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'Girlfriends' Guide to Divorce' for divorced girls: Baggage

Season 2 | Episode 10 | “Rule #36: If You Can’t Take the Heat, You’re Cooked” | Aired Feb 2, 2016

Recently divorced women across America are tuning in to Girlfriends’ Guide to Divorce every week to get their healing doses of “Divorced in the City.” This girl, however, is taking notes, and I’ve learned a thing or two from Abby and her gang of divorcées.

Here are all the lessons from this week’s episode, “If You Can’t Stand the Heat, You’re Cooked.”

Nobody likes a sunny divorce.
Although Abby is getting this advice from her (possibly) meth-addicted editor, played by the flawless Jean Smart, I can see the value in it. Remember when Barbara gets super-annoyed that Abby is having the best divorce ever and scolds her for being so tone-deaf? Yeah … she was right.

Nobody wants to know how great you’re doing during your divorce, and nobody can relate to a story that makes it sound like your life is nothing but peaches and cream. Trust me, the minute someone starts telling me how their divorce has been painless and smooth, I immediately start plotting their murder. Divorce isn’t for sissies, and props to Barb and the meth-head editor for holding Abby accountable for all the gritty and raw bits.

Your sex is the cure for everything that’s wrong with him.
All it takes is one night with Phoebe, and socially awkward J.D. is a brand-new man, for the most part. Sure he’s still a little wobbly at the party and the art show, but he’s had a miraculous turnaround for a man who’s grappled with severe social anxiety disorder since he was a kid.

I don’t need much convincing that my lady bits are the golden gate to heaven, but I might be reluctant to believe it has actual curative properties. But if Phoebe’s can cure an actual mental disorder, I shouldn’t be so skeptical about my own powers. As long as I use them for good.

The phrase “my amazingness” is really just code for “my baggage.”
Abby just won’t learn her lesson with Dr. Harris. Instead of seeing his commitment red flags and running the other way, she’s dragging him, kicking and screaming, deeper and deeper into her “amazingness.” Which, we know, just means the craziness that is meeting her friends and bratty kids. She thinks he’s going to be so happy to be a part of this “amazingness,” but Harris sees baggage red flags, and Abby just winds up looking a little desperate.

Abby made a rookie mistake. She sent her representative home too early; you have to maintain that mystery a little longer. Not because there’s anything wrong with being messy or vulnerable, but because it’s always best to offer the sugar before the medicine. It’s just not good business to trot the crazy out before they can appreciate the beauty.

Nonchalance is the new interested.
Last week it became clear that these ladies struggled with “casual,” so this week they overcorrected with the most poorly executed exhibit of nonchalance I’ve ever seen. Abby is weirdly distant to Dr. Harris until it seems like he might need to have a hard conversation with her—then he’s choking on her tongue when she throws her face against his.

I’ve never understood the inclination to play small. Maybe I just don’t have it in me to hide how I’m really feeling, or maybe I just have a terrible poker face, but if I have to play nonchalant to get his attention, I’m doomed. For real. I might as well just open a tab at the cat shelter.

Kids and pregnant mistresses are boner killers.
Nothing sends a man running for the hills like a tangled mess of drama and complications, especially a man as terminally bland as Dr. Harris. It’s not ideal to host your ex-husband’s ex-girlfriend during her troubling pregnancy, but it’s not prohibitive—and neither is a bratty 7-year-old in desperate need of a haircut.

It is, however, a real douche move for him to break up with her over it.

Good riddance to bad rubbish.

Guilt makes us take a lot of crap.
Gordon wouldn’t yell at me or my friends like that more than once. But I guess when you’ve been having a torrid affair with your boss, you feel like you deserve to be treated like crap.

Guess what? You don’t. Delia could have slept with Gordon’s mom, and she still wouldn’t have deserved to be treated that way in front of her friends. Delia, like a lot of us, needs to stand up to the guy, and let Gordon know she won’t have it.

Don’t invest in a pregnancy until you’re sure the baby belongs to you.
Okay, so the CW baby never really technically “belonged” to Abby. But she did get (as Jo put it) “all single white mommy” about it. It was weird and little sad to see Abby getting so attached to a child who is three times removed from her own experience. And it’s doubly weird now that we know the CW baby doesn’t even belong to Jake.

It’s tempting to get caught up in the experience of the blended family and being all evolved and modern. But I think that for us divorced folks, boundaries are our friends, and they can keep us from a lot of heartache.

What else did we learn this week?

Girlfriends’ Guide to Divorce airs Tuesdays at 10/9C on Bravo.

TV Families | EW.com
Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 AT 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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