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19 more signs that you are watching a Hallmark Christmas movie

Last year around this time, I shared all 29 signs that you’re watching a Hallmark Christmas movie with you. In the time that’s passed since then, I’ve watched every new Countdown to Christmas movie that’s aired this year, plus a smattering of new fare from Lifetime and Ion (who should not be forgotten at this festive time of year). Plus I’ve rewatched some TV Christmas-movie classics and listened to “All I Want for Christmas Is You” approximately one million times.

These countless hours of research and immersion into Christmas culture have led me to bring you this second (closer to definitive) list: 19 more signs that you’re watching a Hallmark Christmas movie. Because one list isn’t enough to capture the tropes that Hallmark utilizes with such skill every single year. It’s an art form and it should be appreciated, and that’s why I’m here. (Also, I’m waiting for Hallmark to offer me a writing gig.)

1. A job in media
For whatever reason, Hallmark associates Christmas with jobs working for newspapers, magazines, and advertising firms. It’s a thing.

"Merry Matrimony," part of Countdown to Christmas on Hallmark Channel

2. Takes place in Fake New York
Hallmark’s idyllic version of New York differs wildly from the actual Big Apple. For those who aren’t familiar with the real NYC, no one’s apartment is that big and no one has a car.

3. Parents’ pressure to date
We’ve all been there, but nowhere is a parent’s pressure to “find someone special” or “settle down” more extreme than within the confines of a Hallmark holiday film, because no one should be alone at Christmas. WE GET IT, MOM.

4. Local coffee shop
Pick up a hot chocolate or Christmas-themed drink (no controversial cups here!), or interrupt the local Grinch during their morning coffee run. The protagonist is probably friendly with (or dating) the owner, and they probably get slipped extra treats just because. This is also a great place to catch up on girl talk with the BFF or sister, or experience a meet-cute. Sometimes you wanna go where everybody knows your name, you know?

"Karen Kingsbury

5. Work holiday party
The perfect place to hit it off with the office crush (or the irritating coworker who becomes the office crush)! Also, great opportunity for a dressing-room montage, which is also a plus.

6. Weird family Christmas tradition
On Hallmark, it’s not enough to open one gift on Christmas Eve or get matching family pajamas. No, some of these families have serious traditions, and they are … odd. One Hallmark family will not decorate their tree until Christmas Eve (which seems like a waste of time), and another leaves their Christmas tree outside (in which case, it’s just a tree???). They all make me question everything.

7. Crafting homemade Christmas decorations
This often ties into the decorating montage. Making homemade ornaments, paper chains, and popcorn strands is a fun family activity. Making gift boxes for a Secret Santa is sweet. Carving creepy-AF wooden angels for someone you barely know is a little weird.

"Angel of Christmas," part of Countdown to Christmas on Hallmark Channel

8. The infamous ex
A distant cousin of “Christmas hasn’t been the same since _____ died,” the ex who ruined Christmas and broke our main character’s heart is usually never seen on screen, just referred to vaguely and contemptuously by their first name only.

9. Christmas” is in the title
Some of them say “holiday” instead, so this definitely isn’t cheating. (It’s my list; I make the rules.)

10. Secret royalty
A popular theme this year was finding out the rando our protagonist just met is actually royalty in a small country somewhere vaguely in Europe. But they learn to love the real them before discovering their royal identity.

"Once Upon a Holiday," part of Countdown to Christmas on Hallmark Channel

11. Struggling artists
Photographer, writer, painter, actress, dancer. You name it, a Hallmark protagonist is trying to make it to the top, without losing their artistic integrity.

12. Folgers or Walmart product placement
These two companies bring us Countdown to Christmas each year, and for that, I am grateful. So, as long as you keep forking over the cash, Folgers and Walmart, I will deal with conspicuously placed coffee cans and shopping bags. Besides, it is the best part of waking up.

13. Visiting an alternate universe
Christmas is (apparently) a time to ask yourself what your life would have been like if you had chosen love over your dream job, or vice versa. And thanks to Christmas magic, Hallmark protagonists can find out the answer with the help of a magic key, a street-side Santa, or William Shatner.

William Shatner in "Just in Time for Christmas," part of Countdown to Christmas on Hallmark Channel

14. “Up north”
A frequently used euphemism for the North Pole when Santa is trying to stay on the DL. Or sometimes they just say “Canada,” because why not?

15. Hanging out with an old person or a child
This is often a beloved grandparent or spoiled niece or nephew, but sometimes it’s just a nice old magician or the princess you’re nannying.

16. Charity work
Tis the season for giving—at soup kitchens, homeless shelters, churches, and especially children’s hospitals. And the couple that gives together, stays together.

"On the Twelfth Day of Christmas," part of Countdown to Christmas on Hallmark Channel

17. The family business
So many entrepreneurs on Hallmark channel! And so many kids who just don’t want to walk in their father’s footsteps. Follow your dreams, Hallmark protagonists.

18. Reuniting with a long-lost love
This reunion usually takes place during a hometown visit around the holidays, or it could be falsely advertised and take place in Christmas 2016.

19. The Hallmark veteran
These heroes hold down the fort, usually appearing in a new movie every year. Countdown to Christmas wouldn’t be the same without their familiar faces. Recent vets include Candace Cameron Bure, Katrina Law, Sara Lancaster, Paul Campbell, and of course, the Queen of Hallmark, Lacey Chabert.

Lacey Chabert in "A Family for Christmas," on Hallmark Channel

Have I finally covered everything? No, probably not. I have a feeling “Set in the Pacific Northwest” will make next year’s list. (Portland is having a moment, let me tell you.) But as long as Hallmark is churning out the Christmas classics, I’ll be on my couch and keeping a checklist.

Which has been your favorite Countdown to Christmas movie so far? What’s the cheesiest line you’ve heard in a Christmas movie this year? Can you think of any tropes I’ve forgotten?

New movies air every Saturday and Sunday at 8/7c on the Hallmark Channel.

TV Families

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TV Families

TV Families — We compare various television clans through the years to see how they stack up, from ”The Brady Bunch” to ”The Flintstones”

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The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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is going to just be a reference not a copy. window.peopleAdMappings['header-cm-ad']['peopleAdheadercmad'] = window.peopleAdMappings['peopleAdheadercmad']; window.peopleAdMappings['_renderedAds']['peopleAdheadercmad'] = window.peopleAdMappings['peopleAdheadercmad']; // POS Groups information. </script> </div> <!-- /.header-cm-ad --> </div> </nav> <span class="site-header__nav--ad__cm"> <div class="ad ad-processed" id="peopleAdheadercmad_223x92"> <script style="display:none;visibility:hidden;"> window.peopleAdMappings = window.peopleAdMappings || {}; peopleAdMappings['peopleAdheadercmad_223x92'] = {"collapse":true,"id":"peopleAdheadercmad_223x92","oop":false,"companion":false,"size":[223,92],"pos_group_name":"header-cm-ad_223x92","sitename":"cm.enw","zone":"music","targeting":{"cmpos":["globalheader"],"cmtyp":["tout"],"pos":1,"pos_group_name":"header-cm-ad_223x92","adLoadMethod":"page"},"sizes":[[[1024,0],[[223,92]]]],"ad_name":"header-cm-ad_223x92"};; // Init defaults window.time_dfp = 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/.header-cm-ad_223x92 --> </span> </div> </header><!-- #masthead --> <div id="people-time-health-banner"><div id="ad-time-health"></div></div> <div id="site__content" class="site__content"> <main role="main"> <article id="post-588800" class="article-single post-588800 post type-post status-publish format-standard hentry category-article category-music creative-work-11730"> <header class="article-header"> <h2 class="article-header__subchannel channel__color--color"><a class="channel__color--color" href="/article/">Article</a></h2><h1 class="article-header__title">000</h1><p class="article-header__byline"><a href="http://ew.com/author/elisabeth-vincentelli/" aria-label="Posts by Elisabeth Vincentelli" class="author url fn" rel="author">Elisabeth Vincentelli</a></p><p class="article-header__timestamp">Posted on <time datetime="2000-04-14T04:00:00+00:00">April 14, 2000 at 4:00am EDT</time></p> <div class="article-header__share"> <div class="sharedaddy sd-sharing-enabled"><div class="robots-nocontent sd-block sd-social sd-social-icon-text sd-sharing"><div class="sd-content"><ul><li class="share-facebook"><a rel="nofollow" data-shared="sharing-facebook-588800" class="share-facebook sd-button share-icon" href="http://ew.com/article/2000/04/14/000/?share=facebook" target="_blank" title="Share"><span>Share</span></a></li><li class="share-twitter"><a rel="nofollow" data-shared="sharing-twitter-588800" class="share-twitter sd-button share-icon" href="http://ew.com/article/2000/04/14/000/?share=twitter" target="_blank" title="Tweet"><span>Tweet</span></a></li><li class="share-email"><a rel="nofollow" data-shared="" class="share-email sd-button share-icon" href="http://ew.com/article/2000/04/14/000/?share=email" target="_blank" title="Email"><span>Email</span></a></li><li class="share-end"></li></ul></div></div></div> </div> </header> <div class="ad ad--headline-sibling"> <!-- Advertisement; 300x250 / 300x600 Flex Ad Unit --> <div class="ad ad-processed" id="peopleAdhp_300x250"> <script style="display:none;visibility:hidden;"> window.peopleAdMappings = window.peopleAdMappings || {}; peopleAdMappings['peopleAdhp_300x250'] = {"collapse":true,"id":"peopleAdhp_300x250","oop":false,"companion":false,"size":[300,250],"pos_group_name":"hp_300x250","zone":"music","sizes":[[[1024,0],[[300,250],[300,600]]],[[601,0],[[300,250],[300,600]]],[[0,0],[[300,250]]]],"ad_name":"hp_300x250","targeting":{"pos":1,"pos_group_name":"hp_300x250","adLoadMethod":"page"}};; // Init defaults window.time_dfp = window.time_dfp || []; window.peopleAdMappings['_renderedAds'] = window.peopleAdMappings['_renderedAds'] || {}; window.time_dfp.push( function() { time_dfp.defineSlot(window.peopleAdMappings['peopleAdhp_300x250'])}); if ( 'undefined' === typeof window.peopleAdMappings['hp_300x250'] || 'undefined' === typeof window.peopleAdMappings['hp_300x250']['default'] ) { window.peopleAdMappings['hp_300x250'] = {}; // Remember, this is going to just be a reference not a copy. window.peopleAdMappings['hp_300x250']['default'] = window.peopleAdMappings['peopleAdhp_300x250']; }; // Remember, this is going to just be a reference not a copy. window.peopleAdMappings['hp_300x250']['peopleAdhp_300x250'] = window.peopleAdMappings['peopleAdhp_300x250']; window.peopleAdMappings['_renderedAds']['peopleAdhp_300x250'] = window.peopleAdMappings['peopleAdhp_300x250']; // POS Groups information. </script> </div> </div> <div class="article-single__content"> <h3 class="article__creative-work-title">000</h3> <dl id="article__creative-work-info" class="article__creative-work-info"> <dt>type:</dt> <dd>Music</dd> <dt>Current Status:</dt> <dd>In Season</dd> </dl> <div class="article-body"> <div class="article__letter-grade"><span class="article__letter-grade-shape channel__color--background-color"></span><p aria-label="Letter grade">We gave it a <strong>B</strong></p></div> <div class="article-body__inner"> <div class="triangle-anchor"></div><p>Being the Rolling Stones is a tough job, but someone’s gotta do it. Since the Stones themselves have turned into a joke, we’ll gladly take the Delta 72. Their earlier recordings were inspired by hard-driving ’60s soul, but now with <strong>000</strong> these Philly boys look back to the flamboyantly sweaty boogie Jagger & Co. played at their ’70s peak — and completely rejuvenate it. Though it doesn’t come close to the delirious energy of the band’s shows, <em>000</em> is a shot of put-your-hands-in-the-air party music. <strong>B</strong></p> </div> <div class="article-body__show-full"> <button id="button--show-full" class="channel__color--background-color" type="button">Show Full Article</button> </div> </div> <!-- template: article-footer --> <footer class="article-footer"> <div class="articles-recirculation articles-recirculation--see-also channel__color--border-color"> <!-- template: article-footer-section-title --> <h2 class="article-footer__section-title channel__color--border-color article-footer__section-title--third-party"> <div class="article-footer__section-title-inner-wrap"> <span class="article-footer__section-title-span"> <span class="article-footer__section-title-more article-footer__section-title-more--" data-mobile-title=""> sponsored stories </span> </span> </div> </h2> <div class="ob-widget-wrapper " data-url-fragment="outbrain"> <div 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