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'Rock This Boat' fan recap: Get off the boat and rock this land

Season 2 | Episode 5 | “Island Escapades” | Aired Jun 29, 2016

Rock This Boat picks up at the wild and crazy conclusion of the White Party. As Blockheads stumble around looking for horizontal places to lay their weary heads, Donnie and Jenny gear up for the Black Party. This is a special VIP event that takes place in the cruise ship’s club.

What does it take to be one of the 300 VIPs invited to the Black Party? I’m glad you asked. According to Donnie, you have to be a superfan who has followed the boys around for years, or someone who has been on the NKOTB cruise multiple times, or a mediocre Block Head who happened to be the recipient of one of the leftover wristbands that Donnie shoved under random cabin doors. The party starts at 3 a.m. and won’t end until the sun rises. Jenny looks like she might pass out at this news. Have fun pretending it’s 1988, guys! #foreveryoung

The next day, all the cruisers are invited to disembark the ship to explore Grand Turk. Jess force-feeds Augie coffee and asks him to go paddleboarding with her. Augie isn’t having it. Has she not been watching Blake Lively’s social media? SHARKS ARE EVERYWHERE. Jess rolls her eyes and escorts him off the boat anyway.

Jess isn’t the only one who is irritated. Birthday girl Melissa is really annoyed that her two friends (Amanda and Willow) choose to traipse around the island instead of staying by her side to celebrate her 40th birthday 2.0. What she doesn’t realize is that her friends are actually stalking the island for a certain New Kid. They really want to surprise Melissa with Jordan popping out of a  birthday cake. Preferably topless. The girls keep their secret, even when Melissa chastises them for leaving her alone. One asks if she wants some cheese with her whine. I love that she used a joke as old as the New Kids!

Amanda and Willow couldn’t find Jordan because he was busy riding ATVs with Leigh and Libbie. The sisters offer to slather sunscreen on Jordan and he obliges. What a good sport. He thanks “Neck Brace” for the SPF and then shouts, “Eat my dust!” Libbie doesn’t back down. She and Leigh give it their all and gladly eat Jordan’s dust. P.S.: I bet neither of them washed their hands for days.

On another part of the island, Beth’s daughter Laurie is hyperventilating at the thought of zip-lining across the island. She doesn’t want to die in Grand Turk. Especially since she hasn’t secured a selfie with Donnie yet. Her mom convinces her to strap into the death contraption. Just as she sizes up the daunting task ahead, Jon shows up with his BFF Angela. Beth looks like she might throw up. Angela looks irritated that she has to share Jon with Block Heads. Can’t a girl take a selfie with her bestie and a donkey in peace?

As she predicted, Laurie freaks out and starts crying high above the sand. Jon swoops in to save the day, reminding her that he gets scared, too. He walks her through the entire course, encouraging her along the way. This is why we all heart Jon. Beth is proud of her daughter for conquering her fear. Laurie is glad her mom pushed her to a panic attack on national television. Jon is excited that he helped a woman in need. And Angela is ready to leave all of this nonsense behind. Fun times.

New Facts about New Kids

  • Danny keeps a neat room. Donnie compares his to a contaminated crime scene.
  • Donnie is convinced Danny’s one true love is on this boat. (GO AUGIE!)
  • Donnie would spoon Danny if he let him.

Rock This Boat airs Wednesday nights at 8/7C on Pop.

TV Families | EW.com
Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 AT 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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