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'Vanderpump Rules' fan recap: Jax and the great sunglass caper

Season 4 | Episode 13 | “Booze, Booties, and Bail” | Aired Jan 25, 2016

The Vanderpump Rules District Court is in session. Our first case:

Sunglass Store v. Jax.

Defense’s closing statement: Jax was just really drunk, I guess. He saw the sunglasses and he thought, “Hey, I want those,” then took them. Crazy, right?

Women with boyfriends and fiancés v. Lala’s thong bikini.

Defense’s closing statement: Lala is hot. She wants to look hot. No one should care. The boyfriends looking at her also have free will. This distress has caused Lala to appear on camera without makeup (in which she still looks hot, damn it) and cry for her mommy. For protection, Lala will wear the world’s largest earrings.

Scheana v. Stassi.

Can any lawyers inform us if one can sue someone else for taking over as alpha of the squad? Apparently, Scheana showed people a video of a “solo” performance by Stassi. Stassi wants Katie and Kristen back in her corner, because she has broken up with Patrick, the unseen boyfriend. (Please let the record show that Stassi also looks fantastic.)

Vanderpump Rules

Kristen v. her new boyfriend.

Does this new guy, an old friend of Jax’s, have a live-in girlfriend? This will end in a hung jury, because no one cares about Kristen’s dating life.

Never forget:

Vanderpump Rules

 

The ability to “perform” v. James Kennedy.

Defense’s closing arguments: “So I was, like, totally drunk. What do you want me to say? I mean, Lala’s hot, and by coming on this trip, I think she owes it to me to sleep with me.”

Tom Sandoval v. Scheana.

Defense’s closing argument: “I’ll just suck it up and apologize for telling Ariana’s mother that Tom Sandoval is an egotistical manipulator (not like I even know what that means!) because I don’t want to do anything that will ruin my status as the alpha as this pack of wolves. And let the record show that those eyeglasses were on fleek, and not large and comical. I got them at the same store where Lala got her earrings.”

Lack of fiancée sex v. Tom Sandoval.

Defense’s closing statement: “So it’s been eight days since I asked Katie to marry me. Why am I having this dry spell? I mean, LOOK at me. I’m Tom Schwartz—literally the most adorable male model in the world. Look at my purposely floppy hair and puppy-dog face.”

Common sense v. Brittany.

Defense’s closing statements: “I love Jax and he loves me. Despite everyone telling me what a liar and cheater he is, I will only confront it when it is happening right under my nose. Besides, being the girl who gets upset is not what Jax likes, so I’ll play the ‘cool girl’ for now, who appears okay with him cheating. I even find it funny! Hahaha! And, if you get a time machine and go into the future, you can see from his Instagram that we are still together! Wait, what? Now he got arrested? Uh, I really do love him, I really do. He is worth my life savings to bail him out of jail.”

Vanderpump Rules

The State of Honolulu v. the Vanderpump Rules gang.

Closing statements: What? There’s no conflict here. I am super-stoked that the gang came and stayed at a luxury hotel and had dinner and endless drinks, all on the production company’s dime. More money in our pocket. Now, only if we could get another Real World season to happen here.

Warning: I do not actually practice law, so I don’t know if these would be actual cases. Not even sure I am using the right nomenclature. Is is “v.” or “vs.”? Does it even matter?

Late-breaking news! More evidence has been found:

  • Lisa has a large pink flamingo pool float that she lays on when she’s stressed. I would be stressed too, if I let my flesh-and-blood son hang out with the Scooby gang.
  • Beer bongs were used, and it is the law to recognize them as the most obnoxious drinking mechanism.
  • Even Jax can’t help squeeing about how cute Tom Schwartz is.

Hey, aspiring filmmakers: This should make you mad. Apparently the whole gang is hanging out at Sundance right now.

Vanderpump Rules airs Mondays at 9/8C on Bravo.

TV Families | EW.com
Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 AT 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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