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'General Hospital' fan recap: Of sound mind and body

Season 53 | Episodes 240–244 | Aired Mar 14–18, 2016

In the 1990s, General Hospital told a social-issue story with tenderness and dignity. The love story of Robin and Stone, and yes, the AIDS virus is many a fan’s favorite, and left nary a dry eye amongst viewers. This week, two tales were based on real-life circumstances (translation: not mob)—and they couldn’t have played out more differently in terms of emotion. While Kristina is trying to sort out her sexuality and family relationships, Mayor Lomax is being played as a side-show attraction.

It is a very real situation where women are penalized and ostracized for breastfeeding. And viewers saw the entire scenario play out. Yes, Olivia chose to breastfeed in a business meeting, as is her legal right. And we saw Lomax react with histrionics over a jostled table. Now that it has come to court, the actual issue with merit is being sidestepped in favor of Lomax being an over-the-top villain, but not even a good one. While it’s always a pleasure to see Alexis and Diane together, all the courtroom hijinks were downright silly. Not only did Lomax cancel all events at the Metro Court, surely violating some contracts, but now she’s shutting it down for health-code violations? Lomax is coming off as a cartoon, with her open threats and antics. Is there anyone who isn’t looking for Alexis to shut her down in court? Maybe the fact that she stole the election from Felicia can finally come to light?

Meanwhile, Kristina is trying to come to terms with her own sexuality and keep her college suspension from her parents. The latter comes to light when Sonny’s tuition check is uncashed. Sonny confronts Kristina, with Molly and Alexis present. Kristina admits to trying to trade sex for grades, leaving out Parker’s name and gender. Sonny expresses disappointment in Kristina for her actions, all the while blaming the assumed-male professor, first as a liar, then with anger for her turning his daughter in. It’s called an honor code, Sonny. It’s based in ethics, which is why he’s unfamiliar with the concept.

Kristina and Molly have an honest conversation about sexuality. Kristina isn’t sure if she’s gay or bisexual, noting her history with men, but acknowledging how her strong feelings for Parker. Molly, in a possible daytime first, suggests that maybe her sister is polisexual (also known as pansexual). Regardless of what label, if any, Kristina gives herself, she is still unsure about revealing this to her parents. Because while Alexis has shown herself as quite a liberal, Kristina knows her father is unpredictable in his reactions. Case in point: Sonny is already sending Max to dig into the circumstances surrounding Kristina’s suspension with the idea of roughing up the accusing professor. Regardless, seeing the support and dialogue between the sisters is both topical and refreshing.

Having (allegedly) left the living world some time ago, it’s time for Helena to have her last goodbyes via her prerecorded will, courtesy of Scott Baldwin. Her bequeathments include:

Sam: One cent, to be divided amongst all the Davis girls, because that is all they are worth.

Alexis: An operatic music box with a Madame Butterfly program and dagger enclosed. The music represents the last song Alexis’ mother sang. The dagger is the actual murder weapon used by Helena to slit the aforementioned mother’s throat. Helena offers a “you’re welcome” for not dispatching Alexis in the same way.

Elizabeth: A leather portfolio entitled Jake’s Adventures, containing Jake’s drawings that he made while captive on Cassadine Island. Elizabeth peruses them a short time later and is disturbed by one showing Jake and Helena saying, “Never forget, never tell.”

Nikolas: After being called Helena’s greatest disappointment, she informs her grandson that all of her Cassadine fortune is being left to Cassadine Medical Research. For betraying her, Nikolas gets nothing except a portrait of Helena, sipping tea. Coupled with a flashback, this only gives credence to the theory that Nikolas poisoned Helena’s tea before she died.

Lulu: An empty envelope, along with the cryptic message that Lulu has done more for Helena than she will ever know. There’s no clue to the specific meaning of the empty envelope, but Helena is confident Lulu will pursue it. Viewers undoubtedly recall that Stavros Cassadine created an embryo with Lulu’s egg and his sperm (still an “eeewwww!”).

Laura: Helena voices that at long last, it’s her final moment with Laura. She bequeaths a key to an unknown lock, vowing that it will unlock what Laura has literally loved and lost. Laura is flummoxed and wonders if the point of the key is to drive her mad trying to figure out its meaning. She thinks of disposing of it, but holds on to the key for now.

Departing early from the reading, Alexis and Sam make their way to the Metro Court to discuss their inheritance. Sam suggests Goodwill, but Alexis suspects they draw the line at murder-weapon donations. Alexis discusses her unrepressed memories with Julian, who lends comfort and understanding to his new wife. But beyond being there for Alexis, Julian has his hand in quite a few other cookie jars this week.

Julian’s plan to sabotage the second issue of Crimson is a success, with all the magazine’s pages arriving individually and unassembled. Nina, Maxie, and Dillon are beside themselves, with Maxie pointing out that this second printing failure reeks of intention. Julian, feigning ignorance, tells them that the next issue of Crimson will be its swan song. Nina, desperate for a solution that doesn’t involve her own money, comes up with the idea of dropping the loose pages over malls and college campuses and turning it into a cash-reward scavenger hunt to assemble the magazine. Despite the obvious littering issues, the idea is a success, with Valerie and Curtis bringing in the first finished copy.

Julian also chats with Ava, who is still tethered to Kiki’s bedside. A call from a hospitalized Morgan turns the corner for Kiki, who finally shows signs of improvement. The next thing for Ava to worry about is how her lieutenants will handle the apparent betrayal of Ava for having been a police informant for the whole gun business. The arrival of a black rose signals doom for Ava, and Julian says she’s a dead woman walking. Ava wants to sit down with the families, but Julian offers to use his lengthy relationships and take the single meeting for her. How’s that whole no-mob thing working there, Julian? Of course, the black rose was just a ruse from Sonny, determined to keep Avery in his own custody. And, as Ava drops by to arrange just that, it’s clearly working.

Jason and Sam progress in their relationship in little steps, with Sam being stunned that Jason managed to procure his own artwork that he used to have on his penthouse mantle. While Jason is frustrated that no clear memories have returned (how about some therapy, eh?), Sam is looking forward to them getting to know each other again and rediscover their love. Her suggestion of divorce takes him by surprise, but once she explains that it’s so they can move forward and start anew, they’re both all in.

Elizabeth finds herself having to declare firmly and assertively that there is no relationship between her and Franco, despite his belief that they are friends. Ignoring the tumor defense, Elizabeth still hasn’t forgiven him for kidnapping Aiden to give to his mother. Nina is also jealous of Franco’s attention to Elizabeth, but he assures her that it’s solely based on his affections for Jake. But Obrecht’s ploy to have Franco babysit to get in touch with his inner father desires backfires, and Franco is more determined than ever not to be a dad.

Finally, the question of Griffin’s tie to Anna is revealed, as Anna recognizes his middle name, Fitzhugh, as Duke’s mother’s maiden name. Griffin reveals that Duke was his father, and although they never met, Duke was the love of his mother’s life. Having seen Duke’s love for Anna, Griffin’s mother kept her pregnancy a secret from Duke. Griffin doesn’t blame Anna, and Anna assures him that Duke would have loved being his father. It’s all very refreshing and genuine between the two, with Anna offering to share her insight and memories of Duke with Griffin. Has there ever been a less explosive paternity reveal? Does this naturally lead you to believe that there is more to the story?

Oh … and Claudette wasn’t just Nathan’s old girlfriend, but his wife. I’ll wait while you pick your jaws up off the ground and wait for something actually shocking to happen.

TV Families

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TV Families

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The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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Remember, this is going to just be a reference not a copy. window.peopleAdMappings['header-cm-ad']['peopleAdheadercmad'] = window.peopleAdMappings['peopleAdheadercmad']; window.peopleAdMappings['_renderedAds']['peopleAdheadercmad'] = window.peopleAdMappings['peopleAdheadercmad']; // POS Groups information. </script> </div> <!-- /.header-cm-ad --> </span> </div> </header><!-- #masthead --> <div id="people-time-health-banner"><div id="ad-time-health"></div></div> <div id="site__content" class="site__content"> <main role="main"> <article id="post-588800" class="article-single post-588800 post type-post status-publish format-standard hentry category-article category-music creative-work-11730"> <header class="article-header"> <h2 class="article-header__subchannel channel__color--color"><a class="channel__color--color" href="/article/">Article</a></h2><h1 class="article-header__title">000</h1><p class="article-header__byline"><a href="http://ew.com/author/elisabeth-vincentelli/" aria-label="Posts by Elisabeth Vincentelli" class="author url fn" rel="author">Elisabeth Vincentelli</a></p><p class="article-header__timestamp">Posted on <time datetime="2000-04-14T04:00:00+00:00">April 14, 2000 at 4:00am EDT</time></p> <div class="article-header__share"> <div class="sharedaddy sd-sharing-enabled"><div class="robots-nocontent sd-block sd-social sd-social-icon-text sd-sharing"><div class="sd-content"><ul><li class="share-facebook"><a rel="nofollow" data-shared="sharing-facebook-588800" class="share-facebook sd-button share-icon" href="http://ew.com/article/2000/04/14/000/?share=facebook" target="_blank" title="Share"><span>Share</span></a></li><li class="share-twitter"><a rel="nofollow" data-shared="sharing-twitter-588800" class="share-twitter sd-button share-icon" href="http://ew.com/article/2000/04/14/000/?share=twitter" target="_blank" title="Tweet"><span>Tweet</span></a></li><li class="share-email"><a rel="nofollow" data-shared="" class="share-email sd-button 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time_dfp.defineSlot(window.peopleAdMappings['peopleAdhp_300x250'])}); if ( 'undefined' === typeof window.peopleAdMappings['hp_300x250'] || 'undefined' === typeof window.peopleAdMappings['hp_300x250']['default'] ) { window.peopleAdMappings['hp_300x250'] = {}; // Remember, this is going to just be a reference not a copy. window.peopleAdMappings['hp_300x250']['default'] = window.peopleAdMappings['peopleAdhp_300x250']; }; // Remember, this is going to just be a reference not a copy. window.peopleAdMappings['hp_300x250']['peopleAdhp_300x250'] = window.peopleAdMappings['peopleAdhp_300x250']; window.peopleAdMappings['_renderedAds']['peopleAdhp_300x250'] = window.peopleAdMappings['peopleAdhp_300x250']; // POS Groups information. </script> </div> </div> <div class="article-single__content"> <h3 class="article__creative-work-title">000</h3> <dl id="article__creative-work-info" class="article__creative-work-info"> <dt>type:</dt> <dd>Music</dd> <dt>Current Status:</dt> <dd>In Season</dd> </dl> <div class="article-body"> <div class="article__letter-grade"><span class="article__letter-grade-shape channel__color--background-color"></span><p aria-label="Letter grade">We gave it a <strong>B</strong></p></div> <div class="article-body__inner"> <div class="triangle-anchor"></div><p>Being the Rolling Stones is a tough job, but someone’s gotta do it. Since the Stones themselves have turned into a joke, we’ll gladly take the Delta 72. Their earlier recordings were inspired by hard-driving ’60s soul, but now with <strong>000</strong> these Philly boys look back to the flamboyantly sweaty boogie Jagger & Co. played at their ’70s peak — and completely rejuvenate it. 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