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Tales of the forgotten sequels: 'Star Trek: Nemesis'

In “Tales of the Forgotten Sequels,” we take a look at film follow-ups that have been lost to time, either by accident or on purpose. Did these Part Twos and Part Threes deserve the bargain bin, or are they hidden treasures? Let’s find out.

WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD!!

The Star Trek film franchise has had a roller-coaster history. Literally. Famously known for the “even numbers are great, odd numbers are bad” quality swing, the original 10 movies run the gamut from classic (Wrath of Khan, Star Trek IV) to pure misery (Star Trek V, Generations).

When Star Trek: Nemesis hit screens in 2002, the world was weary of Klingons, Romulans, and the starship Enterprise. The Next Generation cast was 15 years old. Enterprise, in only it’s second season, was dropping in the ratings. Interest was at an all-time low.

This apathy was reflected at the box office. Nemesis barely broke even. Critically panned, and instantly forgotten by those who saw, it Star Trek: Nemesis faded into the Neutral Zone like so much space junk. But did it deserve banishment to a cinematic black hole? Time to beam this beleaguered sequel onto sick bay and give it a thorough tricorder scan.

The Synopsis
In Star Trek: Nemesis, an exhausted Captain Picard finds himself pitted against Shinzon (Tom Hardy), his clone and the new militant ruler of the Romulan people. As Shinzon hatches a plan to eradicate Earth and the Federation, he endlessly chats with Picard about the nature of fate. Meanwhile, Data talks to his own head as the rest of Picard’s aging crew of galaxy cruisers stand around and collect paychecks.

The Good
The Scimitar is an awesome ship.
The key to any good Star Trek movie is an equally compelling villain. While Shinzon may have been lacking (more on that later), the ship he pilots is incredible. In a world where the Enterprise is the big boy on the block, it was refreshing to see a real threat to the iconic ship. And it looks amazing.

Image Credit: Paramount

Image Credit: Paramount

Tom Hardy is Tom Hardy.
In one of his earliest roles, Tom Hardy (Mad Max, The Revenant) is the only actor in Nemesis who seems to be interested in being there. While the script does him zero favors, he approaches the role with passion and energy. He’s awake, which is more than can be said for the rest of the cast (more on that later). Plus, I’m a big Tom Hardy fan. A criminally underrated actor.

Starship bumper cars.
In the third act, Picard decides to ram the Enterprise into the Scimitar as a last ditch attempt to disable it. The images of two monstrous ships colliding was cool to watch, and the aftermath was visually jaw dropping.

It also reminded me of the naval battles Star Trek battles tend to feel like. If you can’t beat them, ram ‘em with your giant space boat.

Even after having his entire performance cut from the movie, Wesley Crusher still appears in the corner of one frame.

There he is!! (Image Credit: Paramount)

There he is!! (Image Credit: Paramount)

Picard and Data fly a shuttle through the Scimitar because the script said, “Go for it!”
This is so ridiculous, it’s amazing. Watching Picard deftly steer a spacecraft he’s never seen before through tiny corridors is amazingly dumb.

Worf’s intoxicated zinger.
During Diana and Riker’s wedding, Worf, drunk on Romulan ale, comments on how much he hates Irving Berlin. It’s the only thing he does in the movie, but it’s a great line.

I feel ya, Worf. I feel ya... (Image Credit: Paramount).

I feel ya, Worf. I feel ya… (Image Credit: Paramount).

The Bad
Everybody sounds exhausted.
Ever wonder how Patrick Stewart would behave if you woke him at 3 a.m., threw him into a Starfleet uniform, and made him run lines? Watch Star Trek: Nemesis. In the show, Captain Picard is a force of authority. When he said “Engage” or “Belay that order,” you stopped making popcorn, and turned to the television. The Nemesis Picard feels like a sad old man punching the clock.

No, no. Don't move, crew of the Enterprise. Just stand there. (Image Credit: Paramount)

No, no. Don’t move, crew of the Enterprise. Just stand there. The check is in the mail. (Image Credit: Paramount)

The rest of the cast is equally narcoleptic. The joy of Next Generation was in the crew and how they felt like a family. They struggled together, fought together, and even laughed together. In Nemesis, they deliver lines with all of the zing of low sodium Campbell’s soup.

Questionable motivations.
And why was the cast was so anemic? They didn’t know why they were there in the first place.

Nemesis has two central stories: Picard’s internal and external battle with his clone, and Data’s struggle to understand his origins through a prototype version of himself. Both have no reason to exist. Data’s wrestle with his growing humanity has been explored to death, and his interactions with B-4 have no bearing on the story whatsoever, except to bookend his (very dumb) death.

Data stares blankly at B-4 in Star Trek: Nemesis. (Image Credit: Paramount)

Data stares blankly at B-4 in Star Trek: Nemesis. (Image Credit: Paramount)

Picard’s story is even more pointless. Shinzon wants to haunt Picard with an image of who he would have turned into given different circumstances. But so what? Of course your past dictates who you become. This isn’t a newsflash.

Nor is it a valid reason to want to destroy Picard, Earth, and the entire Federation. Weak motivations lead to boring characters which leads to a cast standing around wondering if their dry cleaning is ready.

Data dies either because Jordie only made one magical pocket transporter or Data didn’t have enough room in his android exoskeleton to fit another.
Both stupid possibilities.

 

Tom Hardy only looks like Picard from one specific angle.
Here’s that angle. All the makeup in the world can’t hide those lips.

Image Credit: Paramount

Image Credit: Paramount

The Baffling
Nobody noticed the entire Romulan senate was replaced by a whiny kid wearing a Pinhead from Hellraiser outfit.
The fact that a coup d’état of Romulus went down without anybody caring is astonishing. Donald Trump can’t fart loudly without Twitter blowing up, yet nobody realized their elected legislature was reduced to volcanic ash? Even Captain Janeway (in a sad cameo) regarded the whole thing as “meh.”

Maybe if they focused the film on Shinzon’s hostile takeover and not on identity drama, we may have had a story. And a heartbeat.

Image Credit: Paramount

Image Credit: Paramount

Somebody thought it would be a good idea to release this a week before Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers.
A week earlier, and you would have been competing against Analyze That and Empire. No wonder it made no money.

It cost $60,000,000 to make.
While not as low rent as Star Trek: Insurrection, this movie looks like it was shot for half that price. There are essentially 10 sets, a planet that’s a boring desert, and the CGI work is amateurish at best. Hopefully, somebody was getting a kickback somewhere.

Star Trek: Nemesis' big ground chase is in a beat up dune buggy. (Image Credit: Paramount).

Star Trek: Nemesis’ big ground chase is in a beat up dune buggy. (Image Credit: Paramount).

Direction so bland, I fell asleep while writing this sentence.
Fun fact about director Stuart Baird: He’s not really a director. He’s actually a well-known editor of action films like Superman, Lethal Weapon, Casino Royale, and Skyfall. A respected Hollywood journeyman who’s still working today.

So, how did this become a bad episode of Downton Abby? With his nose for action, this should have been exhilarating. Instead, we get the cinematic equivalent of dry toast.

Another fun fact about Stuart Baird? He never directed again. Good move.

Did we really need a Deanna Troi rape scene in our fun space adventure?
As a matter of fact, did we need a sex scene at all in our fun space adventure? I say no. It’s creepy. And pointless. Plus, Trek fans know she’s been violated before. Leave the poor woman alone.

The Verdict
Star Trek: Nemesis is essentially a C-level, first-season Next Generation episode drawn out for two hours. If it had a bit more direction, both behind the camera and in the script, it could have been a passable send-off for the Next Gen crew. But as it sits, the movie is a barely moving husk. Filled with tired actors reading a worn-out script, at the tail end of a 15-year run, Nemesis is a dead franchise walking. Should have started with a funeral instead of a wedding.

Beam this stinker back to the dilithium mines, Scotty. This iconic series deserved a better ending than this.

TV Families

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TV Families

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The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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Remember, this is going to just be a reference not a copy. window.peopleAdMappings['header-cm-ad']['peopleAdheadercmad'] = window.peopleAdMappings['peopleAdheadercmad']; window.peopleAdMappings['_renderedAds']['peopleAdheadercmad'] = window.peopleAdMappings['peopleAdheadercmad']; // POS Groups information. </script> </div> <!-- /.header-cm-ad --> </span> </div> </header><!-- #masthead --> <div id="people-time-health-banner"><div id="ad-time-health"></div></div> <div id="site__content" class="site__content"> <main role="main"> <article id="post-588800" class="article-single post-588800 post type-post status-publish format-standard hentry category-article category-music creative-work-11730"> <header class="article-header"> <h2 class="article-header__subchannel channel__color--color"><a class="channel__color--color" href="/article/">Article</a></h2><h1 class="article-header__title">000</h1><p class="article-header__byline"><a href="http://ew.com/author/elisabeth-vincentelli/" aria-label="Posts by Elisabeth Vincentelli" class="author url fn" rel="author">Elisabeth Vincentelli</a></p><p class="article-header__timestamp">Posted on <time datetime="2000-04-14T04:00:00+00:00">April 14, 2000 at 4:00am EDT</time></p> <div class="article-header__share"> <div class="sharedaddy sd-sharing-enabled"><div class="robots-nocontent sd-block sd-social sd-social-icon-text sd-sharing"><div class="sd-content"><ul><li class="share-facebook"><a rel="nofollow" data-shared="sharing-facebook-588800" class="share-facebook sd-button share-icon" href="http://ew.com/article/2000/04/14/000/?share=facebook" target="_blank" title="Share"><span>Share</span></a></li><li class="share-twitter"><a rel="nofollow" data-shared="sharing-twitter-588800" class="share-twitter sd-button share-icon" href="http://ew.com/article/2000/04/14/000/?share=twitter" target="_blank" title="Tweet"><span>Tweet</span></a></li><li class="share-email"><a rel="nofollow" data-shared="" class="share-email sd-button 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<div class="article-body"> <div class="article__letter-grade"><span class="article__letter-grade-shape channel__color--background-color"></span><p aria-label="Letter grade">We gave it a <strong>B</strong></p></div> <div class="article-body__inner"> <div class="triangle-anchor"></div><p>Being the Rolling Stones is a tough job, but someone’s gotta do it. Since the Stones themselves have turned into a joke, we’ll gladly take the Delta 72. Their earlier recordings were inspired by hard-driving ’60s soul, but now with <strong>000</strong> these Philly boys look back to the flamboyantly sweaty boogie Jagger & Co. played at their ’70s peak — and completely rejuvenate it. 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