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'Tales from the Crypt' nostalgia recap: He was really ax-ing for it

Season 1 | Episode 5 | “Lover Come Hack to Me” | Aired June 21, 1989

Tales from the Crypt shows a little skin—and bones and blood—this week, as one couple’s wedding night takes an unexpected turn. Tom Holland (Child’s Play and Fright Night ’85, a personal fave) directs, telling a story involving everyone’s favorite topics: sex, money, and girl power.

Tales from the Crypt - Lover Come Hack to Me

Newlyweds Peggy (Amanda Plummer, Pulp Fiction) and Charles (Stephen Shellen, La Femme Nikita) are ready to jump-start their moneymoon—er, I mean, honeymoon. But timid Peggy just recently inherited a crazy amount of money, so her Aunt Edith (Lisa Figus) is suspect about Charles’s intentions (rightfully so).

After driving in the rain à la Brad and Janet, our couple hits a roadblock in a fallen tree. Fumbling around, Peggy finds a gun in the car’s glove compartment. Charles plays it off as being a gift from her dear Auntie, then proceeds to get out of the car to examine the tree situation.

While Peggy and Charles appear to be stuck for the night, beyond the road is a mansion—again, just like Brad and Janet! Their car key goes missing—and the couple quips back and forth before heading out to inspect the vacant house.

Luckily, Peggy does find a house key and the two head into their abode for the night—but not before Peggy insists that Charles carry her over the threshold.

To no one’s surprise, the home’s phone lines are dead—so the newlyweds go off exploring. Peggy gasps as she sees a large, not-your-typical-lumberjacking ax hanging above a fireplace. And speaking of the fireplace, it appears as though someone prearranged some firewood for them. Things are beginning to look a little suspicious. Okay, they were always a little questionable.

Charles lights the fire and tells Peggy to take off her wet clothes. “After all, we’re married now,” he urges. She’s physically nervous and leaves the room to get their overnight bags. From a distance, Peggy watches Charles undress, baring all. And let’s be frank: He’s the embodiment of a late-’80s/early-’90s D-bag.

Tales from the Crypt - Lover Come Hack to Me

Peggy reenters the room and begins to uncomfortably get naked. She confesses her fears: He’s not really attracted to her, he only married her for the money, etc. Yes and yes—but Charles denies the accusations and continues to prime her for their impending hookup.

The time has come, and Charles carries Peggy to the couch, but she insists the night be perfect. This girl needs a bed.

They find a nice room with dozens of unlit candles—it screams romance and fire hazard, but whatever. Charles is to light candles while Peggy slips off to get into something more comfortable.

By this time, Charles is ready to just get it over with. And we’re not only talking about the consummation, but also his real objective: to kill his new wife. Ahem, he holds the gun.

At this moment, Peggy reveals herself … a lot of herself. What was once a shy, mousey girl is now a red-lipped, thigh-high-adorned woman. Charles is baffled—and totally turned on by Peggy’s new, sexified look.

And the lovemaking ensues. The sounds of moaning and a clock ticking take over and climax in a bell-tolling, glass-shattering moment. Literally, the clock’s glass face breaks.

While lying in bed, Peggy tells Charles what any man would want to hear post-coitus: They made a child, a baby girl. Alrighty.

Later that night, Charles wakes from sleep to people talking. Outside, he witnesses a rather off-looking Peggy leading another man into the house. Charles heads downstairs and spies on this curious scene—a totally aggressive Peggy ripping the clothes off of this other man while scratching at his skin.

The clock strikes midnight and Charles is beyond befuddled. But it’s all good—he’ll still kill Peggy and get all of her money. No big deal.

At this point, it’s post-sex for Peggy and the other man. While he sleeps, she tells him they’ve made a baby—a little girl. And then she proceeds to grab the ax from the wall and chop the guy into bloody bits.

Aha! Charles realizes it’s not real. He’s witnessing some sort of paranormal scene involving Peggy’s parents … the night she was conceived! Whoa.

Charles awakes in bed thinking it all was just a highly detailed nightmare. Wrong. The real Peggy admits to everything. He grabs his gun and shoots to kill, but alas, no bullets. It’s Peggy’s turn—she wields the ax and swings to kill! And does.

Tales from the Crypt - Lover Come Hack to Me

Presumably the next day, Aunt Edith arrives to a joyful Peggy—who immediately tells her dear auntie the baby news. Edith is delighted and reminds Peggy, “no more men.” The torch is passed, and this family’s women live on to birth more ax-grinding girls.

Tales from the Crypt - Lover Come Hack to Me

Crypt Keeper Final Thought: “All you bouncing bachelors out there, a word of warning before you take that matrimonial plunge: Check out the bride’s background. Open her closet door and see if any family secrets fall out. Beware of skeletons … unless they’re yours truly!”

Fun Fact: Michael McDowell penned the script for this story—plus 10 more Tales from the Crypt episodes. Something else he co-wrote: Beetlejuice. And a not-so-fun fact—McDowell died in 1999 from an AIDS-related illness. He had an unfinished novel that was later completed by Tabitha King (you know, Stephen’s wife).

Notable Quote: “We’re going to take a little ride to honeymoon hell!” —The Crypt Keeper

TV Families | EW.com
Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 AT 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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Article Content --> <div id="article-body" class="article content body clearfix" data-tracking-zone="body"> <div class="padded"> <h3 class="article__creative-work-title">000</h3> <dl id="article__creative-work-info" class="article__creative-work-info"> <dt>type</dt> <dd>Music</dd> <dt>Current Status</dt> <dd>In Season</dd> </dl> <div class="article__letter-grade"> <span class="article__letter-grade-shape channel__color--background-color"></span> <span aria-label="Letter grade">We gave it a <strong>B</strong></span> </div> <p>Being the Rolling Stones is a tough job, but someone’s gotta do it. Since the Stones themselves have turned into a joke, we’ll gladly take the Delta 72. Their earlier recordings were inspired by hard-driving ’60s soul, but now with <strong>000</strong> these Philly boys look back to the flamboyantly sweaty boogie Jagger & Co. played at their ’70s peak — and completely rejuvenate it. Though it doesn’t come close to the delirious energy of the band’s shows, <em>000</em> is a shot of put-your-hands-in-the-air party music. <strong>B</strong></p> </div> </div> <!-- Syndication Attribution --> <!-- Generic Page Content --> <!-- Bottom Recirc --> <div class="bottom-recirc padded-mobile " data-tracking-zone="bottom-recirc" > <div class="component outbrain clearfix " data-action="outbrain-component" data-tracking-zone=outbrain-bottom> <div class="OUTBRAIN " data-src="http://ew.com//article/2000/04/14/000/" data-widget-id="AR_24" data-ob-template="people" > </div> </div> <div id="ad-728x90_FT_td_1" class="ad ad-container ad-wrapper desktop-ad tablet-ad " data-dimensions="728x90" data-tgxtargeting="%7B%22ft%22%3A%221%22%7D" data-tgxlazy="200" > </div> <div id="ad-300x250_FT_m_1" class="ad ad-container ad-wrapper mobile-ad " data-dimensions="300x250" data-tgxtargeting="%7B%22ft%22%3A%221%22%7D" data-tgxupdatecorrelator="true" data-tgxlazy="200" > </div> <div class="component 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