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'Quantico': Stretching the story too far?

Season 1 | Episode 10 | “Quantico” | Aired Dec 6, 2015

The Quantico winter finale is next week, and already this mystery feels long in the tooth. Must we really wade through 12 more episodes before learning the truth? This season would’ve held stronger at 10 or 13, rather than drawing it out like Christmas before Halloween. (Those damn elves on the shelves are freaky enough, without their spying eyes following for two months!) Okay, let’s get serious, shall we?

Quantico … is boring me.

For real. In this self-titled episode, we uncover some secrets. Question is: Do they matter? Do we care? When it comes to impact and importance, many are as deep as Donald Trump’s EQ. Lately, the show seems full of filler and fluff. They’re extending the story, pulling at it like silly putty or Stretch Armstrong, but it’s superficial and inane. If they stall and stammer too much, they’re apt to lose viewers. That said, let’s take a look at the secrets of Quantico and examine their relevance.

Simon’s Secret No. 1
Each class vets the next group of incoming NATs. During this process “Meanah” learns that Simon was almost passed over for being a war criminal. To call him such is a stretch. In actuality, he was a soldier, a translator, who was ordered to lure women into an interrogation about their husbands. To say things did not go well for those women would be an understatement, and Simon was horrified to learn the truth of their fate. He still carries that guilt. Fellow soldier Booth defends Simon, but ultimately the bespectacled trainee is booted from Quantico—not because of his military mishaps under another government (the FBI already knew that), or because he reported a fellow agent, ultimately letting a serial killer out of prison (an unpopular, but still not impeachable choice), but because it came out that he attacked Booth in the first few weeks of boot camp. (For serious?)
Do we care? Not really. Only because it leads to him getting kicked out. The content of the secret holds very little weight, other than letting us see Simon’s remorse, but it does show that Nimah should be upgraded from “Meanah” to Bitchah. Do not get on that girl’s bad side, I tell you.

Natalie’s Secret
No question, Natalie is the least-liked NAT, but the woman loves her daughter and will go to any lengths to protect her—even faking a scar to convince a judge that her husband assaulted her. The abuse was real but there was no proof, so Natalie ensured her child’s safety with the help of prosthetics.
Do we care? Nope. The secret has no bearing on the case, but does paint Natalie in a slightly better light. Still don’t like her.

Shelby’s Sister’s Secret
Caleb proves that Shelby’s sister isn’t who she says she is—she’s a con woman milking her for major moola. Ouch!
Do we care? Yeah, this could be added motive for Shelby.

Ryan’s Secret
He finally tells everyone he is Special Agent Ryan Booth.
Do we care? Huh uh. Although it brings us to the sweet moment where he and Alex say “good-bye” and “I love you.” (Kinda.) Does anyone else worry that he’s too far above reproach, though? So far not a single thing has pointed to him and that scares me more than anything. (Please don’t be Booth, please don’t be Booth!)

Alex’s Secret
She was persuaded to spy on her own team and got caught red-handed.
Do we care? Absolutely, because she just lost everything and everyone. And who suggested she do such a stupid thing? Miranda. Hmm …

Simon’s Secret No. 2
He planned the bombing as a political act to start peace talks.
Do we care? Yes, as it likely takes Simon off the suspect list. But it makes me furious with him for enabling the real terrorist with his blueprint. Miranda was right, get some anger-management skills already.

Elias’s Secret
Dude has chloroform and kidnaps people!
Do we care? Well, yeah! Why is he nabbing Simon off his front porch? We knew he had to be more involved, but is he one of the bad guys?

What did you think of the secrets revealed? Are we any closer to learning the truth? Does it seem like they’re dragging things out? Share your thoughts and theories below.

Quantico airs Sundays at 10/9C on ABC.

TV Families | EW.com
Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 AT 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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