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'Hawaii Five-0' fan recap: Unhappy Valentine's Day

Season 6 | Episodes 14 | “Hoa ‘inea” | Aired Feb 12, 2016

It’s Valentine’s Day on Hawaii Five-0, but it’s not exactly a happy one—for the team or the victims. And the biggest mystery of this episode isn’t the murder(s), it’s how Steve got that black eye. Let’s run down our poor team’s Valentine’s Days, from best to worst.

Max

Max recreated his first date with longtime girlfriend, Sabrina. Granted, it was in a hospital cafeteria, but still pretty sweet.

Chin

Chin got himself and Abby last-minute reservations from Masaharu Morimoto, but they didn’t get to any of the “grown-up stuff.” Abby says she can’t do this and rushes out of the hotel room. Chin chases after her, but in the process, he gets locked out of his hotel room, wearing only the tiniest towel.

He has to walk all the way down to the lobby to get a new key, and he has the AWKWARDEST encounter with Duke and his wife. Chin definitely had the most mortifying Valentine’s Day, but a man who looks that good in that small of a towel can’t lose.

Hawaii Five-0, "Hoa

Steve

Remember Lynn, the girl Steve went went out with a few months ago? Apparently they’re still seeing each other. Steve’s V-Day ranks higher on this list because he and Lynn obviously got good before things went sideways. But then when Lynn went looking for a shirt to wear, she found the ring Steve had bought for Catherine. They argued about her being a rebound, and she stormed off.

But Steve made it up to her with fancy dinner at Morimoto’s restaurant, and she made it up to him with a striptease … that ended with Steve taking a five-inch wedge to the face (hence the black eye). But honestly, it could have been worse.

Danny

Danny prepared a beautiful dinner for himself and Melissa (Lili Simmons)—who still exists—complete with bunny napkins. (He learned it on YouTube.) Things go great until they exchange cards. She signed hers “I love you,” and he signed his “Danny.” ROOKIE MISTAKE.

Things escalate into a full-blown screaming match because Danny has never told Melissa he loves her, even though they’ve been “dating” for like two years. Rachel gets brought up at one point (YIKES), and Melissa tells Danny she doesn’t feel like a priority. (Seeing as it’s episode 14 and this is the first time we’ve seen her all season, she ain’t wrong.) Danny is not sure if they broke up or not. (But they snuggle up in bed together post-case, so I think the answer is no.)

Hawaii Five-0, "Hoa

Lou

Lou brought his misery upon himself because he completely forgot about Valentine’s Day. He shows up still in his golf shoes with some convenience-store flowers and wearing a blue velour suit.

Renee looks too good in that dress to put up with this nonsense, and she sentences Lou to the doghouse for 24 hours. And with the rest of the team occupied with their own evenings, Lou ends up sleeping alone at a ratty motel. But he eventually makes it up to Renee with a private lunch, courtesy of Five-0’s personal chef, Morimoto.

Kono

Kono’s husband is IN JAIL, and she cries alone while watching her wedding video. This is the saddest thing ever. She wins (loses?), hands down.

Interspersed between V-Day stories, we have an actual case to solve. A woman, Launa Cruz, was found shot in a bathtub. She’s in a coma at the hospital, and things aren’t looking good.

The house belongs to a company that rents properties to people having affairs. (Lovely.) Was Launa having an affair? She had called HPD the day before to report her husband missing, and a cut on her hand suggests that Launa started off as the attacker. Maybe she went after her cheating husband.

But the prints come back to a hooker, Natalie, who says she wasn’t with Jack Cruz. She was with an older john, who gave her a cute bra. Her story checks out since Chin and Kono find Jack Cruz’s body, and he died the day before his wife.

Their only clue is the hooker’s bra, which Danny recognizes as coming from Victoria’s Secret. So McDanno heads to check out some lingerie, and Danny is apparently a regular there. SEND HELP. Their john’s name is Michael Foxton, and he bought the same lingerie seven times this month.

They pick up Michael, and he says Launa attacked him. She was shot during the struggle; it was self-defense, he claims … right before he has a heart attack. But stress didn’t cause it. His wife, Tessa, hasn’t been giving him his correct medication. That’s because she and Launa met at their country club and made a plan to murder each other’s husbands, Strangers on a Train style.

Steve and Danny try to get Tessa to incriminate herself by telling her that Launa woke up from her coma and they’ll be able to interview her soon. Tessa goes to the hospital trying to tie up some loose ends, and finds Five-0 waiting for her and a dummy in the bed—Launa already died of her injuries. So maybe Tessa had the worst Valentine’s Day after all.

OTHER STUFF

  • As many of you guessed, there is no explanation at all about how Lou got out of trouble in Chicago. Color me not shocked at all.
  • This episode featured four new Coldplay songs, which is cool. I guess, if you listen to Coldplay songs besides “Fix You.”
  • Danny and Steve going to Victoria’s Secret together—where Danny is on a first-name basis with the employees—is both the best and the worst thing that’s ever happened to me as a McDanno shipper.
  • Abby calls Chin to apologize for ruining their Valentine’s Day. She really likes him, but they’ve never talked about where things are going. She says she’s in San Fran for a few days, but will make it up to him when he returns. But it turns out that Abby is a big old liar; she’s still on the island. So what is she up to?

Julie Benz in Hawaii Five-0, "Hoa

Hawaii Five-0 airs Fridays at 9/8C on CBS.

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TV Families

TV Families — We compare various television clans through the years to see how they stack up, from ”The Brady Bunch” to ”The Flintstones”

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The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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window.peopleAdMappings['peopleAdheadercmad_223x92']; }; // Remember, this is going to just be a reference not a copy. window.peopleAdMappings['header-cm-ad_223x92']['peopleAdheadercmad_223x92'] = window.peopleAdMappings['peopleAdheadercmad_223x92']; window.peopleAdMappings['_renderedAds']['peopleAdheadercmad_223x92'] = window.peopleAdMappings['peopleAdheadercmad_223x92']; // POS Groups information. </script> </div> <!-- /.header-cm-ad_223x92 --> </span> </div> </header><!-- #masthead --> <div id="people-time-health-banner"><div id="ad-time-health"></div></div> <div id="site__content" class="site__content"> <main role="main"> <article id="post-588800" class="article-single post-588800 post type-post status-publish format-standard hentry category-article category-music creative-work-11730"> <header class="article-header"> <h2 class="article-header__subchannel channel__color--color"><a class="channel__color--color" href="/article/">Article</a></h2><h1 class="article-header__title">000</h1><p class="article-header__byline"><a href="http://ew.com/author/elisabeth-vincentelli/" aria-label="Posts by Elisabeth Vincentelli" class="author url fn" rel="author">Elisabeth Vincentelli</a></p><p class="article-header__timestamp">Posted on <time datetime="2000-04-14T04:00:00+00:00">April 14, 2000 at 4:00am EDT</time></p> <div class="article-header__share"> <div class="sharedaddy sd-sharing-enabled"><div class="robots-nocontent sd-block sd-social sd-social-icon-text sd-sharing"><div class="sd-content"><ul><li class="share-facebook"><a rel="nofollow" data-shared="sharing-facebook-588800" class="share-facebook sd-button share-icon" href="http://ew.com/article/2000/04/14/000/?share=facebook" target="_blank" title="Share"><span>Share</span></a></li><li class="share-twitter"><a rel="nofollow" data-shared="sharing-twitter-588800" class="share-twitter sd-button share-icon" href="http://ew.com/article/2000/04/14/000/?share=twitter" target="_blank" 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[]; window.peopleAdMappings['_renderedAds'] = window.peopleAdMappings['_renderedAds'] || {}; window.time_dfp.push( function() { time_dfp.defineSlot(window.peopleAdMappings['peopleAdhp_300x250'])}); if ( 'undefined' === typeof window.peopleAdMappings['hp_300x250'] || 'undefined' === typeof window.peopleAdMappings['hp_300x250']['default'] ) { window.peopleAdMappings['hp_300x250'] = {}; // Remember, this is going to just be a reference not a copy. window.peopleAdMappings['hp_300x250']['default'] = window.peopleAdMappings['peopleAdhp_300x250']; }; // Remember, this is going to just be a reference not a copy. window.peopleAdMappings['hp_300x250']['peopleAdhp_300x250'] = window.peopleAdMappings['peopleAdhp_300x250']; window.peopleAdMappings['_renderedAds']['peopleAdhp_300x250'] = window.peopleAdMappings['peopleAdhp_300x250']; // POS Groups information. </script> </div> </div> <div class="article-single__content"> <h3 class="article__creative-work-title">000</h3> <dl id="article__creative-work-info" class="article__creative-work-info"> <dt>type:</dt> <dd>Music</dd> <dt>Current Status:</dt> <dd>In Season</dd> </dl> <div class="article-body"> <div class="article__letter-grade"><span class="article__letter-grade-shape channel__color--background-color"></span><p aria-label="Letter grade">We gave it a <strong>B</strong></p></div> <div class="article-body__inner"> <div class="triangle-anchor"></div><p>Being the Rolling Stones is a tough job, but someone’s gotta do it. Since the Stones themselves have turned into a joke, we’ll gladly take the Delta 72. Their earlier recordings were inspired by hard-driving ’60s soul, but now with <strong>000</strong> these Philly boys look back to the flamboyantly sweaty boogie Jagger & Co. played at their ’70s peak — and completely rejuvenate it. Though it doesn’t come close to the delirious energy of the band’s shows, <em>000</em> is a shot of put-your-hands-in-the-air party music. <strong>B</strong></p> </div> <div class="article-body__show-full"> <button id="button--show-full" class="channel__color--background-color" type="button">Show Full Article</button> </div> </div> <!-- template: article-footer --> <footer class="article-footer"> <div class="articles-recirculation articles-recirculation--footer articles-recirculation--see-also channel__color--border-color"> <!-- template: article-footer-section-title --> <h2 class="article-footer__section-title channel__color--border-color article-footer__section-title--third-party"> <div class="article-footer__section-title-inner-wrap"> <span class="article-footer__section-title-span"> <span class="article-footer__section-title-more article-footer__section-title-more--" data-mobile-title=""> sponsored stories </span> </span> </div> </h2> <div class="ob-widget-wrapper " 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