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'General Hospital' fan recap: Hopeless for the holidays

Season 53 | Episodes 180–183 | Aired Dec 14–17, 2015

It’s almost Christmas on General Hospital, which naturally means that happiness is difficult to come by. Let’s take a look at all the profoundly unhappy people roaming Port Charles this holiday season, and try to decide which resident is the unhappiest of all.

Elizabeth: Nobody is this semi–love triangle is feeling the spirit this year. Between two broken engagements (#Liason, #Samtrick) and the unraveling of a lengthy lie, sulking was definitely a main activity for the three this week. Elizabeth had her hands full with Carly taking her to task, but Elizabeth is still sticking by her mantra that it was okay because Sam had moved on with Patrick. Carly thanks Elizabeth for showing her true colors and showing everyone the liar she truly is. Elizabeth counters that she has three heartbroken boys, and Carly points out that Elizabeth has nobody to blame but herself. Defeated, Elizabeth says none of it matters, because Jason has left her (but left behind the shirt she gave him).

In possibly the saddest move of all, Elizabeth finds she has a new ally and friend in Franco. While conveniently seeming to forget that brain-tumor version of Franco kidnapped Aiden, Elizabeth doesn’t immediately jump into bestie status with him. Franco offers a sympathetic ear as a fellow town pariah, and actually convinces Elizabeth to accompany him to the Nutcracker Gala.

Sam: Sam’s sadness is centered on having ended things with Patrick. While Sam knows the mutual decision was the correct one, it certainly wasn’t how she expected to spend Christmas. When Sam tries to drop a present off at GH for Patrick, she finds the good doctor has left town, but Elizabeth is there for another round of taking jabs. Elizabeth blasts an incredulous Sam for blowing up everyone’s lives (with the truth). Sam thinks Elizabeth is just a lying bitch and a selfish hypocrite. But Elizabeth isn’t done yet, getting in digs about Patrick heading to Paris and hoping that he and Robin are reconciling, as she always loved them together. Sam holds herself together, avoiding the truly easy potshots, and plans to spend the evening curled up on her mother’s couch. But Alexis’ forgotten gala donation sends her scurrying (while underdressed) to the Nutcracker Gala.

Jason: Jason’s sadness is tempered by his anger, as he lands an epic punch on a deserving Nikolas’ face. By the evening of the gala, Jason has made his way to the home of all Port Charles strays, the Metro Court. Carly swoops in and secures room 749 for Jason, and offers up her friendship services. In rare Carly form, she refuses to tell Jason who he should be now, saying he needs to figure things out for himself. They share a few shots of scotch, where Carly does point out that his natural instincts have served him well in the long run. Against his initial judgment, Carly gussies him up in a tuxedo and readies him for the gala, making Monica beam from ear to ear. Of course, before the evening begins, Jason finds himself in the bar, faced with Sam and Elizabeth.

Sonny: Sonny still can’t walk, but his arms have never been in better shape. It’s bumming him out.

Morgan: Morgan swears to Kiki that he didn’t miss a dose of his meds, having obtained the left-behind pills from his doctor. But his behavior is clearly not stabilized, since he flies off the handle at his concerned parents. It remains to be seen if Morgan’s meds just haven’t kicked in, if it’s the wrong treatment, or if he’s blatantly flushing his pills. But his surly demeanor and impetuous actions don’t read as stabilized.

Kiki: It seems as though Kiki can’t go five minutes in town without bumping into her estranged mother. The lather, rinse, repeat cycle of Ava begging her daughter to make amends is getting tiresome, so Ava ups the game, playing the Avery card and asking Kiki to help make Christmas special for her little sister. Kiki sees through the emotional blackmail (her words), but has Ava worn down her daughter’s defenses enough for the family to reunite?

Tracy: Tracy is currently happy, but it’s not bound to last, as her track record of selecting horrible paramours (Luke, Anthony, Joe) continues. After singing Paul’s praises, Tracy selects him to be the keynote speaker at the gala, and Monica gives her the stink eye for being smitten with her ex. Paul continues to snow Tracy, even to the point of earning a kiss. What Tracy doesn’t see is Paul’s booty call text from Ava, whom Paul brazenly lists in his phone contacts under her actual name. What Tracy does see is the sexy pink and black lingerie Ava has purchased, so here’s to wondering how long it will be before those accidentally end up in Paul’s coat pocket or something.

Lulu: Lulu is teetering between sad and furious, depending on who is doing the asking. With Laura, she vows that she is taking the reasonable high road, prompting a guffaw from her mother, who knows her daughter better than that. Rather than focusing on her keeping-his-pants-zipped-challenged wayward husband, Lulu and Johnny continue their plan to mess with Valerie. Lulu doesn’t know the specifics, but somehow it involves Johnny fixing a stranded Valerie’s car and being nice to her.

Alexis: Alexis is very miffed that Olivia can’t figure out that co-parenting doesn’t mean honing in on the other parent’s life. Between Thanksgiving and ugly Christmas sweaters, Olivia is attaching herself as a third wheel to the relationship of Julian and Alexis. Alexis tries to set boundaries, but Olivia surmises that Alexis is just trying to put her in her place. When did Olivia become so completely insufferable?

Sabrina: Sabrina isn’t sad so much as completely desperate. Michael, with sincere concern, queries Dr. Lee about the baby’s size, but still hasn’t questioned the timeline. Dr. Lee is sympathetic to his concerns, noting Sabrina’s difficult pregnancy history. Which really isn’t a thing, as the premature labor with Gabriel was due to being run off the road, not a medical condition. But Dr. Lee plays along with Sabrina’s vague answers, noting that Sabrina didn’t clear Michael for access to her medical records. But won’t Michael be suspicious when Sabrina gives birth to an eight-pound baby a month early? After some money and a threat, Carlos tells Paul he’ll leave town, but vows to be in his baby’s life.

Robin: Despite Robin’s pleas that she’s about to create immortality by being able to put a person’s livelihood into a computer file (seriously), Jerry has decided Robin has outlived her usefulness. Robin tries to bond with her would-be assassin, Manrico, over opera, but seemingly to no avail, as he pulls her out of the lab to meet her demise.

However, Patrick and Emma quickly learn that Robin’s Paris address is fake, and Emma supplies her father with the Cassadine connection (the fake address owner’s necklace). Patrick pulls Anna away from her Carlos-Sloane-Paul sleuthing and the two meet up in Greece, while an offscreen Felicia tends to Emma in Paris. Once there, both acknowledge that Robin’s PTSD story was a cover and that they failed to see through it. Like magic, Robert Scorpio returns to our screens and fills them in on Robin’s captive situation on Cassadine Island. And for further magic, Robin’s guard allows her to call Patrick to say goodbye. Robin tells him goodbye and that’s she heading to Elysium, which Anna knows is another word for heaven. With quick haste, the trio make their way to Robin’s lab (thanks to Robert’s WSB technology), but find only Jerry, declaring Robin dead.

Just as heads up, the episode for Friday, December 18, didn’t air and is being pushed to Monday. With that, we’ll get four new episodes next week, instead of the scheduled three!

TV Families

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The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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Remember, this is going to just be a reference not a copy. window.peopleAdMappings['header-cm-ad']['peopleAdheadercmad'] = window.peopleAdMappings['peopleAdheadercmad']; window.peopleAdMappings['_renderedAds']['peopleAdheadercmad'] = window.peopleAdMappings['peopleAdheadercmad']; // POS Groups information. </script> </div> <!-- /.header-cm-ad --> </span> </div> </header><!-- #masthead --> <div id="people-time-health-banner"><div id="ad-time-health"></div></div> <div id="site__content" class="site__content"> <main role="main"> <article id="post-588800" class="article-single post-588800 post type-post status-publish format-standard hentry category-article category-music creative-work-11730"> <header class="article-header"> <h2 class="article-header__subchannel channel__color--color"><a class="channel__color--color" href="/article/">Article</a></h2><h1 class="article-header__title">000</h1><p class="article-header__byline"><a href="http://ew.com/author/elisabeth-vincentelli/" aria-label="Posts by Elisabeth Vincentelli" class="author url fn" rel="author">Elisabeth Vincentelli</a></p><p class="article-header__timestamp">Posted on <time datetime="2000-04-14T04:00:00+00:00">April 14, 2000 at 4:00am EDT</time></p> <div class="article-header__share"> <div class="sharedaddy sd-sharing-enabled"><div class="robots-nocontent sd-block sd-social sd-social-icon-text sd-sharing"><div class="sd-content"><ul><li class="share-facebook"><a rel="nofollow" data-shared="sharing-facebook-588800" class="share-facebook sd-button share-icon" href="http://ew.com/article/2000/04/14/000/?share=facebook" target="_blank" title="Share"><span>Share</span></a></li><li class="share-twitter"><a rel="nofollow" data-shared="sharing-twitter-588800" class="share-twitter sd-button share-icon" href="http://ew.com/article/2000/04/14/000/?share=twitter" target="_blank" title="Tweet"><span>Tweet</span></a></li><li class="share-email"><a rel="nofollow" data-shared="" class="share-email sd-button 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<div class="article-body"> <div class="article__letter-grade"><span class="article__letter-grade-shape channel__color--background-color"></span><p aria-label="Letter grade">We gave it a <strong>B</strong></p></div> <div class="article-body__inner"> <div class="triangle-anchor"></div><p>Being the Rolling Stones is a tough job, but someone’s gotta do it. Since the Stones themselves have turned into a joke, we’ll gladly take the Delta 72. Their earlier recordings were inspired by hard-driving ’60s soul, but now with <strong>000</strong> these Philly boys look back to the flamboyantly sweaty boogie Jagger & Co. played at their ’70s peak — and completely rejuvenate it. 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