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3 reasons 'Frosty the Snowman' is the only 'Frosty' tale that counts

Frosty the Snowman is such a classic animated story that, when put in a competition with the other seminal holiday classic, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, it’s hard to pick a favorite.

But try putting Frosty in a competition with its siblings, Frosty’s Winter Wonderland and Rudolph and Frosty’s Christmas in July. The outcome will be completely different; the original Frosty will win every time. Why, you might ask? The simple answer is just that’s better, but if you want it broken down, here are three very specific reasons.

1. The storyline.
The story for Frosty the Snowman is straightforward; the kids have to save Frosty from melting by getting him to the North Pole before the magician can get his magical hat back, effectively killing Frosty. I get it. But Frosty’s Winter Wonderland is about what, exactly? Frosty’s lonely, so we have to see him create a family, Adam and Eve style; but was anyone clamoring to see Frosty get married? Is that a story worth telling? Is that a story people will get excited about? If we’re using modern-day terminology, it seems like Frosty’s Winter Wonderland is more like fanfiction than it is a true sequel, even though it’s written by the same person who wrote the original Frosty, Roman Muller. This was not Muller’s best work.

Let’s also not forget that not only is Frosty married, but he’s married by a parson, no less. A parson. A parson also aptly named “Parson Brown,” because the song “Winter Wonderland” had to be shoehorned into the film during the marriage scene. Sidebar: Were there Westboro Church–esque radical groups in this town, opposing the sanctity of a snowperson marriage? Or is it okay because it’s a snowman and a snowwoman getting married? What would happen if it was Frosty and Chris instead of Frosty and Crystal? Perhaps that would be the beginning of a sequel to Frosty’s Winter Wonderland. Frosty’s Winter Divorce and Civil Rights Battle, featuring a Frosty who, after falling out of love with his wife, finds solace in Santa’s other snowman helper, Chris, and gets Santa to help with his divorce. But will Parson Brown and certain members of the town be the obstacle between Frosty and Chris’s happiness? Someone write that movie.

2. Snow kids.
After we’ve gotten over the absurdity of snow marriage, we still have to get over the hurdle of snow kids. SNOW KIDS. We’re asked to accept the reality of snow procreation in Rudolph and Frosty’s Christmas in July. By this time in 1979, Rankin/Bass had two dials; either they were on fire with great classics (and depressing messages like the film that will be discussed in the third section below) or they made you wonder just what people were thinking when they decided to throw any and all elements of craziness to the wall. In Rudolph and Frosty’s Winter Wonderland, Frosty and Rudolph are trying to save some poor soul’s marriage by rescuing his fiancé’s mother’s dying circus (why did everything become about marriage in these Frosty stories?!), facing off against villain Sam Spangles, who the Christmas Specials Wikia hilariously calls “an evil carney,” and the deaths of Frosty and his family in the summer sun (they get resurrected, so it’s whatever).

In any case, after we’ve gotten over the absurdity of snow marriage, we still have to get over the hurdle of snow kids. SNOW KIDS. I suppose if we’re supposed to just accept the sanctity of snow marriage, then we have to accept the idea of snow kids, but again I ask: Did anyone ask to see Frosty as a father? He’s a magical snowman, for Pete’s sake! He’s just supposed to be a symbol of Christmas and winter, of good cheer and the magic of the season. He wasn’t created to become a regular human being with human issues such as having a wife and kids! He’s like Peter Pan; a being that brightens the lives of children! (Although on second thought, Peter Pan is up for debate; he seemed to have a knack for making children’s lives worse. Psychoanalyzing him is worthy of its own post.)

In any case, now that there are snow children, this opens up a whole world of problems. Personally, I’ve always lived in neighborhoods in which older people were more populous than children my own age, but for quite a few families with kids, they like moving to neighborhoods with tons of kids, so their kids can have someone to play with. What happens when Frosty and Crystal’s kids start getting lonely? Will Frosty and Crystal create more kids? If so, will those kids be their kids too, or will those kids want parents of their own? If parents for those kids are created, then what if those parents want friends for their kids aside from Frosty’s kids? And, will those parents consider Frosty and Crystal their neighbors and friends, or their parents and creators since Frosty and Crystal molded them in their image? Soon, there would be a society of snowpeople Frosty and Crystal would have created, a society in which they would be the god-like rulers. Frosty and Crystal would be worshiped as deities and lore would be written about them in the snowpeople’s religious texts. To use Planet of the Apes terms, Frosty would be the Caesar of his kind, becoming the Lawgiver for his people. All this because 1) he wanted his kids to have friends and 2) because he has kids, period.

But let’s say none of this happens and the kids just want to grow up. What then? Will they be allowed to reshape themselves into older versions of themselves? Or will they be like poor Claudia from Interview with the Vampire and, having been “born” in one form, will never be allowed to grow out of it? Will they come to resent their parents just as Claudia came to hate Lestat and Louis? Will they have any concept of growing up? Consequently, will Frosty and Crystal grow older? Will they want to see their kids grow up into snow-adults like them?

Basically, having snow kids goes against the laws of nature. Snow marriage is already something weird to behold (and something Frosty’s Winter Wonderland narrator Andy Griffith should never have to be a part of), but snow kids? That’s just a bridge too far.

Speaking of Andy Griffith:

3. Poor usage of Andy Griffith.
Fred Astaire got to narrate the always great Santa Claus Is Coming to Town. Jimmy Durante, whose “singing” and “acting” talents have always been questionable, got to narrate Frosty the Snowman (this was also his final performance in a film, so despite all of my criticism, let peace be with him.) But Andy Griffith, who has more than paid his dues with the classic Andy Griffith Show and his underrated movie career (including the amazing film A Face in the Crowd), got one of the lesser Rankin/Bass productions, and a strange sequel to an already-resolved story, no less? Griffith deserved better than this.

I would have rather have Griffith’s soothing homespun voice in the most depressing and poignant of Rankin/Bass productions, Jack Frost. Jack (voiced by Mad Men‘s Robert Morse, better known then for his role in How to Succeed in Business without Really Trying) tries to pull an Ariel by striking a deal with Father Winter to go down to earth as a human to win the heart of a human girl. But the doggone lady is already taken with the local knight of the town! Jack can’t get through to his lady due to the knight’s dashing good looks and full head of coiffed hair. After his time limit as a human expires, he has to go back to the winter sprite world as a shell of his former self, his heart eternally broken in two. Couldn’t we have had Griffith explaining life’s hardships to us just as he would have to Opie? I needed a Grifitth heart-to-heart after seeing the hero not get the girl in the end, because we all see ourselves as Jack, the regular person, trying to battle the handsome knights of the world to win the hearts of the people we love.

But, perhaps you like Frosty’s Winter Wonderland. Maybe you think I’m full of crock for hating on it. Whether you agree or not, sound off below! I’m sure there are tons of you out there who are just as passionate about Rankin/Bass Christmas specials as I am.

TV Families | EW.com
Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 AT 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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class="author-text"> <a class="bold author-name" href="/author/elisabeth-vincentelli/">Elisabeth Vincentelli</a> <div class="timestamp published-date padding-12-left"> April 14, 2000 AT 04:00 AM EDT </div> </div> </div> <!-- Article Content --> <div id="article-body" class="article content body clearfix"> <div class="padded"> <h3 class="article__creative-work-title">000</h3> <dl id="article__creative-work-info" class="article__creative-work-info"> <dt>type</dt> <dd>Music</dd> <dt>Current Status</dt> <dd>In Season</dd> </dl> <div class="article__letter-grade"> <span class="article__letter-grade-shape channel__color--background-color"></span> <p aria-label="Letter grade">We gave it a <strong>B</strong></p> </div> <p>Being the Rolling Stones is a tough job, but someone’s gotta do it. Since the Stones themselves have turned into a joke, we’ll gladly take the Delta 72. Their earlier recordings were inspired by hard-driving ’60s soul, but now with <strong>000</strong> these Philly boys look back to the flamboyantly sweaty boogie Jagger & Co. played at their ’70s peak — and completely rejuvenate it. Though it doesn’t come close to the delirious energy of the band’s shows, <em>000</em> is a shot of put-your-hands-in-the-air party music. <strong>B</strong></p> </div> </div> <!-- Bottom Recirc --> <div class="bottom-recirc padded-mobile " data-tracking-zone="bottom-recirc" > <div class="component outbrain clearfix " data-action="outbrain-component" data-tracking-zone=outbrain-bottom> <div class="OUTBRAIN " data-src="http://ew.com//article/2000/04/14/000/" data-widget-id="AR_24" data-ob-template="ew" > </div> </div> <div id="ad-728x90_FT_td_1" class="ad ad-container ad-wrapper desktop-ad tablet-ad " data-dimensions="728x90" data-tgxtargeting="%7B%22ft%22%3A%221%22%7D" data-tgxlazy="200" > </div> <div id="ad-300x250_FT_m_1" class="ad ad-container ad-wrapper mobile-ad " data-dimensions="300x250" data-tgxtargeting="%7B%22ft%22%3A%221%22%7D" data-tgxupdatecorrelator="true" data-tgxlazy="200" > </div> <div class="component feed clearfix bottom-recirc" 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