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'Hawaii Five-0' fan recap: Chicago Five-0

Season 6 | Episodes 13 | “Umia Ka Hanu” | Aired Jan 22, 2016

I’ve got my bread and milk, and I’m waiting to be snowed into my apartment this weekend, and meanwhile, on Hawaii Five-0, the core four are on a team surf trip. I’m definitely all for more scenes of the team in their swim suits, so I’m not complaining.

The surf trip ends and the team chats and gets dressed (boo), and I am completely distracted watching Danny comb his hair—which he does like an damn artist.

But I haven’t missed much because they’re just talking about how much traffic there is. It’s going to take them forever to get back to HQ, and the team bickers about the quickest route, much like that one episode of How I Met Your Mother.

So they put it to a bet: Steve and Danny are taking the scenic route, and Chin and Kono are taking the back roads. Steve continues his mildly crazy/OOC streak from the last several episodes and forces to Danny to pee in a bottle rather than pulling over and falling behind. There are free wings on the line, after all.

Then, in my favorite scene of the whole episode, we get serious cousin time, which is one of THE BEST things. Kono tells Chin surfing with the guys was just what she needed. It’s been a rough couple months. And we also get some good-natured ribbing about Chibby, which everyone knows about. MORE GIGGLY COUSINS PLEASE.

Hawaii Five-0, "Umia Ka Hanu"

But then Chin gets them lost. They see a parked car and go looking for directions when they find a guy digging a person-sized hole—and he’s got a friend with a gun. This is what they get for trying to take a shortcut.

After forcing them to dig, Captor No. 1 takes Chin to help him carry a dead body from the trunk, and a badge drops out. The dead guy is a cop, and then Captor No. 1 spots the police lights in Chin’s car. Things are going from bad to worse.

Chin and Kono finish digging their very square but very shallow hole—the perfect size for three cops—and are about to get shot by their captors when Steve and Danny come to their rescue. (They went looking when Chin and Kono when they never arrived.) Our core four are safe and sound.

Hawaii Five-0, "Umia Ka Hanu"

But where’s the fifth member of Five-0? Lou is in Chicago losing his damn mind. Remember last season when Lou’s best friend got away with murdering his wife and Lou vowed to make him pay for it? Well that promise is coming to fruition tonight.

Lou breaks into Clay’s house in Chicago, knocks his ex-partner out, and ties him to a chair. It’s an odd use of vacation days, but Lou is a man on a mission.

He demands that Clay confess to killing his wife, and Clay refuses. (And honestly, the confession would have been dismissed anyway. Bad plan, Lou.) So it’s on to plan B: Lou grabs a sledge hammer from the garage. This isn’t Misery, Lou!

Hawaii Five-0, "Umia Ka Hanu"

But the hammer isn’t for Clay; it’s for the walls. Lou doesn’t care what Clay goes away for, as long as he ends up in prison. And Lou remembered a suspicious stash house raid five years ago where a bag of money went missing—and Clay was the primary officer.

During some DIY work, Clay once joked to Lou about putting his poker winnings in a “Break Dry Wall in Case of Emergency” fund, so Lou is convinced the stolen money is hidden somewhere in the walls of the house. So Lou starts swinging.

Unfortunately, Clay’s mistress-turned-girlfriend shows up. Lou has to take her hostage, too. Things are escalating quickly, but Lou tells Leann about his awesome life; would he really risk it all if he wasn’t 100 percent certain Clay was guilty?

Despite his convincing speech, Lou does have doubts. He hasn’t found the money and he’s running out of walls. Could he be wrong? But then Lou sees a photo on the wall and it reminds him of the one place he never looked—Clay’s old banged up car in the garage. Why is it in the garage, when his brand new car is sitting outside in the middle of a Chicago winter?

Lou tears into the side of the car, and there’s the missing money—finally. The money is real, which means Lou is only moderately crazy.

Hawaii Five-0, "Umia Ka Hanu"

Clay offers Lou the money to just walk away, but no thanks, vindication tastes too good. Lou calls in an old friend at the Chicago PD and asks him to send Internal Affairs and some cops over. Clay isn’t getting away with this one.

While I am always impressed with Chi McBride’s dramatic acting and glad that Lou was right about Clay, is this case really going to hold up in court? Regardless of the fact that he found the money, Lou still broke into Clay’s house, assaulted him, held two people hostage, and destroyed their home. Five-0’s immunity doesn’t extend to Illinois, Lou.

What did you think of Lou’s extreme tactics? Did you kind of want Kono and Chin to save themselves? And shouldn’t we all fight for more giggly cousin scenes? It’s been too long.

Hawaii Five-0 airs Fridays at 9/8C on CBS.

TV Families | EW.com
Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 AT 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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