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'General Hospital' fan recap: Love in ruins (and rain)

Season 53 | Episodes 201–205 | Aired Jan 18–22, 2016

It’s hard to remember that for a long time, Dante and Lulu were the stable, if somewhat boring, couple on General Hospital. Now the couple is torn so far asunder, there’s virtually no rooting value left in their relationship. Especially because the character of Dante has become so self-righteous and unlikable. This is a man who forgave his father for shooting him in the chest. Sure, Sonny didn’t know he was Dante’s father at the time, but he shot Dante for being an undercover cop. But here Dante stands, making Lulu out to be a monster.

Sure, Lulu acted irresponsibly, impulsively, and like an idiot. But Dante’s inability to allow his wife the shortest of windows, or at least longer than a day, to move past his sleeping with her cousin is largely his fault. After all, if he and Valerie can blame Lulu’s Canadian expedition for their initial romp, then surely Lulu can hold Dante to the same yardstick?

Lulu is ready to call things even. She’ll own harboring Johnny and collaborating with him to destroy Valerie, even if Johnny is taking all of the legal blame. But Dante is calling it a day on the Falconeri marriage. And while Lulu is currently devastated, this can only be good in the long run (if it sticks), as the only hope for redeeming these wallowing characters is to separate them. On the plus side, while Laura is rocking it in the mom-advice department, hopefully we never have to hear Olivia encourage Lulu to forgive Dante’s affair again.

Of course, Olivia is now embroiled in her own legal battle. You see, Olivia is all about breastfeeding, and just as she is legally allowed, she has no problem feeding Leo at the Metro Court. And Mayor Lomax (now played by Shari Belafonte) is grossed out by it and thinks it should be done in clandestine locations. Both women stand their ground, shrilly, and Olivia ends up handcuffed at PCPD. Julian and Alexis swoop in, with Alexis getting the charges against Olivia dropped, but vowing to sue the city for the incident. If we learned one thing from T.J.’s racial-profiling arrest, it’s that General Hospital should really skip social-commentary stories these days. Then again, we’re also listening to Kristina discuss trying to trade grades for sex with a professor who is still texting her. It seems as though Nina may have a plethora of social issues for her next issue of Crimson.

Sabrina is off in Canada with Carlos, learning that life on the run means not calling your bestie. Meanwhile, Anna learns that Andre is more than her friendly neighborhood shrink; he’s also a WSB profiler. With Robert, the threesome come to the conclusion that the not-dead Carlos and the pregnant Sabrina could only travel by boat or land, and would go somewhere with good medical care. Halifax, here they come. Michael licks his wounds that he didn’t reconcile with Sabrina before she left town, talking about it with anyone who will listen.

Sonny, fresh off a pep talk to Michael, pulls himself up from his wheelchair. And it’s a good thing that Sonny can heal himself, because apparently neurologists are slim pickings in Port Charles now that Dr. Drake has moved west (or to Genoa City). Even Lucas’ recommendation turns out to be little more than a celebrity-seeking doctor, fresh from the Real Housewives of Beechers Corner. In between hating doctors and standing, Sonny even finds time to offer Morgan employment as a stock boy at Corinthos Coffee. Sonny is such a good guy, y’all.

Nikolas’ grand plan to keep control of ELQ while sending Jason to prison for attempted murder comes to a screeching halt, as the adulterous witnesses come forward exonerate Jason. At the same time, Hayden has the ballistics proof she needs, showing that Sean definitely did not shoot her. But since her feelings for Nikolas have grown, she’s resistant to using her evidence to implicate her prince. Nikolas, with his eyes opened by Spencer, is ready to take things further with Hayden, asking her to marry him. But being a con artist is hard on the soul, as Hayden is resistant to continuing the relationship built on lies on blackmail. Or is she lying now? Have viewers learned enough about her yet to figure out when her motives are pure?

While Josslyn may have an obsession with Children of the Corn, it has become obvious that all is not well in Little Jake’s noggin. Oddly enough, the only person who truly seems to be cluing in to this is the reformed sociopath, Franco, who recognizes eeeeeevvvvviiiiiiillllll in Jake’s drawings. Meanwhile, Jake’s fixation on blaming Sam for his parents’ breakup is hitting viewers over the head like a hammer. It takes Sam mere moments of using her P.I. skills to accuse Elizabeth of staging the break-ins. And while Elizabeth has definitely shown a capacity for lying as of late, nothing currently hints at her being guilty of the Great Photo Destruction of 2016. And even though Jake and his crayons are telling a tale of malicious intent, Elizabeth and Jason brush off his false accusations and open hostility toward Sam as unimportant.

Now, who wants to be the one to tell Carly that when an amnesiac had picked a new birthday (based on their previous amnesiac awakening that they no longer recall), it’s pretty much a moot and non-celebratory event? However misguided her attempts may be, Carly does offer a moment of good, sane logic by telling Jason to stop trying to avoid his past and just embrace who he is now. And with the absence of psychiatry or any real effort on his part, it’s a good thing it rains in January in Port Charles (while the rest of the East Coast is getting a real-life blizzard). Because as Sam brings Jason a piece of unbirthday cake, the skies open up and the two are drenched. And for once, Jason has a memory that isn’t a filtered flash, but a tangible, emotional one: Jason remembers dancing in the rain, on a roof, with colored lights—but more important, he recalls how he felt holding the woman he loved.

And for anyone whose memory may also need refreshing …

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The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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aria-label="Posts by Elisabeth Vincentelli" class="author url fn" rel="author">Elisabeth Vincentelli</a></p><p class="article-header__timestamp">Posted on <time datetime="2000-04-14T04:00:00+00:00">April 14, 2000 at 4:00am EDT</time></p> <div class="article-header__share"> <div class="sharedaddy sd-sharing-enabled"><div class="robots-nocontent sd-block sd-social sd-social-icon-text sd-sharing"><div class="sd-content"><ul><li class="share-facebook"><a rel="nofollow" data-shared="sharing-facebook-588800" class="share-facebook sd-button share-icon" href="http://ew.com/article/2000/04/14/000/?share=facebook" target="_blank" title="Share"><span>Share</span></a></li><li class="share-twitter"><a rel="nofollow" data-shared="sharing-twitter-588800" class="share-twitter sd-button share-icon" href="http://ew.com/article/2000/04/14/000/?share=twitter" target="_blank" title="Tweet"><span>Tweet</span></a></li><li class="share-email"><a rel="nofollow" data-shared="" class="share-email sd-button 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<div class="article-body"> <div class="article__letter-grade"><span class="article__letter-grade-shape channel__color--background-color"></span><p aria-label="Letter grade">We gave it a <strong>B</strong></p></div> <div class="article-body__inner"> <div class="triangle-anchor"></div><p>Being the Rolling Stones is a tough job, but someone’s gotta do it. Since the Stones themselves have turned into a joke, we’ll gladly take the Delta 72. Their earlier recordings were inspired by hard-driving ’60s soul, but now with <strong>000</strong> these Philly boys look back to the flamboyantly sweaty boogie Jagger & Co. played at their ’70s peak — and completely rejuvenate it. Though it doesn’t come close to the delirious energy of the band’s shows, <em>000</em> is a shot of put-your-hands-in-the-air party music. <strong>B</strong></p> </div> <div class="article-body__show-full"> <button id="button--show-full" class="channel__color--background-color" type="button">Show Full Article</button> </div> </div> <!-- template: article-footer --> <footer class="article-footer"> <div class="articles-recirculation articles-recirculation--see-also channel__color--border-color"> <!-- template: article-footer-section-title --> <h2 class="article-footer__section-title channel__color--border-color article-footer__section-title--third-party"> <div class="article-footer__section-title-inner-wrap"> <span class="article-footer__section-title-span"> <span class="article-footer__section-title-more article-footer__section-title-more--" data-mobile-title=""> sponsored stories </span> </span> </div> </h2> <div class="ob-widget-wrapper " data-url-fragment="outbrain"> <div 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