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'Rock This Boat' fan recap: Make way for the Block Heads

Season 2 | Episode 1 | “All Aboard” | Aired June 1, 2016

The New Kids on the Block 2008 reunion tour was a huge success. I should know. I was there. Picture an auditorium full of thirtysomethings swaying and singing along to “Please Don’t Go Girl” with the same enthusiasm we had in junior high. The New Kids (read: grown men) realized that a 15-year hiatus didn’t seem to faze the true fans. As a thank you, the group decided to take the show to the high seas, offering 3,000 of their most adoring Block Heads the opportunity to cruise with them for four days.

Rock the Boat is a behind-the-scenes look at this crazy block party. It airs on Pop TV, which is, I assure you, an actual channel your cable company more than likely provides. Pop airs old episodes of Beverly Hills, 90210; The O.C.; and many movies featuring Sandra Bullock. My life was officially transformed when I discovered this channel’s existence. I hope the same happens to you.

Donnie Wahlberg seems to be the ringleader of the group. He’s particularly interested in the cruise schedule. His goal? To pack as many parties into four days as possible. He’s all about dim lighting and background music. He’s also very concerned about his wardrobe. With racks and racks and racks of clothes from which to choose, Donnie selects a bathrobe as his day one attire, and everyone commends his swagger. He did look good in that terrycloth.

Joey McIntyre has concerns. He’s no longer a spring chicken. That’s why he wears sunglasses all the time. Everyone looks hotter in sunglasses. He leaves three kids and his wife at home because this booze cruise isn’t suitable for toddlers. Joey also has strict photography rules: Put your phone in selfie mode, hand HIM the phone, smile, and get the BLEEP out of the way when you’re done. You may wonder how he makes such an obnoxious list of rules seem so charming? He’s Joey. Duh.

Jonathan Knight’s partner Harley doesn’t cruise with him, but a crazed fan turned friend named Angela does. She basically hounded Jon through Twitter and wore him down enough to meet her for coffee back in the day. Stalking works, kids! It’s unfortunate that a woman stuck her finger up his bum while he was crowd-surfing (Angela? Is that you?), but that’s part of the job. Right Jon?

Danny Wood is pulling double duty on this cruise. His kids, who are teenagers, are traveling with him. I have no idea how he’s going to be a New Kid one minute and a father the next without embarrassing his brood. But I’m excited to find out.

Jordan Knight is all about his appearance. He performed enough sit-ups to get rid of his tummy flab. He lifted enough weights to bulk up his arms. He has an even spray tan. His hair is on-point. And he borrowed the hotel bathrobe so he could be just like Donnie. All is right with the world. I’ll be loving him forever.

Season 2 will also follow five duos of super fans. Laurie and Beth are a mother-and-daughter team who flew in from England. Beth is young, but her mom brainwashed her with NKOTB paraphernalia from birth. Leigh and Libbie are sisters from Missouri. Libbie is a comedian who is going to woo Joey with jokes. Kayla and K’Lyssa are sisters from Texas. Kayla was invited to sing “Endless Love” with Joey on stage. Augie and Jess are a married Boston couple. Augie has a major man crush on Donnie. (Join the club, dude.) And Melissa is the birthday girl who is repeating her 40th year because it blew the first go-around. Hooray for Block Heads!

New Facts about New Kids

  • Joey gets mad if you wake him up one minute before his alarm goes off.
  • Donnie needs the proper pick-me-up to make it through the four-day stint. That is not a euphemism for drugs. He needs sugar-free Red Bull.
  • Jonathan likes clean underwear. Good to know.

Rock This Boat airs Wednesday nights at 8/7C on Pop.

TV Families | EW.com
Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 AT 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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