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'Vanderpump Rules' fan recap: It's all happening

Season 4 | Episode 4 | “Happily Never After” | Aired Nov 23, 2015

“What he needs to do is just sip.” –Scheana

Tonight, on a very special episode of Vanderpump Rules, we learn about addiction and a person named Michael Shay who we literally have heard say three words up until now. I’m not a monster—I’m not going to make light of Shay’s addiction, he honestly seems like a very nice and caring person. Who, up until this episode has said nothing. I didn’t even know what his face looked like. (It looks nice, actually.) What I can make light of is that he chose to wear a hat that says “HOMÍES: South Central” (a play on Hermés).

Scheana (ahem, the producers) insisted that the Toms, Ariana, and Katie be present when Scheana confronts her husband. Shay admits that Scheana intimidates him and doesn’t really listen to him, and didn’t even realize he’s been depressed and using pills for two years. You know what? I really hope these two crazy kids work it out. And you know what else? They have a good conversation about it. Scheana will try to shut up more and Shay will try to say more than three words for four seasons.

Later, Scheana lunches with Lisa, who is rightfully skeptical about Scheana curing Shay of his addiction overnight. During this I noticed Scheana’s “It’s all happening” tattoo and wonder what it means now. If “it” now means being cast on Couples Therapy.

Of course, lil’ cutie-pie Tommy Schwartz makes it all about him, having the realization that wow, being in your thirties is different than being in your twenties. Did everyone notice that he has a new interview outfit? His hair is still a disaster from his supposed “perm.”

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Speaking of dysfunction, Kristen and James go to couples therapy. It made me nostalgic for The Hills, when Spencer and Heidi went to a therapist who told them, “This seems like teenager problems. ” Now I’m imagining a Vanderpump and Hills crossover. Lauren would go to lunches at SUR where she and her friends just stare at each other. Spencer and Jax would be best friends, and Audrina would date Jax and Whitney would end up “running” SUR. Heidi would “run” an event at PUMP where she would ultimately mess up by insulting Giggy the dog and mistaking Ken for a homeless person. Where was I?

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Kristen and James should break up. It’s obvious to the therapist and all of us. Kristen is constantly criticizing James’s behavior, and James feels like she’s constantly putting him down. Yell yell yell, call name, roll eyes. Enough with these two. James wants to get up on Lala and others, but Kristen is hanging on to this relationship so she has relevance to the show.

The Toms have a cringe-worthy meeting with Lisa, her daughter Pandora (I love that name), and Pandora’s husband Jason. We get some Tom Schwartz fan service by watching him pick out clothes and make smoldering faces in his mirror to prepare for said meeting. Tom Schwartz gets a big fat crush on Jason and thinks he looks like a “model businessman.” Tom Sandoval makes a pitch to try to sell Lisa Vanderpump Sangria (creative name) to clubs in St. Louis, because apparently, he’s like, a Really Big Deal there. Here’s his pitch (paraphrased), and I promise I am being sincere:

So I go into a bar and order some LVP Sangria. Someone asks me what I’m drinking and I’m like, oh this? It’s Lisa Vanderpump Sangria. It’s really good.

I swear he is taking sales lessons from John-Ralphio Saperstein. The three of them look at the Toms like this the whole time.

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Pandora rips into them, telling them she doesn’t just want them to go into little clubs in St. Louis. She just got back from Turkey, London, and Australia because they are a global brand! A company with three thousand branches is interested! (I’m guessing BevMo? Or maybe something more like Accolade Wines. Or maybe both!) The Toms leave dejected and hold each other and cry in the car.

Meanwhile, Jax brings in former child-pageant star Brittany, tanner than Lisa’s luxury leather tissue box, to meet with Lisa again. But whoops! Brittany forgot her résumé again, as well as clothes that come in more than one piece. And she worked at Hooters! She uses the excuse that she can’t have employees dating. Jax gets so angry he has to blow off steam by getting another nose job.

There’s some other recaplettes of info that I cannot leave without mentioning:

  • James’s DJ-ing laptop has his full name in huge gold letters on it, akin to his mother writing his name on the tags of his underwear.
  • Katie, apparently has a DIY site called Pucker and Pout, which, among other things, talks about drinking water, and how you can make your hair look better by adding a hair accessory. Watch out Style By Stassi, you’ve got competition!
  • Scheana’s apartment (or the one that production stages to be hers) is covered with huge images of her and Shay from their wedding. I’d want to get away from that too for a while.
  • There’s a quick (staged) scene of Lala on the phone with someone trying to make a reservation with her telling the person on the phone that they are “completely booked” for the whole night, in case we started to doubt the popularity of SUR.
  • Kristen’s apartment (or the one that production stages to be hers) has a framed work of art that has the letters “J + K” on it.
  • There’s a very clever parody of the show running on Bravo with the stars of The Night Before, in which Seth Rogen, Ilana Glazer, Anthony Mackie, and the amazing Jillian Bell compete to become a new SURver. Jax, Scheana, and Kristen are good sports in making fun of themselves. They even nailed the opening credits.

Vanderpump Rules airs Mondays at 9/8c on Bravo.

TV Families | EW.com
February 23, 1990 at 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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