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'Law & Order: SVU' fan recap: Baker's dozen

Season 17 | Episode 6 | “Patrimonial Burden” | Aired Nov 4, 2015

You knew it was inevitable that SVU would take on that gag-reflex-triggering Duggars case. Admittedly, there’s some of what the Germans refer to as “schadenfreude” watching self-righteous, literally “holier than thou” reality TV stars sink to the bottom of the baptismal pool. But we should also keep in mind that these are real people, despite their televisual presence, and some involved in this mess are kids. So I’m going to let SVU handle the schadenfreude-ing for me.

The Bakers are a evangelical family: mom, dad, and TWELVE CHILDREN. Just read that again. TWELVE CHILDREN. When do they sleep? Their reality show, Baker’s Dozen, in which they share every aspect of their god-fearing and child-plentiful lives, is a big hit. Well, almost every aspect, as we later find out. Lane Baker, 13, is having her purity-ring cotillion prom thingy. It’s when you pledge yourself to your father in a ceremony that is a little too close to a wedding. Then everybody dances! Yikes.

Whoa, is that Chris Elliot as the camera guy? Small world. The festivities (and cheesy comments to the cameras about their idyllic existence) are interrupted when Lane collapses on the dance floor. It turns out she’s three months pregnant. This might affect her saving herself for marriage. It’s just a guess.

The family immediately tries to close ranks when Liv and crew show up at the hospital. The doctor lets them know that Lane is fine, there’s no sign of sexual trauma, and that she collapsed due to low blood pressure. The parents are determined that they will handle this as an internal manner. Fin eyes them like you eye one of those emails from Nigeria promising you millions if you give them all of your banking info. Liv notes to Mr. and Mrs. Baker that this wasn’t “an immaculate conception.” Slay, Liv, slay with your acid tongue!

Back at the station, Rollins is trying desperately to hide the fact that she’s a huge fan of Baker’s Dozen. It’s okay, Manda, I feel you; I haven’t missed an episode of Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. The crew argues over whether they should pursue the case or not. New Guy Dodds has dealt with sexual assault in the Hasidic community in the past, and says that it’s a worthless endeavor because the community works overtime to keep it private. Liv would like him to shut up, thanks. When they’re finally able to get the family into the station, it’s obvious that something is wrong. The oldest kid, Graham, 17, is a little odd. And Lane tells Liv that she WAS raped by someone, but promised not to name them. Liv deftly manipulates the kid into WRITING down the guy’s name that raped her. That way she didn’t break her promise. Has Liv always been this manipulative? Jeesh.

Here is where I should mention the humorous scene in which Ma Baker comments on Rollins’ pregnancy and her lack of a wedding ring. Rollins just kind of looks at her. What a disappointment for a Baker’s Dozen fan to have Mrs. Baker judge you in person. You should never meet your heroes.

SVY Duggars

Liv’s ploy works, and guess what? Lane claims that random guest star Chris Elliot is the culprit. This looks believable because the detectives find footage on his laptop of the older girls changing. It’s also believable because it’s random guest star Chris Elliot. Elliot wasn’t the one who raped Lane, because he had a vasectomy some years ago. He may be a perv, but he’s the visual kind. Luckily for SVU, he has an idea of who the actual perp might be. He’s got footage of older brother Graham being way too handsy with a young piano teacher. After some investigating, they find out that Josh Duggar stand-in Graham’s hands have gotten him in quite a bit of trouble over the years. Their hometown of Allenville has turned a blind eye to it, however, because this family is really good for tourism. And their reverend/lawyer (is that even legal?), Eldin’s dad, is the town’s reverend.

The judges and the cops are all involved in the hush-hush as well. Graham was sent to an evangelical camp to pray the perv away, as opposed to prison. That obviously helped. When Fin and Carisi leave Allenville, a patrol cop pulls them over to secretly hand them Graham’s sealed arrest record.

It appears as though Graham might have attacked another sister as well. The timing of toddler Tate Baker’s birth is way off, and it looks like Ma Barker might have faked her pregnancy to cover for the incestual pregnancy of her daughter. People, show business isn’t worth all that. Drive for Uber or something.

The Barkers refuse to allow any sort of “invasive procedure” to test for DNA. Carisi remembers that Tate drooled all over his jacket the day they were in the precinct. He might come off as sort of a well-groomed schlub, but Carisi has got his good points. Either that or Dour Dodds is making him look especially skilled.

The parents (actually the increasingly sinister Rev. Eldin) have Graham shipped to Ecuador so he can avoid any sort of new charges being brought against him. The extradition laws there are favorable to pervs. He probably could have saved himself a plane trip. The DNA test shows that Graham is NOT the father. Guess who is? Yep: the Rev. He was present on both evangelical missions that the girls were on and away from their parents.

In the ultimate creepster move, Rev. Eldin goes to MARRY the 13-year-old Lane. Apparently this is legal? The parents even give consent! He somehow hornswoggled (I love that word) them into believing that he’s stepping up to a girl in need. SVU arrives in time to stop the ceremony and expose Eldin for the “piece of crap” that he is. That’s what Carisi refers to him as. See, Carisi is really winning me over.

Lane’s parents get a clue, and intend to testify against Eldin. So it’s a happy ending. Well, except for the two rape victims, the two babies under these circumstances, and Rollins ending up in the hospital again. She’s pushing herself too hard (desk duty is not to her liking), and she ends the episode on bed rest. The best scene this week is a heart-to-heart she has—with Carisi, of all people—expressing her doubts about being a good mother. He gives her a rah-rah speech about how she’s going to be an awesome mom. Just don’t let Auntie Kim babysit. That chick will probably try to sell Baby Rollins.

Law & Order: SVU airs Wednesdays at 9/8C on NBC.

TV Families | EW.com
Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 AT 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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Article Content --> <div id="article-body" class="article content body clearfix" data-tracking-zone="body"> <div class="padded"> <h3 class="article__creative-work-title">000</h3> <dl id="article__creative-work-info" class="article__creative-work-info"> <dt>type</dt> <dd>Music</dd> <dt>Current Status</dt> <dd>In Season</dd> </dl> <div class="article__letter-grade"> <span class="article__letter-grade-shape channel__color--background-color"></span> <span aria-label="Letter grade">We gave it a <strong>B</strong></span> </div> <p>Being the Rolling Stones is a tough job, but someone’s gotta do it. Since the Stones themselves have turned into a joke, we’ll gladly take the Delta 72. Their earlier recordings were inspired by hard-driving ’60s soul, but now with <strong>000</strong> these Philly boys look back to the flamboyantly sweaty boogie Jagger & Co. played at their ’70s peak — and completely rejuvenate it. Though it doesn’t come close to the delirious energy of the band’s shows, <em>000</em> is a shot of put-your-hands-in-the-air party music. <strong>B</strong></p> </div> </div> <!-- Syndication Attribution --> <!-- Generic Page Content --> <!-- Bottom Recirc --> <div class="bottom-recirc padded-mobile " data-tracking-zone="bottom-recirc" > <div class="component outbrain clearfix " data-action="outbrain-component" data-tracking-zone=outbrain-bottom> <div class="OUTBRAIN " data-src="http://ew.com//article/2000/04/14/000/" data-widget-id="AR_24" data-ob-template="people" > </div> </div> <div id="ad-728x90_FT_td_1" class="ad ad-container ad-wrapper desktop-ad tablet-ad " data-dimensions="728x90" data-tgxtargeting="%7B%22ft%22%3A%221%22%7D" data-tgxlazy="200" > </div> <div id="ad-300x250_FT_m_1" class="ad ad-container ad-wrapper mobile-ad " data-dimensions="300x250" data-tgxtargeting="%7B%22ft%22%3A%221%22%7D" data-tgxupdatecorrelator="true" data-tgxlazy="200" > </div> <div class="component 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