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'General Hospital' fan recap: Dead again?

Season 54 | Episodes 74–78| Aired Jul 18–22, 2016

As General Hospital unveils the previously mentioned-in-name-only Valentin this week, the question of how long the character can last is already on the minds of viewers. Characters who come on the show as outright villains tend to mostly follow one of two paths if they stick around for a while: cartoon (Heather/Obrecht) or immortal (Helena/Jerry). Or they show up, create havoc, and are quickly disposed of, never to be seen again (Dixon). What path remains for Valentin remains unclear, but it sure would have been nice to see a new Cassadine with shades of gray, as opposed to an outright baddie.

Valentin’s motives for taking the occupants of Cassadine Island hostage are simple: money and power. As Mikkos Cassadine’s disowned son, Valentin grew up envious of all Prince Nikolas had. So, it’s apparently very fortunate for Valentin that Nikolas faked his own death and came to Cassadine Island to hide out, as it gave Valentin the perfect opportunity to storm the island with his goons and demand retribution. Valetin’s first move, neutralizing Jason and Sam, is a smart way for him to establish who’s in charge.

Valentin moves Nikolas and Ava out of the living room and into a bedroom, looking to pressure Nikolas into signing away his Cassadine holdings. It’s unclear if Valentin realizes that it’s mostly antiques and real estate, since Helena cut off Nikolas financially. As Valentin holds a gun on Ava, Nikolas agrees to sign the papers. Is one of the goons a notary or something? Because it’s hard to imagine that these documents signed under duress would amount to a hill of beans. As Nikolas signs the papers, Valentin decides to tie up loose ends. He aims his gun at Ava, Nikolas intervenes, and the two struggle. Valentin shoots Nikolas, who once again seems to meet his demise, falling over the balcony. As Nick Stabile’s tenure as temp-Nikolas comes to an end, it remains to be seen when or if Tyler Christopher is returning.

Downstairs, Lulu, Dante, Kevin, and Laura discuss one of them making a break for it during a diversion. Lulu opts to be the one, memorizing a path from the house to the docks, where hopefully a boat is waiting. Dante stages a fight with Kevin, and Lulu makes her escape, only to get lost in the tunnels and stumble over a skeleton. Back upstairs, Ava makes her move: Using her feminine wiles, she seduces Valentin, only to knee him in the groin and slam him in the head with Helena’s diary. Ava runs downstairs, where she tells the group that Nikolas is gone. Laura’s shock and sobs turn to rage, and she goes off on Valentin, saying Mikkos would be proud. Laura tells Valentin to shoot her too, but when he fires his gun, Kevin puts himself in the line of fire. Shot, Kevin crumples to the ground.

Back in Port Charles, it’s 100 percent, officially official that Alexis is not pregnant, as the post-menopausal mother of three confirms it with a negative store-bought test. Meanwhile, at GH, Lucas and Olivia both tell Julian that they are done with him. Julian weakly tries to defend himself, but nobody except Ghost Carlos is buying what he’s selling. Ghost Carlos implores him to kill Alexis, and while Julian declares his eternal love, Alexis is readying herself to drop off divorce papers. For whatever reason, there is no police guard outside, so Julian’s henchman is able to drop off some drug that causes Julian to have heart complications, delaying his arraignment. It seems Julian’s plan is to delay his arraignment until Ava returns to town, have her use her Paul’s influence to get his bail and take care of things (kill Alexis?).

Speaking of Carlos, General Hospital must really, really not want to let go of Jeffrey Vincent Parise, because no sooner do Michael and Sabrina pledge to be a schmoopie couple than Carlos’ never-before-mentioned identical twin brother makes his way to town. On most fronts, Jose (Joe) is the polar opposite of his twin. Joe is a pediatric surgeon who left Carlos and the criminal element behind in Puerto Rico. But he did date Sabrina as a teenager, so is the stage set for a Joe-Sabrina-Michael triangle?

Technically, Morgan-Kiki-Dillon-Darby is a quadrangle, but Darby poses no real competition, as Kiki is still clearly the prize for both men. In fact, the way Darby crashes Dillon’s breakfast conversation with a meddling Carly, it almost seems like they might be setting Darby up to have stalker tendencies. And while Kiki and Morgan reconnect sexually, complete with an underwear removal scene and no medicinal, it’s obvious that the current on-again round is not going to be without issues. Between Morgan’s dependence on Kiki for happiness and the way Kiki lights up around Dillon, it might be best to set an egg timer for the next bout of relationship drama.

Kristina can claim to everyone that she’s really into Aaron, but when Parker arrives in town, there’s really no competition as to which paramour brings out her emotional side. While Parker may not have invited Kristina to her hotel room, she certainly invites her into the room. Parker confesses that her marriage is over, and Kristina admits that she’s been dating a boy. Parker is saddened by her failed marriage, and Kristina states that she still thinks of Parker. The two lock eyes and fall into bed together. The next morning, Parker tells Kristina that this isn’t a relationship; she still plans to head back home after her lecture. Kristina wonders why it can’t be more, but Parker calls Kristina out for focusing on her as the only woman she’s attracted to, rather than exploring the possibility that she’s gay. Kristina is still leery of labels, but she may soon have to face more than that, as Sonny spies her kissing Parker in the hotel hallway.

Elsewhere, Sonny has a new cohort in Finn. Finn agrees to help clear Julian medically for arraignment, and Sonny offers up his private jet and easy customs access so Finn can procure his medicine. But what about Finn’s medicine? Hayden reaches out to her mother for assistance, and Naomi advises Hayden and Tracy that Zekenestrol (street name: Zen-Zen) is addictive on par with heroin. Hayden confronts Finn, who gets angry with her for the accusation.

But Hayden may soon have more on her plate than she bargained for. Naomi comes across a confrontational Scott and Lucy (both fleeced by Raymond Berlin) at the Metro Court. When Franco arrives flaunting Heather’s money, Naomi has a literal panic attack at the mention of Heather’s name and collapses. At the hospital, Naomi shows interest in Elizabeth while also trying to get the two women to play nice. Hayden mentions calling her father, and an out-of-earshot Naomi refers to Raymond as “the father Hayden knows,” as opposed to the “father she doesn’t know.” Is it possible/probable that Hayden and Elizabeth are going to find themselves half-sisters?

Elizabeth also makes a move forward in her personal life, much to the chagrin of ex-husband Ric Lansing. Elizabeth is still bitter over the Jason-is-married-to-Hayden scam, to which Ric mentions Elizabeth’s Jake-is-Jason fraud. Point. Set. Match. But it’s Ric’s needling her over Franco that prompts Elizabeth to call Franco for a proper date.

And on a final note, while there may be an unknown serial killer stalking the halls of General Hospital, there’s also a huge privacy violation taking place. In what world was it okay for Felix, a nurse, to violate HIPAA and tell Sonny about Julian’s delirium and arrhythmia?

TV Families

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TV Families

TV Families — We compare various television clans through the years to see how they stack up, from ”The Brady Bunch” to ”The Flintstones”

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The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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window.peopleAdMappings['peopleAdheadercmad_223x92']; }; // Remember, this is going to just be a reference not a copy. window.peopleAdMappings['header-cm-ad_223x92']['peopleAdheadercmad_223x92'] = window.peopleAdMappings['peopleAdheadercmad_223x92']; window.peopleAdMappings['_renderedAds']['peopleAdheadercmad_223x92'] = window.peopleAdMappings['peopleAdheadercmad_223x92']; // POS Groups information. </script> </div> <!-- /.header-cm-ad_223x92 --> </span> </div> </header><!-- #masthead --> <div id="people-time-health-banner"><div id="ad-time-health"></div></div> <div id="site__content" class="site__content"> <main role="main"> <article id="post-588800" class="article-single post-588800 post type-post status-publish format-standard hentry category-article category-music creative-work-11730"> <header class="article-header"> <h2 class="article-header__subchannel channel__color--color"><a class="channel__color--color" href="/article/">Article</a></h2><h1 class="article-header__title">000</h1><p class="article-header__byline"><a href="http://ew.com/author/elisabeth-vincentelli/" aria-label="Posts by Elisabeth Vincentelli" class="author url fn" rel="author">Elisabeth Vincentelli</a></p><p class="article-header__timestamp">Posted on <time datetime="2000-04-14T04:00:00+00:00">April 14, 2000 at 4:00am EDT</time></p> <div class="article-header__share"> <div class="sharedaddy sd-sharing-enabled"><div class="robots-nocontent sd-block sd-social sd-social-icon-text sd-sharing"><div class="sd-content"><ul><li class="share-facebook"><a rel="nofollow" data-shared="sharing-facebook-588800" class="share-facebook sd-button share-icon" href="http://ew.com/article/2000/04/14/000/?share=facebook" target="_blank" title="Share"><span>Share</span></a></li><li class="share-twitter"><a rel="nofollow" data-shared="sharing-twitter-588800" class="share-twitter sd-button share-icon" href="http://ew.com/article/2000/04/14/000/?share=twitter" target="_blank" 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[]; window.peopleAdMappings['_renderedAds'] = window.peopleAdMappings['_renderedAds'] || {}; window.time_dfp.push( function() { time_dfp.defineSlot(window.peopleAdMappings['peopleAdhp_300x250'])}); if ( 'undefined' === typeof window.peopleAdMappings['hp_300x250'] || 'undefined' === typeof window.peopleAdMappings['hp_300x250']['default'] ) { window.peopleAdMappings['hp_300x250'] = {}; // Remember, this is going to just be a reference not a copy. window.peopleAdMappings['hp_300x250']['default'] = window.peopleAdMappings['peopleAdhp_300x250']; }; // Remember, this is going to just be a reference not a copy. window.peopleAdMappings['hp_300x250']['peopleAdhp_300x250'] = window.peopleAdMappings['peopleAdhp_300x250']; window.peopleAdMappings['_renderedAds']['peopleAdhp_300x250'] = window.peopleAdMappings['peopleAdhp_300x250']; // POS Groups information. </script> </div> </div> <div class="article-single__content"> <h3 class="article__creative-work-title">000</h3> <dl id="article__creative-work-info" class="article__creative-work-info"> <dt>type:</dt> <dd>Music</dd> <dt>Current Status:</dt> <dd>In Season</dd> </dl> <div class="article-body"> <div class="article__letter-grade"><span class="article__letter-grade-shape channel__color--background-color"></span><p aria-label="Letter grade">We gave it a <strong>B</strong></p></div> <div class="article-body__inner"> <div class="triangle-anchor"></div><p>Being the Rolling Stones is a tough job, but someone’s gotta do it. Since the Stones themselves have turned into a joke, we’ll gladly take the Delta 72. Their earlier recordings were inspired by hard-driving ’60s soul, but now with <strong>000</strong> these Philly boys look back to the flamboyantly sweaty boogie Jagger & Co. played at their ’70s peak — and completely rejuvenate it. Though it doesn’t come close to the delirious energy of the band’s shows, <em>000</em> is a shot of put-your-hands-in-the-air party music. <strong>B</strong></p> </div> <div class="article-body__show-full"> <button id="button--show-full" class="channel__color--background-color" type="button">Show Full Article</button> </div> </div> <!-- template: article-footer --> <footer class="article-footer"> <div class="articles-recirculation articles-recirculation--footer articles-recirculation--see-also channel__color--border-color"> <!-- template: article-footer-section-title --> <h2 class="article-footer__section-title channel__color--border-color article-footer__section-title--third-party"> <div class="article-footer__section-title-inner-wrap"> <span class="article-footer__section-title-span"> <span class="article-footer__section-title-more article-footer__section-title-more--" data-mobile-title=""> sponsored stories </span> </span> </div> </h2> <div class="ob-widget-wrapper " 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