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'Girlfriends' Guide to Divorce' is a delicious abomination

Season 2 | Episode 2 | “Rule #77: Don’t Blow the Bubble” | Aired Dec 8, 2015

Just like the cruffinnookie, Girlfriends’ Guide to Divorce is indeed, a delicious abomination.

Each character swings wildly between being a total caricature and completely relatable. The show’s hybridization of the Housewives aesthetic with fourth-wave feminism makes it the guilty pleasure you don’t feel so guilty about.

The early votes are in, and it seems like Abby is kind of an asshole. And I mean that in the best way possible. When the writers started nudging Jake and Abby back to each other, I begrudgingly got on board, because I’m no homewrecker. But the clingier Jake gets and the more Abby starts feeling herself, the less I want them to rekindle, and the more I want Abby to really find her divorce stride. If that means looking like an a–hole, then so be it.

All the sneaking around that Jake and Abby have to do is not as mysterious as it should be, and Abby’s excuse for keeping it secret because of work is downright gross. She seems smarmy as she dodges the paparazzi outside their rendezvous spot, and then sort of pathetic when she realizes it is for an actual Housewife, Shannon Beador (who’s not as good an actor as she is a housewife).

Jake and Abby plotting to contain the Zoe oversight is equally yuck, as one of them insists that they ask her to lie and the other panics at the thought of coming clean. Abby is pretty great at being divorced, and she can’t let Zoe cramp her new divorce style. Afterall, she’s the sexy face (of divorce), and once her cover is blown, she’s just some dumb ol’ married lady.

That’s why I think it’s so interesting that she’s kind of being an asshole. She doesn’t even realize how badly Jake deserves it from her; she’s just trying to Stella her way back into her groove, and Jake is no good to her as her husband. She is only willing to pay sexy-face for divorce talk, and apparently there’s no real need for to Abby to be smart … just pretty.

Speaking of pretty and (sort of) smart, Phoebe gets more attention for her contribution to the school newsletter, which apparently is now being called an “editorial.” One of the other moms invites her to come speak in her economics class about child labor. This is a pretty cool opportunity for her, but I have to ask, “What the hell does Phoebe know about economics?”

Phoebe and Marco on Girlfriends

Marco is thinking the same thing, but just says it in a much meaner and more alcoholic way. He stumbles into Phoebe’s room after a daylong binge and proceeds to act sloppy and out of sorts. This presents a crossroads for us viewers: Root for them to make it through his relapse, or send him packing? They don’t make it easy on us with those abs and that sexy man-bun.

He solves the problem for us anyway and breaks up with Phoebe. It’s a bummer, too, because who knew he had a body like that?

Jo’s opening comes and goes, and all of a sudden she’s not interested in a vegan bakery. Now she wants to offer real-butter treats because her hipster-philosopher chef says that change is good. That’s really all it takes, apparently, to completely abandon a business model and go in the exact opposite direction. In case you didn’t get the very obvious metaphor, the butter is Jo’s life.

Jo on Girlfriends

High on her new outlook on life, she agrees to move out of Abby’s house, but only because she thinks Abby and Jake are back together. What starts out as a sweet moment between Jo and Abby in the back of Rize, the now not-so-vegan-bakery, turns into a come-to-Jesus meeting for Abby when Jo calls her out for being, well, an a–hole.

Here’s where I’m conflicted. On the one hand, if there ever was a time to be a selfish a–hole, divorce is the time. But Jo is right in some way: It kind of is the Abby show, and she really does have to pretend to be something she’s not.

Delia on Girlfriends

Not Delia, though. She’s not even pretending to be interested in her wedding, and the harder the writers push Gordon as the groomzilla, the less I like him as a character. Come on, GG2D, give him a split personality or a secret family or at least some kind of disease (amnesia, maybe?). Anything but this.

Now that Abby is for real broken up with Jake (maybe), I want to see way more “sexy divorce face,” and far less of Becca’s “about to have a baby” face.


Girlfriends’ Guide to Divorce airs Tuesdays at 10/9C on Bravo.

TV Families | EW.com
Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 AT 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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