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It doesn't get any juicier than 'Family Therapy'

Season 1 | Episode 3 | “I’ve Got The Power” | Aired Mar 30, 2016

If you want or need a lesson in perspective, just watch this week’s Family Therapy. It’s a swirling typhoon of shifting points of view, and even I can’t decide whose side to be on, and I’m super quick to judge.

One of the major puzzles on this super juicy reality show is the dynamic between Dina and Michael Lohan. On the one hand, I’m usually more likely to side with the victim, because, you know, I’m a human with feelings. I believe with all my heart that there was violence between these two, and that there was a lot of coke-fueled mayhem in the 90s, so I feel like I sort of need to be on Dina’s side.

But on the other, I’m also usually more likely to believe the psychic, even if she’s a raging narcissist, with real and diagnosable schizophrenia. When Sister Patterson reads Dina’s negative energy, I don’t dismiss it as histrionics or an attention-grab. You just never know what sorts of juju lurks in other folks. It’s better to be safe than sorry. Either Dina is competing for a “Best Supporting Sociopath in a Family Drama” award, or she’s legitimately afraid. I can’t tell this early in the show.

That whole bit with the “deny everything” T-shirt is fraught with toxic revelations. Michael obviously premeditated delivering the shirt to Dina, waited for the right time to spring it on her, and then made some big, blustery scene about storming off. It’s a dick move, for sure, but not really loaded with all the fear tactics Dina claims.

Actually, and April backs me up here, Michael just laid the shirt down on the table in front of Dina, and didn’t really throw it in her face, like she claims, but from her perspective, she felt attacked. Dr. Jenn, in a turn toward the over-reactive, hired security guards to loiter around, looking like the poor man’s Secret Service.

Basically, it comes down to he said/she said. Don’t get me wrong. They are both garbage humans who have probably done irreparable damage to their children, and they both deserve a good public shaming. Thankfully, they’ve got that handled all their own, and don’t need Dr. Jenn or her hunky co-doctor to do that for them.

In a much less nuanced family struggle, Tiffany and her mother, Sister Patterson, are completely screwed up. Sister Patterson is bats—t nutty: completely delusional and without an ounce of self-awareness. In one of her milder tantrums, Sister Patterson accuses the group of “lying on” her, when they raise their hands in answer to the question, “Who here has felt intimidated by her?”

Of course, hands shoot up around the room, and Sister Patterson retreats into a sullen, defensive child, vowing to stay away from everyone from now on. If she wasn’t such great TV, I might have to hate her. But I can’t bring myself to hate her. I just can’t.

Her daughter, Tiffany aka “New York,” is pretty terrible too, in the “fame-whore, do anything for celebrity” kind of way. It’s not a giant leap to assume she wound up this way as a direct result of having this as her nurturer.

It’s really no wonder that Tiffany turns to April Margera for some maternal support. April is the human personification of an encouraging shoulder squeeze, and Tiffany needs April’s brand of soft mothering and blessings. Not the hostile, critical, sage-burning brand of mother she gets from Sister. Tiffany’s childhood must have been like a prequel to Mad Max (the one with Tina Turner).

Poor April, though. She’s mothering every child but her own, because Bam is facing a pretty brutal detox. Sleeping for hours and intense vomiting is kind of getting in the way of his talk therapy, and it’s robbing April of any relief. But you can’t be mad at him. The minute he talks about losing his bestie, Dunn, and his tears start, my heart melts out of the soles of my feet, and all I want to do is hug him.

But the effect of his self-destruction is pretty evident in April. How can you not be mad at her son for putting her through this? Yet it’s almost impossible to take a side, because I love them. And I love them even more because watching them onscreen doesn’t make me flinch or feel like I need a shower. It just makes me sad. I’ve got high hopes for these two.

I do have to thank Family Therapy for making me super happy not to be related to Damon Dash. He’s the worst. I have zero backstory on him and his brothers, nor do I know what type of trauma they have in their past, but an eight-minute segment from tonight’s episode is long enough for me to understand what a douche Damon Dash is. Now, I might have to eat these words later on, but any brother who would lord his wealth and fame over his family and ridicule them for what they don’t have is awful. Just awful.

The Teen Mom twins are awful, too, but not in a way that makes me want to talk about them. If calling each other “assholes” is the worst they can do, Family Therapy isn’t for them. They need to up their reality show game if they want me to root for them.

What about you guys? Whose side are you on?

Family Therapy airs Wednesdays at 9/8C on VH1.

TV Families | EW.com
February 23, 1990 at 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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data-tracking-zone="author"> <div class="author-list-item"> <a class="bold author-name" href="/author/elisabeth-vincentelli/">Elisabeth Vincentelli</a> </div> <div class="timestamp published-date"> April 14, 2000 at 04:00 AM EDT </div> </div> </div> <!-- Article Content --> <div id="article-body" class="article content body clearfix" data-tracking-zone="body"> <div class="padded"> <p>Being the Rolling Stones is a tough job, but someone’s gotta do it. Since the Stones themselves have turned into a joke, we’ll gladly take the Delta 72. Their earlier recordings were inspired by hard-driving ’60s soul, but now with <strong>000</strong> these Philly boys look back to the flamboyantly sweaty boogie Jagger & Co. played at their ’70s peak — and completely rejuvenate it. 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