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Where has 'Family Therapy' been our whole lives?

Season 1 | Episode 1 | “Family Therapy Begins” | Aired Mar 16, 2015

All this time, you didn’t even know you needed Family Therapy in your life. You were just wandering around with a D-list celebrity-size hole in your heart. Thank you, VH1, for continuing to make shows that simultaneously make me feel both better and worse about the human race.

The latest installment of trainwreck TV is Family Therapy with Dr. Jenn, and it’s already fulfilling every single emotional deficiency I’ve ever had. All I need to feel good about myself is 45 minutes alone with this show, and everything is right with my mind.

Overly critical mother? Who cares? I have the extreme weirdness that is Tiffany “New York” Pollard and her mother, “Sister” Patterson. Emotionally unavailable boyfriend? So what? Bam Margera can distract me with his brokenness. Passed over for a promotion at work? To hell with it. Dina and Michael Lohan will make it all go away as they debate the logistics of their domestic abuse.

There’s something so satisfying about watching shows like Family Therapy and Couples Therapy. Dr. Jenn, for one, is kind of a badass, and handles antics with more poise and grace than you’d think is humanly possible. Also, my innate sense of self-actualization allows me to feel superior to the folks on my screen. That’s definitely not the right way to live my life, but watching these celebrity(ish) characters devolve into their worst selves makes me feel better about not changing my sheets in over a week.

All I’m saying is that VH1 gets me—and face it, they get you too. They know how to mix a volatile, psychologically questionable, pitiful cocktail just right: so that it packs a punch, but you’re not too hung over in the morning. One is never enough, but sometimes it’s one too many.

Meet the cast of Family Therapy with Dr. Jenn:

Tiffany “New York” Patterson and Michell “Sister” Patterson,
Famous for
Flavor of Love and I Love New York.

Sister Patterson is bananas. She is controlling, manipulative, critical, and high-strung. She wants to manage Tiffany’s life, down to how and when she breathes … and when she can’t, she becomes angry and hostile.

She dominated the first episode of the show with her psychic antics and loud-mouth shenanigans. She confronted Kami, the house worker, first, then quickly moved on to Dr. Jenn, Dr. Conte, and then Dina Lohan.

I’d really like to complain about Tiffany and Sister Patterson, but I just can’t bring myself to do it. They are magnificent. Together they encapsulate everything that is wonderful (or maybe terrible) about reality TV.

Sister Patterson’s clairvoyance and spirit-reading is enough to sustain its own show, in my opinion. But once she starts beefing with (literally) everybody, she’s won my heart. There may as well not even be anybody else on this show.

Best quote from Sister “I’m going to whisper this, so no one hears us. If you get pregnant, I’m going to TAKE your baby.”

Dina and Michael Lohan
Famous for:
screwing their children up—most notably their daughter, Lindsay Lohan.

It doesn’t seem like there is anything left to mine from this cesspool of a relationship (even Sister Patterson gets the heebie-jeebies from Dina’s aura), but leave it to Dr. Jenn to get down to business.

There’s so much toxic sludge in between these two that I (almost) can’t even enjoy it. Once their bickering devolves into a dissection of the details of their past violence and drug use, I’m hooked. I want, nay, need to see how their relationship pans out.

Best quote from Dina: “I don’t know how to process getting punched in the face, over and over.”

Bam and April Margera
Famous for: being a globally ranked skateboarder and from Jackass, the show and movie.

Here’s where things take a turn for the sad. It’s hard to enjoy somebody else’s sh-tshow when it’s completely wrapped up in addiction and grief. Bam is a raging alcoholic. He’s deep into his disease, and it’s obviously controlling his life. So much so that he should be doing a stint on Intervention instead of Family Therapy.

His self-destructive tendencies have taken a much darker, suicidal turn, after the death of friend and costar Ryan Dunn. He is practically oozing pain, and you can barely even look at him without pangs of empathy and compassion taking over.

His poor mother is suffering right along with him, but it’s almost worse for her because she doesn’t have any substances to dull her worry and pain. It’s a horrible situation to watch—Bam falling down in the street, conducting the interview with a broken and bleeding hand, slurring and stumbling through lunch with his mom. I can’t laugh at him.

Best quote from April: “I just want him to get healthy. We, the whole family, are worried about Bam.”

Brittany and Briana Dejesus
Famous for:
16 and Pregnant and Teen Mom 3.

These sisters are awful to each other. Dr. Jenn calls it sibling rivalry, but it goes far beyond that. They both discovered they were pregnant around the same time, but Briana decided to have an abortion, while Brittany kept her baby.

Now the sisters live with their single mother, raising Briana’s baby, and the resentment is like an elephant between them. They might as well be hurling grenades at each other every time they open their mouths to speak.

This has potential to get very Bad Girls Club very quickly, but I can’t lie—that would be amazing. I’m not rooting for the sisters to fight or anything, but there’s no drama like sister drama. And let’s just admit it: We’re all here for the drama.

Best line from both: Briana: “You’re SOOO MEAN!!!” Brittany: “You’re so sensitive.”

I didn’t write about the Dashes … more to come next week. Stay tuned.

As you can tell, I’m excited to write about this juicy mess. What did you love this week?

Family Therapy airs Wednesdays at 9/8C on VH1.

TV Families

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TV Families

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The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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aria-label="Posts by Elisabeth Vincentelli" class="author url fn" rel="author">Elisabeth Vincentelli</a></p><p class="article-header__timestamp">Posted on <time datetime="2000-04-14T04:00:00+00:00">April 14, 2000 at 4:00am EDT</time></p> <div class="article-header__share"> <div class="sharedaddy sd-sharing-enabled"><div class="robots-nocontent sd-block sd-social sd-social-icon-text sd-sharing"><div class="sd-content"><ul><li class="share-facebook"><a rel="nofollow" data-shared="sharing-facebook-588800" class="share-facebook sd-button share-icon" href="http://ew.com/article/2000/04/14/000/?share=facebook" target="_blank" title="Share"><span>Share</span></a></li><li class="share-twitter"><a rel="nofollow" data-shared="sharing-twitter-588800" class="share-twitter sd-button share-icon" href="http://ew.com/article/2000/04/14/000/?share=twitter" target="_blank" title="Tweet"><span>Tweet</span></a></li><li class="share-email"><a rel="nofollow" data-shared="" class="share-email sd-button 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<div class="article-body"> <div class="article__letter-grade"><span class="article__letter-grade-shape channel__color--background-color"></span><p aria-label="Letter grade">We gave it a <strong>B</strong></p></div> <div class="article-body__inner"> <div class="triangle-anchor"></div><p>Being the Rolling Stones is a tough job, but someone’s gotta do it. Since the Stones themselves have turned into a joke, we’ll gladly take the Delta 72. Their earlier recordings were inspired by hard-driving ’60s soul, but now with <strong>000</strong> these Philly boys look back to the flamboyantly sweaty boogie Jagger & Co. played at their ’70s peak — and completely rejuvenate it. Though it doesn’t come close to the delirious energy of the band’s shows, <em>000</em> is a shot of put-your-hands-in-the-air party music. <strong>B</strong></p> </div> <div class="article-body__show-full"> <button id="button--show-full" class="channel__color--background-color" type="button">Show Full Article</button> </div> </div> <!-- template: article-footer --> <footer class="article-footer"> <div class="articles-recirculation articles-recirculation--see-also channel__color--border-color"> <!-- template: article-footer-section-title --> <h2 class="article-footer__section-title channel__color--border-color article-footer__section-title--third-party"> <div class="article-footer__section-title-inner-wrap"> <span class="article-footer__section-title-span"> <span class="article-footer__section-title-more article-footer__section-title-more--" data-mobile-title=""> sponsored stories </span> </span> </div> </h2> <div class="ob-widget-wrapper " data-url-fragment="outbrain"> <div 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