Season 2 | Episode 10 | “Rule #36: If You Can’t Take the Heat, You’re Cooked” | Aired Feb 2, 2016
Recently divorced women across America are tuning in to Girlfriends’ Guide to Divorce every week to get their healing doses of “Divorced in the City.” This girl, however, is taking notes, and I’ve learned a thing or two from Abby and her gang of divorcées.
Here are all the lessons from this week’s episode, “If You Can’t Stand the Heat, You’re Cooked.”
Nobody likes a sunny divorce. Although Abby is getting this advice from her (possibly) meth-addicted editor, played by the flawless Jean Smart, I can see the value in it. Remember when Barbara gets super-annoyed that Abby is having the best divorce ever and scolds her for being so tone-deaf? Yeah … she was right.
Nobody wants to know how great you’re doing during your divorce, and nobody can relate to a story that makes it sound like your life is nothing but peaches and cream. Trust me, the minute someone starts telling me how their divorce has been painless and smooth, I immediately start plotting their murder. Divorce isn’t for sissies, and props to Barb and the meth-head editor for holding Abby accountable for all the gritty and raw bits.
Your sex is the cure for everything that’s wrong with him. All it takes is one night with Phoebe, and socially awkward J.D. is a brand-new man, for the most part. Sure he’s still a little wobbly at the party and the art show, but he’s had a miraculous turnaround for a man who’s grappled with severe social anxiety disorder since he was a kid.
I don’t need much convincing that my lady bits are the golden gate to heaven, but I might be reluctant to believe it has actual curative properties. But if Phoebe’s can cure an actual mental disorder, I shouldn’t be so skeptical about my own powers. As long as I use them for good.
The phrase “my amazingness” is really just code for “my baggage.” Abby just won’t learn her lesson with Dr. Harris. Instead of seeing his commitment red flags and running the other way, she’s dragging him, kicking and screaming, deeper and deeper into her “amazingness.” Which, we know, just means the craziness that is meeting her friends and bratty kids. She thinks he’s going to be so happy to be a part of this “amazingness,” but Harris sees baggage red flags, and Abby just winds up looking a little desperate.
Abby made a rookie mistake. She sent her representative home too early; you have to maintain that mystery a little longer. Not because there’s anything wrong with being messy or vulnerable, but because it’s always best to offer the sugar before the medicine. It’s just not good business to trot the crazy out before they can appreciate the beauty.
Nonchalance is the new interested. Last week it became clear that these ladies struggled with “casual,” so this week they overcorrected with the most poorly executed exhibit of nonchalance I’ve ever seen. Abby is weirdly distant to Dr. Harris until it seems like he might need to have a hard conversation with her—then he’s choking on her tongue when she throws her face against his.
I’ve never understood the inclination to play small. Maybe I just don’t have it in me to hide how I’m really feeling, or maybe I just have a terrible poker face, but if I have to play nonchalant to get his attention, I’m doomed. For real. I might as well just open a tab at the cat shelter.
Kids and pregnant mistresses are boner killers. Nothing sends a man running for the hills like a tangled mess of drama and complications, especially a man as terminally bland as Dr. Harris. It’s not ideal to host your ex-husband’s ex-girlfriend during her troubling pregnancy, but it’s not prohibitive—and neither is a bratty 7-year-old in desperate need of a haircut.
It is, however, a real douche move for him to break up with her over it.
Good riddance to bad rubbish.
Guilt makes us take a lot of crap. Gordon wouldn’t yell at me or my friends like that more than once. But I guess when you’ve been having a torrid affair with your boss, you feel like you deserve to be treated like crap.
Guess what? You don’t. Delia could have slept with Gordon’s mom, and she still wouldn’t have deserved to be treated that way in front of her friends. Delia, like a lot of us, needs to stand up to the guy, and let Gordon know she won’t have it.
Don’t invest in a pregnancy until you’re sure the baby belongs to you. Okay, so the CW baby never really technically “belonged” to Abby. But she did get (as Jo put it) “all single white mommy” about it. It was weird and little sad to see Abby getting so attached to a child who is three times removed from her own experience. And it’s doubly weird now that we know the CW baby doesn’t even belong to Jake.
It’s tempting to get caught up in the experience of the blended family and being all evolved and modern. But I think that for us divorced folks, boundaries are our friends, and they can keep us from a lot of heartache.
What else did we learn this week?
Girlfriends’ Guide to Divorce airs Tuesdays at 10/9C on Bravo.
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<p>Being the Rolling Stones is a tough job, but someone’s gotta do it. Since the Stones themselves have turned into a joke, we’ll gladly take the Delta 72. Their earlier recordings were inspired by hard-driving ’60s soul, but now with <strong>000</strong> these Philly boys look back to the flamboyantly sweaty boogie Jagger & Co. played at their ’70s peak — and completely rejuvenate it. Though it doesn’t come close to the delirious energy of the band’s shows, <em>000</em> is a shot of put-your-hands-in-the-air party music. <strong>B</strong></p>
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