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'Tales from the Crypt' nostalia recap: Madame Vorna is always right

Season 2 | Episode 1 | “Dead Right” | Aired April 21, 1990

It’s a new year, and a Tales from the Crypt reboot was just announced under the guidance of M. Night Shyamalan. Whether you dig the news or are bummed by the thought of another rehash, there’s no better time to resume our weekly nostalgia write-ups. And this week, we begin season 2!

tales from the crypt - dead right

Director Howard Deutch returns with another twisted tale of comeuppance. As with “Only Sin Deep,” this story centers on a money-hungry leading lady who’ll do anything if it results in quick riches.

Meet Cathy, deliciously played by an apathetic Demi Moore. Outfitted with an elitist attitude and nonbeliever disclaimer, Cathy goes to see fortune teller Madame Vorna (Natalija Nogulich, Christmas Vacation). It’s Cathy’s lunch break, so the two get right to the telling. No tarot cards—just second sight.

tales from the crypt - dead right

Madame Vorna identifies Cathy as a secretary who’s just working her way to meet Mr. Rich. But Madame Vorna tells Cathy that today she’ll lose her job, and she’ll have another by the end of the day. Skeptical Cathy immediately dismisses the reading. Her boss is out of town, so there’s no way she could get fired.

Wrong! Unbeknownst to Cathy, her boss is back! She unsuspectingly calls him a nasty name and he overhears. But he cans her for taking too long of a lunch break. No worries; she finds a job waitressing upon leaving the office. Madame Vorna was right!

A little spooked, Cathy heads back to the mystic to get more info about what lies ahead. And Madame Vorna provides. She tells Cathy that she sees a great deal of money coming. There’s a wedding—to a man who’s not wealthy at the time of nuptials.

Madame Vorna predicts Cathy’s future husband will die after inheriting a large sum of money. And Cathy is giddy at the thought of being a rich widow. It’s clear Cathy is all about the cash. Love is secondary.

Oh, and one more thing—Cathy will meet this man tonight: “A large man will make his entrance …”

Later that evening, Cathy is waiting tables at her new job at a strip club. Enter Charlie Marno (Jeffrey Tambor, Transparent). Complete with heavy padding and makeup, Tambor is made up to be a very large man indeed.

Be nice, Cathy—Charlie is one of the club’s best customers. She goes to wait on him and he immediately asks her for a date. Moments later, Cathy realizes this is the guy, her future husband.

tales from the crypt - dead right

After a bout of cat-and-mouse courting, Charlie tells Cathy that they’re destined to be together. Repulsed by the mere thought of this man, Cathy returns to Madame Vorna for advice. Yep, he’s the one. But Vorna reassures Cathy that his death will be violent.

To muster up courage, Cathy has lunch with her friend. The two theorize and laugh over the many ways Charlie could die—you know, getting flattened by a truck, choking on food, etc. In the end, Cathy is ready to take the matrimonial plunge.

Back at the strip club, Cathy finally agrees to go on a date with Charlie Marno.

And the wooing begins! They go to the movies; she cringes when he touches her. They get Chinese food; Cathy is appalled by the amount of food Charlie consumes. They go dancing; he steps on her toes. At the end of the evening, Charlie kisses Cathy; she later vomits into the sink. Romance is in the air!

Time passes for the new couple and Charlie is smitten—by what, I’m not so sure. He may be just as shallow as Cathy, truth be told.

Charlie finally pops the question and Cathy accepts—only after learning that her future dead husband has a rich uncle.

Fast-forward to the wedding day—and, more importantly, the wedding night! After spending an eternity in the bathroom, Cathy emerges and the newlyweds consummate their … “love.” It’s awkward for both, but thankfully, we’re given a fantasy sequence featuring the couple dancing to “Cheek to Cheek.”

Time passes again, and a bad marriage is well underway. Cathy cleans, Charlie eats. And so on, and so on.

tales from the crypt - dead right

One night, Cathy denies Charlie some lovemaking—she “has a headache.” Instead, she takes this time to casually ask Charlie about his rich uncle. But Charlie writes off the inquiry because he doesn’t really care about this uncle—who has his own family, after all.

Cathy flips out and heads to Madame Vorna. It’s been three months and Charlie’s still alive; what gives? Cathy says she’s done with it all—Charlie and Madame Vorna. But the fortune teller is as cool and calm as ever: “Vorna is right. Vorna is always right.”

In what appears to be a prosperous turn of events for Cathy, she heads to the grocery store and wins a million dollars as the millionth customer!

Disgustingly captivated by her newfound wealth, Cathy heads home to flaunt it all in Charlie’s face. She’s rude, she calls him names—and she unloads all of her marriage-life unhappiness on him. She’s leaving him. But Charlie is confused—they love each other, right?

Poor Charlie—blinded by Cathy’s beauty. Startled by this disclosure, he decidedly turns to an ol’ standby: “If I can’t have you, nobody can”—and repeatedly stabs his dear wife with a sharp knife. She’s dead.

tales from the crypt - dead right

But Madame Vorna is always right. After inheriting all of Cathy’s new money, Charlie gets the electric chair for killing his wife. Vorna watches this sensational news story on her small TV as a new customer walks through the fortune teller’s door.

Crypt Keeper Final Thought
“Charlie was a cut-up. Still, he wasn’t sad in the end. You see, when Charlie got his just desserts, he requested seconds!”

Fun Facts
Sadly, the Tales from the Crypt reboot will not be bringing back the Crypt Keeper we know and love (as its rights belong to HBO). However, M. Night Shyamalan confirmed on Twitter that there will be a Keeper, notably described as “an old man with a cane, wearing a hood, and keeping warm by a fireplace.”

Notable Quotes
Charlie:
I love married life.
Cathy: It’s rich, isn’t it?

TV Families | EW.com
Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 AT 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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class="author-text"> <a class="bold author-name" href="/author/elisabeth-vincentelli/">Elisabeth Vincentelli</a> <div class="timestamp published-date padding-12-left"> April 14, 2000 AT 04:00 AM EDT </div> </div> </div> <!-- Article Content --> <div id="article-body" class="article content body clearfix"> <div class="padded"> <h3 class="article__creative-work-title">000</h3> <dl id="article__creative-work-info" class="article__creative-work-info"> <dt>type</dt> <dd>Music</dd> <dt>Current Status</dt> <dd>In Season</dd> </dl> <div class="article__letter-grade"> <span class="article__letter-grade-shape channel__color--background-color"></span> <p aria-label="Letter grade">We gave it a <strong>B</strong></p> </div> <p>Being the Rolling Stones is a tough job, but someone’s gotta do it. Since the Stones themselves have turned into a joke, we’ll gladly take the Delta 72. Their earlier recordings were inspired by hard-driving ’60s soul, but now with <strong>000</strong> these Philly boys look back to the flamboyantly sweaty boogie Jagger & Co. played at their ’70s peak — and completely rejuvenate it. Though it doesn’t come close to the delirious energy of the band’s shows, <em>000</em> is a shot of put-your-hands-in-the-air party music. <strong>B</strong></p> </div> </div> <!-- Bottom Recirc --> <div class="bottom-recirc padded-mobile " data-tracking-zone="bottom-recirc" > <div class="component outbrain clearfix " data-action="outbrain-component" data-tracking-zone=outbrain-bottom> <div class="OUTBRAIN " data-src="http://ew.com//article/2000/04/14/000/" data-widget-id="AR_24" data-ob-template="ew" > </div> </div> <div id="ad-728x90_FT_td_1" class="ad ad-container ad-wrapper desktop-ad tablet-ad " data-dimensions="728x90" data-tgxtargeting="%7B%22ft%22%3A%221%22%7D" data-tgxlazy="200" > </div> <div id="ad-300x250_FT_m_1" class="ad ad-container ad-wrapper mobile-ad " data-dimensions="300x250" data-tgxtargeting="%7B%22ft%22%3A%221%22%7D" data-tgxupdatecorrelator="true" data-tgxlazy="200" > </div> <div class="component feed clearfix bottom-recirc" 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