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'Rock This Boat' fan recap: Rules of the selfie

Season 2 | Episode 7 | “Selfie King” | Aired Jul 13, 2016

When you have a jillion fans roaming around essentially waiting for a New Kid sighting, it seems logical that one or two would think to recruit Johnny K. (the NKOTB go-to guy) to help convince Jordan Knight that the best use of his afternoon would be to jump out of a cake to help a friend celebrate her 40th birthday for the second time. Obviously. If you’re Donnie Wahlberg, you use those jillion people to help break the Guinness Word Record for taking selfies.

I sure hope his thumb game is strong.

According to New Kid superfan Zoe, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson holds the current record. He snapped 105 different people in three minutes. Someone in her squad does the math: that’s 35 people per minute. Zoe is also concerned about where Donnie has chosen to take these selfies. The ship’s theater has steps, and people could get hurt. We’re talking one fan every two seconds. These Block Heads need to move it or lose it.

The group decides to take everyone outside. They queue a straight line on the lido deck. Johnny K. barks out orders to the crowd. No talking. No kissing. In fact, let’s just not touch Donnie in any way, shape, or form, got it? Get your head in the shot and step away. Zoe makes sure someone is there to video the blessed event before they do a quick run-through. Sadly, we learn that most Block Heads are in their 40s now, and several do not zip with the pep of their 1980’s-loving selves. Donnie doesn’t even come close to the record.

Zoe makes some adjustments, adding bouncers to “help” the women along. Read: Johnny K. shoves them into the frame and a bald dude yanks them out. Donnie adopts a constipated look after the halfway mark, but he and his thumb press on. At the end of three minutes, Zoe confirms that Donnie managed to take a selfie with 133 peeps! The victory party was glorious. It lasted 24 seconds. Someone checked the Guinness rulebook and it seems that the official selfie rules state that only TWO people can be in the shot. Guess who photobombed every single picture? Oh look! There’s Johnny K.’s head! Donnie will have to wait to reign as king some other time.

While selfie history is not being made, Kayla stresses out over her pending “Duets at Dusk” performance with Joey. All she wants is to practice while her sister listens. K’Lyssa isn’t having it. In case you forgot, she’s growing a child in her womb. His name is Logan, and he likes for Mama to sleep.

Kayla puts on her prettiest turquoise dress and leaves her sister to incubate her child. She listens to other girls perform fun songs from your favorite Lite FM radio station. After a little Pat Benatar and Jackson 5, Kayla is up. She takes the stage, searches the audience, and spots her sister beaming proudly from the crowd. A huge wave of relief washes over her as she sings “Endless Love” with Joey. He rewards her solid performance by giving her sister a onesie signed by all the New Kids.

Clearly Logan was the winner in this episode.

New Facts about New Kids

  • Joey is Donnie’s favorite New Kid.
  • Donnie blames his lack of energy on his Blue Bloods cop character. That guy eats five donuts a day! No wonder he’s out of shape!

Rock This Boat airs Wednesday nights at 8/7C on Pop.

TV Families | EW.com
Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 AT 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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