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'Hawaii Five-0' fan recap: Date from hell

Season 6 | Episodes 7 | “Na Kama Hele” | Aired Nov 6, 2015

Football and first dates are the subject of tonight’s Hawaii Five-0. I’m not super familiar with either of those things, but I don’t think they typically involve quite so much crime. But this is Hawaii, and things are different.

Chin, Kono, and Lou are at a high school football game. It’s the semifinals, and the star quarterback, Jesse, is dropping the ball big time (both metaphorically and literally). Chin is a super-fan, so he knows this just isn’t like him—something is wrong. Chin’s theory is confirmed when two sketchy guys follow Jesse to the locker room mid-game.

Chin and Lou go in to check on Jesse, but he says nothing is wrong. Finally, after Chin’s inspiring speech about Jesse’s bright future, Jesse confesses that his dad has been kidnapped. If he doesn’t throw the game, the kidnappers will kill him. Chin tells Jesse to go out and win the game. Five-0 will find his dad.

Step one is bringing the two goons at the game to HQ. The team tries to get some answers out of them, but they’re not talking. So Chin takes advantage of Five-0’s “full immunity” thing and beats the crap out of one of the men. Unsurprisingly, he talks.

The kidnapper is Oliver Zelenko, a drug runner whose cover import/export business was shut down. He placed a big bet on the opposing team to get himself out of the hole.

Chin and Lou race to Zelenko’s, but time is running out (literally); if they don’t make it there before the end of the game, Jesse’s dad is dead. Luckily, Jesse wins the game and Chin and Lou burst in to save his dad right in the nick of time.

Earlier in the day, Lou tried to talk Steve out of his first date with Lynn (Sarah Carter, Falling Skies). Rather than coffee or drinks, Steve organized a snorkeling trip and hike on a deserted island. Steve McGarrett is a beautiful man who looks great in a tank top, but I am still swiping left on that first date—no thank you.

Steve and Lou on Hawaii Five-0

Lou is worried that if the date goes badly, Steve will have no exit strategy, however, he’s less worried once he sees Lynn. (Let’s just say that she’s not unattractive.) Also, she works in human services keeping kids the system has given up on out of jail. WE GET IT, YOU’RE PERFECT, LYNN.

After their boat ride and snorkeling, Lynn takes Steve to a beautiful spot to take some first-date selfies. (Is this a thing people do?) On their way back to the boat, Lynn suggests a shortcut which is almost always a terrible idea, because now they’re lost in the middle of nowhere.

Steve and Lynn

But they do stumble across something strange: a hidden plane in the middle of the jungle. This is especially weird because the plane didn’t crash. But before they can ponder any further, someone starts shooting at them.

Lynn, being a normal member of society, is not handling this near-death experience well. And naturally they don’t have any cell service. The ONE TIME you don’t have your satphone, Steven, honestly.

So Steve uses the shiniest knife in all of existence as a mirror to make sure the shooter goes the wrong way, and then he and Lynn race to find the boat. Fortunately, they find it easily. Unfortunately, the boat is on fire, and it was their only way off the island.

Steve and Lynn hear the shooter radioing someone. He’s still looking for them, so Steve suggests that he and Lynn head back to the plane. It’s the last place the bad guys will look for them.

Lynn reluctantly agrees, and suggests another shortcut, this one crossing a huge waterfall. (I am not convinced Lynn knows what a shortcut is.) They manage to get across okay, but unfortunately, so does the shooter.

The three of them struggle at the top and the shooter is thrown over the edge. Lynn gets pretty banged up, too, so Steve uses part of his shirt to make her a cute headband/bandage. If you gotta get a head wound, you might as well look cute, too, I guess.

Back at the plane, Steve figures out it was a prisoner transport, and with a little help from the flight plan and a great memory for national news events, Steve realizes that the plane was transporting Boston mob boss, Dennis Logan, who was presumed dead four years ago when his plane disappeared. But there’s no sign of a struggle. The whole plane was in on his escape.

Steve and Lynn come up with a new plan: steal Logan and his partner’s boat. Logan (who is still alive) and his girlfriend, Vicki, also have a plan: kill the spares and find a new deserted island.

Steve and Lynn

Steve shoots a flare into Logan’s camp, distracting them so Lynn can steal the boat. But Logan isn’t stupid; he realizes what’s going on and he catches up to Lynn, and now he has a hostage.

Logan tries to use Lynn to draw Steve out, but Steve has Vicki hostage, and he threatens to take her back to Oahu. Logan doubts Steve will leave his girlfriend behind, but Steve announces that he’s not risking his life for Lynn—he just met her. HARSH.

But it was all a ploy! Steve gets the upper hand on Logan, and he hands the criminals over to the police once they are back on Oahu. And Steve and Lynn decide that since they’re both still alive, it was a pretty decent first date. I know the dating world is tough out there, but have higher standards, people.

FINAL THOUGHTS

  • At the football game, Chin asks Lou if Lynn is “thumb-worthy,” meaning “Would you cut off your thumb to spend the weekend with her?” I am pretty confident this is NOT A THING, but I sure as hell can’t Google it to confirm. WHO KNOWS WHAT WOULD COME UP.
  • Lou’s scene with the goons at the football game is a perfect example of why I love him.
  • Theory as to where Danny was this week since we didn’t even mention him? I like to think he’s hanging with Charlie at the hospital because that makes me happy and no Danny makes me sad.

Hawaii Five-0 airs Fridays at 9/8C on CBS.

TV Families | EW.com
Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 AT 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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