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'Vanderpump Rules' fan recap: Katie, Gordo, Career, Perm

Season 4 | Episode 2 | “New Blood” | Aired Nov 9, 2015

Imagine spending so much of your life climbing—no—clawing to the top. To have the best tables, the best schedule, the best gossip. Being royalty of the kingdom called SUR. You’re part of a dynasty that will be talked about in textbooks hundreds of years from now. It’s Vanderpump Rules, as in, the ruling class. Your royal motto is the Latin “Shay called them an Uber,” which translates to: “Live as you want, and the world lives for you.”

Except there’s been an enemy invasion. Your comfortable reign has been compromised. There are new waitresses and hostesses because your overlord (Lisa) has made it so. Struggles lie ahead, and it will be a test of true greatness. You must defeat this new regime. All is not lost; you have some weapons in your arsenal.

It has been said that the great Katie, she of Eyebrows on Fleek, will battle you in a game of wits. Can you name the tables by number? Can you look at a screen that represents a room and interpret the tables? Katie will not let you. She will set you up with master manipulation to be shamed by Her Royal Greatness, Lady Lisa of Vanderpump when she tests your wits. Be careful Faith: Your namesake is something that your enemies don’t want you to have.

Lala, the siren of the podium, the keeper of reservations, has been besotted with the evil curse of being “every guy’s type” and cannot keep this fact to herself. This spell also awakens the green-eyed goblin, who makes the current old regime of women, nay, goddesses, envious of the power. What they don’t know is that the antidote to the spell is coming from within them. They cause their own prison of emotion. Katie and her lady-in-waiting Scheana launch an attack on Lala, drawing her into their evil sanctum, the Surly Goat, and revealing her underhanded plan to go on a trip to Italy with a man that is paying for her company, because she has been handed the gift of being “a really fun bitch to be around.” Does she need to lie with a man out-of-wedlock for her riches? Alas, Lala has broken her sacred blood oath, that of waiting until one’s shifts are on the schedule before taking vacation time. This is a covenant that has been kept for years, and it is unspoken that it must be followed at all costs.

 

Vanderpump Rules

But all is not bad in the land of Vanderpump, as Lord Thomas Sandoval and Duchess Ariana have entered the sacred bond of purchasing a couch together. This is not an easy choice, as it needs to be one that allows for Lord Sandoval to mate with his Duchess on a regular basis. For this privilege, the couch may cost no less than $3,000.

Their happy ceremony is mired by Duchess Ariana’s fears that her dear friend Scheana has been put under a cloak of dark magic by the villainess Kristen. Scheana has not had the revelation that the enemies of her allies shall also be her enemies. Surely Scheana cannot possess a fondness for both the good and the evil, and must pick between the two.

A gangly laptop DJ sprite named James may be the origin of unrest in the kingdom. He has professed his love to the villainess Kristen, yet dabbles in relations with another maiden. Kristen drinks the sacred wine, cutting her ties with Sir Laptop, only to be trapped in his web of deceit once more, by only a kiss and a false promise. Sir Laptop DJ has trapped Kristen in an iron tower of her own emotions. Sir Laptop has also allowed the town crier to announce that he was “totally bonin” another fair maiden.

But the enemy intrusion has its fairer side: The innocent maiden Brittany has traveled from Kentucky to be with Don Jax Giovanni, notorious womanizer and rabble-rouser. Everyone sees Brittany’s pure heart and frets over Jax taking her innocence. Many ostracize Jax for his inclination toward the olfactory arousal he derives from soiled feet.

Brittany causes no melee when she is taken to Overlord Lisa’s throne to beg for mercy and a job at SUR. Lisa, digging deep for the few morsels of empathy that she keeps hidden, pities Brittany because Brittany has nothing but a mere shroud of clothing on her. Her Lordship Lisa institutes a challenge for Maiden Brittany: produce a resume and keep the heart of Don Jax for three fortnights. If she succeeds, she can have coveted waitress position.

Vanderpump Rules

Meanwhile, the fate of this kingdom has been thrust upon the shoulders of the handsome Prince Thomas Schwartz and his royal advisors Gordo and Perm. Should he decide to take Katie’s hand in marriage, the balance will be restored. If not, the innocent people must once again suffer the melodrama that unfolds in SUR, their only source for sustenance and shelter. We can take comfort in that Her Lordship Lisa is, above everything, a benevolent ruler.

Vanderpump Rules airs Mondays at 9/8c on Bravo.

TV Families | EW.com
Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 AT 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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