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'Girlfriends' Guide to Divorce' for divorced girls: Cracking up

Season 2 | Episode 12 | “Rule #816: Everything Does NOT Happen for a Reason” | Aired Feb 16, 2016

Recently divorced women across America are tuning in to Girlfriends’ Guide to Divorce every week to get their healing doses of Divorced in the City. This girl, however, is taking notes, and I’ve learned a thing or two from Abby and her gang of divorcées. It’s a good thing this show isn’t called Girlfriends’ Guide to Marriage.

Here are all the lessons from this week’s episode, “Everything Does NOT Happen for a Reason.”

You’re never too old to be a blushing bride.
Delia is really doubling down on this wedding stuff, and it’s absolutely, positively NOT because she feels guilty for cheating on her husband with her slimy boss.

Oh, wait, yes it is. Delia makes this huge deal about not seeing Gordon before the wedding. She, Jo, and Phoebe are spending her last single night with dick games and Renee Zellweger’s old face, but nothing can cure the acute case of doubts she’s catching.

As far as the wedding, I say, make the most of it. Weddings are fun and are absolutely no indication of how the marriage is going to be (obviously), so live it up. Wear the lacy dress, have the Pink Ladies–inspired bachelorette party, drink all the champagne. It’s best to get your money’s worth out of the wedding. Especially if the marriage isn’t looking so good.

Deny and avoid.
Abby is avoiding everything except the gibberish she’s calling a book. She’s dodging Phoebe’s calls, brushing off Barbara’s work concerns, and denying her obvious need for some rest, while generally disconnecting from reality.

This will probably get me in some trouble with you guys, but I’m kind of with Abby on this one. Not in the way she treated Delia, or the way she’s deprioritizing everything for work, but in the way she’s essentially tucking her head in the sand. That’s actually a legitimate tactic that I use all the time. If you ignore it, it goes away, right?

Don’t, under any circumstances, have a breakdown in 2016.
Oh, Abby. That meme of you on the curb. The mean comments under the link calling you a “dumpster whore.” The Harris groupies calling you “his ex—the old one.” It’s a social media nightmare.

Although if you’re going to crack up, you could have picked a better place to lose your shit than the very public Grove, PARTICULARLY in front of Dr. Harris’s book signing. Since everyone has a camera phone and YouTube channel these days, Abby’s private hell is now about as public as it gets.

Let that be a lesson to you. Fall apart safely in the privacy of your own home, like a real woman. Eat your feelings and binge-drink from your own bed, at 2 p.m. on Tuesday, like the rest of us. Hide your crazy, ladies.

My vagina is made of leprechaun gold.
Not that I needed GG2D to tell me, but it’s a fun reminder that we sort of control the universe with our golden P. Ships are launched, wars are fought, and Twitter wars spiral out of control over these magic bits.

Just ask JD, as he’s transformed, with one punch of the V-card, into Phoebe’s devoted follower. A word to the wise: Use your powers for good, ladies.

Set boundaries with your ex.
Attention, Jo. This means DO NOT, under any circumstances, nurse Frumpkis through a bender after his wife leaves him for a tennis pro. And absolutely don’t lie to your smarty-pants daughter about what’s going on. She’s already figured it out anyway.

It’s best to keep exes firmly in the rearview, unless you love a codependent relationship with no healing or closure in sight. If so, then by all means, be my guest.

When your friends are worried about you, you should be too.
You know things are getting bad when Barbara is teaming up with Jo, Three’s Company–style, to break into Abby’s house. But Abby can’t see her own rock bottom, and her friends aren’t convincing her. She thinks she’s fine, but apparently she can’t see that wild look in her own eyes either, and isn’t afraid of the crazy in them.

I understand Abby’s inclination to ask for more instead of asking for help, but if I ever drive straight through a parking barricade, or camp out in a trendy coffee shop all day muttering to myself with a pencil in my hair, somebody please intervene.

Be there for your friends, even if you acted like a dick.
Abby pulls it together long enough to go to Delia’s wedding, but things don’t really get much resolution. Maybe it’s because Abby is too busy shouting her apology at Delia through self-pitying tears, or maybe it’s because Delia has bigger, more cheat-y problems to solve, but things don’t get hashed out quite as they should. At least Abby is around for Delia’s horrible, no good wedding day.

Show up for your girlfriends, folks. Sometimes they are the only ones who get it. When the husband forces you to marry him, then leaves you at the reception; when you’re on the cusp of a psychotic break; when you’re barreling, head first, into a doomed relationship … they’re the ones who will be there when it gets real.

Difficult is the new sexy (thank God!).
Scott is in love with Jo, even though he knows what he’s getting himself into. And that’s pretty sexy, too. His little speech about Jo being difficult was poetry. As a highly difficult (but worth it) woman myself, I am certainly happy to hear that it’s starting to be appreciated.

What about you? Learn anything this week?

Girlfriends’ Guide to Divorce airs Tuesdays at 10/9C on Bravo.

TV Families | EW.com
Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 AT 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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