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'General Hospital' fan recap: Battle lines

Season 53 & 54 | Episodes 250–253 & Episode 1 | Aired Mar 28–April 1, 2016

As General Hospital quietly celebrated its 53rd birthday this week, sound advice comes from an unexpected source. Fashion stylist Joe Zee stops by Crimson and advises Maxie, regarding Nathan’s Claudette secret, not to borrow trouble and let the past lie. As intelligent as those words may be, they don’t exactly resonate in Port Charles. If everyone let sleeping dogs lie, we’d have no show!

Most certainly we would never see Hayden and Elizabeth spending multiple scenes yelling at each other about the paternity of Elizabeth’s children versus Hayden’s recently uncovered past life. It’s interesting that Elizabeth’s kids being from three different dads is such a sticking point, when so few people in Port Charles have the same partners for procreation. Edward, Sonny, Carly, and Alexis all had three or more children with different people. But Elizabeth seems to have it thrown in her face the most. While Elizabeth is far from perfect, like most town residents, it seems like an unusually cruel rehash from the show.

What’s perhaps more confusing is why this is Elizabeth’s place at all. Not to diminish her friendship and history with Nikolas, but the prince has shown himself more than capable of fighting his own battles. Elizabeth can barely contain her glee at taking Hayden down, even though she knows (as Laura reminds her) that Nikolas was responsible for Hayden being shot. Sure, Hayden lied about being Jason’s wife for a bit, but Elizabeth lied about Jason’s whole identity for months. Surely it is a draw between the two of them on their personal battles? Of course, Elizabeth’s slap across Hayden’s face probably won’t broker any peace in the foreseeable future.

Hayden’s motives in her whole marriage remain a bit sketchy as well. Did she marry Nikolas for love or for con? Now that her Rachel identity is revealed, does this mean Tracy’s hold over her is relinquished? Certainly Hayden plans to blackmail Nikolas into staying in the marriage over the whole “had her shot” thing, but isn’t the only actual evidence a second bullet and some overhead conversations? It’s not like Hayden can actually have Nikolas prosecuted. Of course, now that Jason and Sam have come up with a second-shooter theory, it’s only a matter of time before the pieces are put together.

Speaking of Jason, it’s great that he has a new apartment, but couldn’t he have gotten one with two bedrooms? Instead, we have another place with a bed in the living room. And while it’s appreciated that Jason and Sam’s new beginning is allowing them to spend time together, isn’t it about time for an epic “love in the afternoon” moment?

Not feeling the love is Kristina, who finally comes clean with one of her parents, Alexis, about her feelings for Parker. Alexis’ lawyer instincts cause her to ask question upon question, wondering if it was Parker’s influence or Kristina’s storied history with men that is leading to these feelings. But all Kristina hears, or allows herself to hear, is doubt. Unfortunately, despite being a young adult, Kristina turns into toddler mode with a temper tantrum, accusing her mother of not supporting her. Alexis may have been flustered and not immediately run out to join PFLAG, but Kristina really needed to take a breath before accusing Alexis of homophobia. Even Lucas tries to calm Kristina and focus on the actual issue, Kristina’s feelings, but the middle Davis girl is too busy feeling attacked. Of course, Alexis’ call to Parker probably won’t calm any waves.

Not feeling ANY waves is Morgan, who is having a sulky pity party at his new hospital digs. His visitor log includes Michael, Carly, Josslyn, and Avery, all of whom he reaffirms to that he is feeling nothing, never will, and is doomed for life. His mood gets a slight uptick when Ava smuggles Kiki out of her hospital to his for a visit. Kiki assures Morgan that he wasn’t responsible for her getting shot, even though, you know, he kind of was. Morgan begs Kiki to forget about him, but she refuses, certain that the great person (?) she knows is still in there. A dropped tray rattles Kiki, setting off some PTSD symptoms.

Back at the hospital, Finn and Obrecht continue to butt heads over his privileges, but Finn serves up some admirable traits in shutting Obrecht down and continuing as a renegade doctor. Finn lets Tracy know that the treatment isn’t a guaranteed cure. Tracy, fearful of dying, makes Dillon and Ned promise to get ELQ back from Nikolas. She also has a delusional moment where she believes Jason is Edward and spills the beans about her collusion with Hayden/Rachel as her secret weapon.

But what’s really curious is the questionable syringes Finn is shooting up with in his hospital room. It doesn’t appear to be a recognizable street drug, so is this some magic soap-opera elixir? While his injections are a secret, Roxy is the subject of much talk, especially as he and Carly make idle chatter about what the bearded dragon means to Finn. It’s too soon to say if this is a future romantic pairing or if Carly is just making a new bestie since Jason hasn’t been in her orbit much as of late.

There’s certainly distance between Carly and Sonny these days, as outside of discussing Morgan, they seem to have fewer scenes together. Sonny is busy with his Julian take-down plan and coordinating with Anna to help figure out Carlos and Paul’s interactions (via wiretaps). Carly is surprised to learn that Anna and Sonny are a team on this, and surely nobody involved thinks that at the end of the day they’ll be on the same side of the law.

Anna is also busy with a visit from the always-welcome Emma Drake for spring break. Emma is present as Griffin brings Anna DNA results proving that he is Duke’s son. And while Griffin appears to have no imminent motives, why is he the one delivering the test results?

It only takes Julian moments to deduce that Sonny is behind Ava’s warning black rose, but he doesn’t tip his hand of information to his sister. Instead it appears that despite all his promises, Julian may be taking Ava’s place back in the family business. Hopefully it’s all some ruse to shut down the Jerome organization, because Alexis and Julian are too newly happy to have it derailed by the same issue they’ve had multiple times in the past. But on the flip side, how sweet was the new outdoor bench set?

As mentioned, Joe Zee was in town to write a feature for Crimson, and the recent sabotages didn’t scare him off. And while Curtis is precariously close to discovering Julian’s role in the situations, Maxie looks to now be otherwise distracted. After a chat about relationship honesty with Dante (ha!), Nathan comes clean and admits to Maxie that Claudette was his wife.

Finally, Laura shares the newly discovered law textbook with Scott, who is equally befuddled as to its meaning. Of course, Scott is distracted, having lost all of his money in the Raymond Berlin Ponzi scheme. Scott’s lack of funds and Ava’s need for a non-mob watchdog coincide as Ava invites Scott to bunk at her place for protection. With no defense training and the ability to sleep through a tsunami, it’s unclear how effective Scott will be at protection, but are we looking at a new coupling possibility? And is it an issue that Ava also used to bed Franco? Or are fathers and sons her niche?

TV Families | EW.com

TV Families -- We compare various television clans through the years to see how they stack up, from ''The Brady Bunch'' to ''The Flintstones''

By Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 at 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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