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'Rock This Boat' fan recap: Let's hear it for the boys

Season 2 | Episode 4 | “Donnie Loves Augie” | Aired Jun 22, 2016

The New Kids are still rocking the boat every night, and most of the fans are still screaming bloody murder, hoping to secure a selfie when they spy a Kid roaming the halls. However, there’s one cruiser who isn’t drinking the NKOTB Kool-Aid like the rest of them. K’Lyssa is five months pregnant and could care less about partying with her sister Kayla.

K’Lyssa’s timing couldn’t be more unfortunate. As Kayla takes the stage to practice singing “Endless Love” with JOEY FREAKING MCINTYRE, K’Lyssa complains that she’s both hungry and nauseous. Kayla explains the situation to her extremely famous partner. He graciously allows her to practice before all the other “Duets at Dusk” participants. Kayla misses every other note and Joey gives the camera a pleading look. K’Lyssa gives her sister the universal “wrap it up” sign and Kayla hyperventilates at the gravity of what just happened. Here’s hoping she doesn’t choke in front of 3,000 people next week! To quote K’Lyssa, “You need to practice so you don’t mess it up.” #truth

In other news, Bunny and Amanda (Melissa’s friends) are going to throw her a surprise 40th party to erase the totally crappy one that actually happened on her real birthday a year ago. They came with suitcases full of streamers and confetti poppers and everything you need for a do-over, including a plan to get Jordan to agree to pop out of a cake. Melissa is going to have to wish really, really hard for that one to come true.

Speaking of wishes, Augie’s dream of a bromance with Donnie finally comes true during Jenny McCarthy’s radio show. Donnie resurrects a character named D-Dubs (who gives back rubs) and invites Augie onto the stage to teach Jenny’s producer David how to seduce a woman. Except Augie is the lucky “lady.” Donnie loves how Augie takes everything, including the blindfold and whipped cream, in stride.

As a reward, that night he pulls Augie onstage during the White Party. Donnie even admits that Augie would be someone he might hang out with outside of a cruise ship full of screaming women. Augie’s wife Jess feels a little rejected. She’s the New Kid fan, and Augie has been showcased not once, but twice now. She can’t even muster the energy to get pumped about Jordan in a toga! It doesn’t help when Augie laments that he’s a cruise ship celebrity now.

Jess rolls her eyes and reminds him that in four days, he’s going to be back in Boston cutting grass. That’s fair, but this time, he’ll be a man cutting grass whose nipple was tweaked by Donnie Wahlberg. Dreams do come true.

New Facts about New Kids

  • If it takes a regular person 10 minutes to walk to the lido deck, it will take a New Kid at least 30 minutes to travel the same route because all their fans insist on taking selfies.
  • Thanks to the careful interviewing techniques of Jenny McCarthy, we now know that it’s been 30 years since Jon has seen any lady parts.
  • The guys are given a specific time to meet in the hallway before a show, but all five have never been present at the given hour together. Someone always has to go to the bathroom or get a drink or retrieve something from a room. Every time. Jordan calls this phenomenon “playing whack-a-mole” with the New Kids.
  • Mrs. Knight thinks Jordan and Jonathan’s Twitter accounts are vulgar.
  • The New Kids look good in all-white wardrobes. I haven’t seen them in any other selections in order to make an informed decision about other colors, but I’ll let you know when it happens.

Rock This Boat airs Wednesday nights at 8/7C on Pop.

TV Families | EW.com
Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 AT 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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