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'Girlfriends' Guide to Divorce' for divorced girls: Make it about you

Season 2 | Episode 13 | “Rule #59: ‘Happily Ever After’ Is an Oxymoron” | Aired Feb 23, 2016

Recently divorced women across America have tuned in all season to Girlfriends’ Guide to Divorce to get their healing doses of Divorced in the City. This girl, however, has been taking notes, and this week I learned a thing or two from Abby and her gang of divorcées about disaster. It’s a good thing this show isn’t called Girlfriends’ Guide to Marriage (or to Weddings, for that matter).

Here are all the lessons from this week’s episode, “‘Happily Ever After’ Is an Oxymoron.”

Drink. A lot.
Abby hasn’t had a lot of great ideas recently, but you can’t go wrong with booze. When Gordon disappears right after the wedding, Delia and the ladies are left scrambling at the reception. Everyone knows the best way to distract guests is with double shots and heavy pours. Operation Obfuscate, engage.

Now, I’m not suggesting applying alcohol for the long-term fix, but in the moment, sometimes all you need is a stiff drink. It’s true that whiskey never solved anybody’s marriage and infidelity problems, but neither has club soda. So, drink up. It mitigates all the gossip and speculation, but so does telling the guests that “Gordon has the runs.”

But mostly, booze.

Make it about you.
If things are getting too heavy dealing with the whole “jilted bride” thing, by all means, announce that you just got married to your boyfriend of five minutes. Because every sobbing, devastated train wreck of a rejected woman wants to hear how much love you’re in while still wearing her wedding dress.

We get it, Phoebe. You and JD are soooo in love, and you guys are all pure and sweet and … BLECH!!! But is it really the right time to trot out your forever eyes and true love’s kiss, minutes after your friend just suffered the most humiliating moment of her romantic life?

Nah. Maybe save it for later, K?

Put your friends to work.
Canceling a wedding and your future with the man you love is big work. Especially when Delia has to pretend to be married to him, and then pretend he has the runs. What else is there to do? Obviously, you put your very glamorous friends wearing wildly impractical shoes and white dresses to work trying to distract guests from the shit show.

If there is ever a time to take a moment to yourself while your girlfriends clean up your mess, it’s after (sort of) getting left at the altar. Go ahead and cry those ugly tears, drink champagne straight from the bottle, and question every decision you’ve ever made. You’ve got a team of sweet friends who have your back, and they are going to make it okay.

Identify your stress threshold.
Abby finally reached the fill line for stress and catastrophe as the story of her (not so) salacious experience with Carl, the gigolo, hits the Internet. That’s not even the worst of it. She sort of gets fired for not wanting to write about it, and pretty much has a meltdown on the bathroom floor—white dress, menopause, and all.

Meanwhile, Becca is also losing her mind, having been cooped up with the CW–Taye Diggs baby. Jake rescues her, but not before she threatens to duct-tape the baby’s mouth shut, drop-kick him out the window, and feed him ice cream. I’m not judging … I’ve been that desperate, frazzled mom. But I didn’t have a dreamy ex to reach out to when I hit my stress threshold, and I certainly didn’t flee my fancy Hollywood house to escape my crying baby. (I wish.)

Make speeches.
It is a wedding, so I guess speeches are expected. But things took an awkward turn when Jo and Scott spoke at the reception. Scott professed his undying love for Jo, and she replied, “Snap out of it,” Moonstruck-style. I had to look away.

Frumpkis makes a speech about Jo too, but mostly it just outs Gordon as being missing and NOT having the runs. Later, JD announces how in love he and Phoebe are (barf!) and that they’re married now. Enough already.

Best of all, however, is Delia’s speech proclaiming she’s “not the marrying kind.” PREACH!. It’s so smart for GG2D to take this stand. It’s 2016, not 1956. Who says every woman wants a big wedding, with a husband to solve all her problems, saving her from worrying her pretty little lady brain?

Guess what? It’s okay to say you are “happily unmarried” and loving it.

Go for the DJ.
At least, if they look like the sexy hunk Delia hired. Although, it seems like said hunk only has eyes for Barbara. He thinks she’s “sexy on a biscuit,” after all.

The heavy petting they are doing in the corner is a damn good example of how to manage disaster. So, if at all possible, find a cute guy who thinks you’re a goddess, and make out with him. Hard.

Be sunny.
Because “what’s the worst that could happen?” Although your teenage daughter finding out you paid a prostitute for sex, like a “crackwhore,” is about as close to “worst” as you can get. But if Abby’s brand can give Barbara hope and motivation to get with the sexy DJ, it must have some merit.

Even though my cynical sarcasm often comes off as pessimism, I find it’s always best to just keep it sunny. Frowning gives you wrinkles, and if I’m gonna navigate my divorce AND my thirties, then I definitely need to take care of my skin.

A few tidbits worth mentioning:

  • When faced with her editor’s ultimatum, “publish or perish,” Abby chooses to perish. Her writing career is in serious trouble, with both her book and her job at SheShe.

  • Love is both a trick and a fraud, but also kinda the best thing that ever happens to you—depending on whom you ask.

  • Jake and Abby 3.0 is probably the best version of them yet—completely unrelated CW baby and all.

  • There’s no handbook for women and men having the same amount of power in love and business, so we make our own rules.

Thanks, Girlfriends’ Guide to Divorce, for an amazing second season. Here’s to a third … and a fourth … and a fifth …

Girlfriends’ Guide to Divorce airs Tuesdays at 10/9C on Bravo.

TV Families | EW.com
Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 AT 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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