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'Rock This Boat' fan recap: A Knight to remember

Season 2 | Episode 2 | “’80s Prom” | Aired June 8, 2016

Rock This Boat chronicles the first theme night on the New Kids on the Block cruise, and the boy band wants their fans to go big or go home. And by big, I mean big hair. I hope you packed enough Aqua Net, Block Heads, because it’s ‘80s prom night. Totally rad!

Fun fact: Block Heads decorate their doors with photos of their favorite New Kid. Augie, the dude from Boston, takes it a step further by setting up a man cave inside his cabin. He actually packs a dart board with the hope that he and Donnie can chill with a beer one night. His wife Jess thinks this is a wonderful way to celebrate their anniversary. Not.

Augie isn’t the only one searching for creative loopholes to meet a New Kid. Libbie decides that she’s going to infiltrate the VIP section by wearing a black shirt with “SECURITY” written across the back. How brilliant is that? She nearly makes it through the door using nothing but a confident walk and very little eye contact, but her sister hesitates, causing the bouncer to ask for credentials. So close, Libbie. So close.

While the other cruisers prep their fingerless gloves and florescent attire, Joey wanders the hallways in search of cabin doors spotlighting his own face. After bemoaning the fact that Jordan seems to be the favorite, he spots an adorable vintage gem ripped straight from a Teen Beat magazine. He autographs the photo and knocks on the door.

Laurie, the mom from England who is going through a divorce, answers and nearly dies from shock. Joey is used to women swooning around him, but he is downright charmed when she invites him in for a spot of tea, complete with real china cups and an actual teapot. As Joey enjoys a few dainty sandwiches, he asks Laurie if she’s excited about prom. Newsflash: Laurie has never been to a prom before. Double newsflash: Neither has Joey. Laurie thinks they are made for each other, since they totally have so much in common.

When you’re hopped up on tea and the pheromones of Joey McIntyre, I guess it’s easy to forget that he’s a married man.

Donnie’s wife Jenny McCarthy and her sister JoJo help him complete his ‘80s look with a dangling earring and then blind him with hairspray. Jordan goes for a Michael Jackson nerd hybrid that he, of course, easily pulls off. Jon and Danny are forced to wear basic tuxes with colorful cummerbunds. The time has finally come to rock this boat. To quote Donnie, “Who doesn’t want to relive their prom? This time there are no pimples, no curfews, and you don’t have to sneak in booze.”

The familiar opening of Spandau Ballet’s “True” rings over the thousands of Block Heads gathered on the lido deck. The youngest New Kid descends the stairs while Donnie informs the crowd that poor Joey never went to his prom. Much like Katniss, a gaggle of grown women in spandex volunteer to be tribute his date, but Joey only has eyes for one English woman.

Laurie takes the stage and sways in the arms of her childhood crush. She even grabs his butt, which is a bold move, but no one can ever take away this moment away. She is the New Kid prom queen, and she’ll grab butts if she wants to.

New Facts About New Kids

  • According to Jon, selfies are the new autograph. There’s no need to carry around a permanent marker anymore. All you need is a good filter, and you’re set.
  • Jordan taught Joey everything he knows about proper hair volume.
  • Danny has been pitching the theme “pimps and hos” for seven years. The guys have to remind him that this isn’t the Snoop Dogg cruise.
  • Donnie hasn’t worn a dangle earring since he was into Skid Row, Britny Fox, and Warrant. If that sentence reads Greek to you, allow me to translate: 1986.

Rock This Boat airs Wednesday nights at 8/7C on Pop.

TV Families | EW.com
Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 AT 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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