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'General Hospital' fan recap: A lizard and a lie

Season 53 | Episodes 245–249 | Aired Mar 21–25, 2016

Now we finally know Hayden’s back story on General Hospital. It’s certainly plausible, yet the reveal is sure to leave viewers scratching their heads and wondering, “Is that all there is?” If indeed there is no deeper, darker secret to be uncovered, then all we are left with is the second time Elizabeth has (somewhat gleefully) busted Nikolas’ relationship in recent years.

So Hayden’s father was basically Bernie Madoff. Her real name is Rachel Berlin, but since she (according to herself) changed it to Hayden Barnes, let’s just keep calling her that for the time being. Per Hayden, her life was destroyed by her father’s crimes, so she moved to Beechers Corners for a fresh start, where Rik’s financial incentive and con came at the right time. It’s all a nice, tidy package, but with no hidden ties to anyone in Port Charles, it comes as a pretty big letdown.

Hayden’s bombshell comes right after Nikolas found out that she had procured Diane to draw up papers to transfer ELQ into her name. If Nikolas fully trusted Hayden, then the paperwork would’ve been a good idea, but clearly he was already mired in doubt. Hayden smoothed that situation, but her familial connections leave Nikolas furious with her and assuming that Hayden is only after his money. To Elizabeth and Laura’s sure delight, the Cassadine newlyweds do not seem to have the makings of happily ever after.

Ironically, just this past week there was a situation in Ohio where a mother had troubles for breastfeeding in a public place. However, in Port Charles, Olivia’s court case became a farce and a showcase for the cartoonish Mayor Lomax. The courtroom hijinks culminate in many of the women ripping open their blouses and showing their brassieres in a show of solidarity. The intent may have been there, and the verdict in Olivia’s favor was just, but the sideshow portrayal derailed some of the message that was trying to be sent. And now we have to sit back and watch Lomax enact plots of revenge against those who sided against her. Based on her attempted shutdown of the Metro Court, it doesn’t seem as though Lomax has any real threats up her sleeve.

Kristina’s story continues to be poignant, for the most part. Kristina’s panic is certainly understandable: If she doesn’t know how she feels, how can she possibly vocalize her confusion to her parents? She name-checked Girl Meets World‘s Rowan Blanchard, who came out recently (at 14) as queer. Kristina scribbles in her diary, befuddled as to how a 14-year-old can be so assured, while as a college-aged woman (no age given), she herself can be so unsure of her emotions. Kristina gets Sonny to call off his witch hunt to find out which professor was involved, while Sonny seems locked into believing that the (male) teacher must’ve been culpable. Parker, having learned Max was at Wesleyan asking questions, pays Kristina visit, worried about her safety. Kristina wavers between wanting Parker to leave and wanting to declare her feelings over and over again. A brief yet awkward kiss is exchanged, but Parker insists that Kristina is confusing attention and concern with romantic desires. It’s hard to be sold on the two as a tangible romantic pairing, especially with the visible 13-year age difference between the actresses.

Tracy’s medical care is front and center, with Griffin having trumped Mays for the diagnosis. And while Griffin knows it’s a foreign agent, he’s not able to treat it himself. Monica calls a doctor she met at a conference and … enter Dr. Hamilton Finn, who quickly diagnoses Tracy with worms in the brain. Rather than pretend that nobody notices Finn’s resemblance to Michael Easton’s last character, everybody notices it. Over and over again. But while Obrecht gets snippy with Finn over his lack of medical privileges at the hospital, Finn is more focused on his service animal. And not just any animal, but a lizard named Roxy. Finn comes across as a mixture of Dr. House and Sheldon Cooper, and manages to interact with Elizabeth and Carly during his first few days on screen. Carly seems amused by his behavior, but it’ll be most interesting to see Kiki, Ava, and Nina react to Silas doppelgänger.

The saga of Carlos on the run plays on, as the presumed-dead-to-many fugitive continues to rebuff Paul’s requests for him to return to Port Charles. And can you blame him? Anna continues to mix determination with paranoia, as she accuses Griffin of being a plant for Paul. Griffin is confused, but agrees to take a DNA test to prove he is Duke’s son. Oh, and he endlessly prattles on about forgiveness to Anna and Sonny, neither of whom is really looking to forgive Carlos any time soon. Clearly Griffin has some buried secrets that he feels he is at peace with, but his audience isn’t exactly primed to do the same. Paul decides to move things along, tipping off an unknown person (media?) that Carlos isn’t dead. With Michael and Felix now on board with the “bring Sabrina and the baby home” plans, hopefully Teresa Castillo’s maternity leave is coming to an end so this story can pick up the pace.

Jason and Sam finalize their amicable divorce so they can begin dating each other. Meanwhile, Sam wants to continue investigating Hayden, but it seems as though Elizabeth and Fake Google have beaten her to the punch. Jason learns from Franco about the creepy Jake-oriented book that Helena left Elizabeth, and he and Elizabeth agree not to show it to Jake until they discuss it with his therapist.

Nina and Franco continue what seems to be the slow decline of their relationship over the issue of currently nonexistent babies. Franco bursts in on Nina’s appointment with Dr. Lee to reaffirm that he absolutely, positively does not want to be a father. Nina is crushed, but doesn’t fight Franco on the matter. After he leaves, she asks Dr. Lee to run the tests anyway, to see if she can even get pregnant.

The mysteries of Helena’s will continues, to varying degrees. Lulu has no open interest in the empty envelope. Nikolas is adamant about not looking further into the portrait of Helena with her probably poisoned tea. But Laura is full steam ahead about figuring out the mystery of her key. She learns that it opens a Russian steamer trunk, of which there are many in the Wyndemere attic. With Lulu in tow, Laura ventures to the attic (with her own portrait watching over her). They quickly discover the trunk in question and cautiously open it together. Of course, being from Helena, there are no easy answers. In the trunk is Scott Baldwin’s old law school textbook, with an old corsage stuck in the pages. Laura recognizes that it’s one of the books she bought Scott back when they were married. The cost of his books put them in debt, which led to her job at the Campus Disco, which led to her meeting Luke. But since all of that happened before Helena was in their lives, Laura is left to wonder what it all means.

Finally, congratulations to General Hospital for its twenty-four 2016 Emmy nominations! While the fact that there are only four daytime dramas guaranteed the show a nomination, special shout-outs are in order for Finola Hughes (Anna), Maura West (Ava), Tyler Christopher (Nikolas), Anthony Geary (ex-Luke), Sean Blakemore (ex-Shawn), Dominic Zamprogna (Dante), Brooklyn Rae Silzer (ex-Emma), Nicholas Bechtel (Spencer), Bryan Craig (Morgan), Tequan Richmond (T.J.), and Dee Wallace (ex-Patricia) for their acting nominations.

Who are you hoping to see go home with the gold when the awards are handed out on May 1? (Sadly, the academy announced that the show will not be televised this year.)

TV Families | EW.com
Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 AT 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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class="author-text"> <a class="bold author-name" href="/author/elisabeth-vincentelli/">Elisabeth Vincentelli</a> <div class="timestamp published-date padding-12-left"> April 14, 2000 AT 04:00 AM EDT </div> </div> </div> <!-- Article Content --> <div id="article-body" class="article content body clearfix"> <div class="padded"> <h3 class="article__creative-work-title">000</h3> <dl id="article__creative-work-info" class="article__creative-work-info"> <dt>type</dt> <dd>Music</dd> <dt>Current Status</dt> <dd>In Season</dd> </dl> <div class="article__letter-grade"> <span class="article__letter-grade-shape channel__color--background-color"></span> <p aria-label="Letter grade">We gave it a <strong>B</strong></p> </div> <p>Being the Rolling Stones is a tough job, but someone’s gotta do it. Since the Stones themselves have turned into a joke, we’ll gladly take the Delta 72. Their earlier recordings were inspired by hard-driving ’60s soul, but now with <strong>000</strong> these Philly boys look back to the flamboyantly sweaty boogie Jagger & Co. played at their ’70s peak — and completely rejuvenate it. Though it doesn’t come close to the delirious energy of the band’s shows, <em>000</em> is a shot of put-your-hands-in-the-air party music. <strong>B</strong></p> </div> </div> <!-- Bottom Recirc --> <div class="bottom-recirc padded-mobile " data-tracking-zone="bottom-recirc" > <div class="component outbrain clearfix " data-action="outbrain-component" data-tracking-zone=outbrain-bottom> <div class="OUTBRAIN " data-src="http://ew.com//article/2000/04/14/000/" data-widget-id="AR_24" data-ob-template="ew" > </div> </div> <div id="ad-728x90_FT_td_1" class="ad ad-container ad-wrapper desktop-ad tablet-ad " data-dimensions="728x90" data-tgxtargeting="%7B%22ft%22%3A%221%22%7D" data-tgxlazy="200" > </div> <div id="ad-300x250_FT_m_1" class="ad ad-container ad-wrapper mobile-ad " data-dimensions="300x250" data-tgxtargeting="%7B%22ft%22%3A%221%22%7D" data-tgxupdatecorrelator="true" data-tgxlazy="200" > </div> <div class="component feed clearfix bottom-recirc" 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