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'Vanderpump Rules' fan recap: My life has meaning again

Season 4 | Episode 1 | “Playtime’s Over” | Aired Nov 2, 2015

“Learn to control your anger; you’re in your thirties, bro.” –Kristen

There’s been horrible stuff in the news, bills that need to be paid, traffic to sit in, life slogging on, but tonight I realized it was all worth it—because Vanderpump Rules is back in our lives. Once a week, we can dive into a world where there’s nothing but stock aerial footage of Los Angeles and the random luck of being born with arbitrarily favored genetics.

After the doozy of events at the end of season 3, I never thought our precious Vanderpumpers would survive it. But wouldn’t you know, they are still at it, living their lives with a joie de vivre none of us will ever come close to. Let’s catch up with our motley crew of part-time waiters/part-time models:

At first I thought I was watching a preview of Goodnight Mommy, but no, our favorite thirtysomething party boy is recovering from his third nose surgery. And this time, they’ve taken some skin from his ear, which I assume is medically approved. In fact, for some reason, he looks much better with the bandages. It gives him a vulnerability that no type of vapid affair can. His mother is in town, and in Lisa’s words, not mine, it’s surprising that she is not a cold, distant witch who turned Jax into a sociopath. Lucky for Mrs. Jax, she gets to have lunch with Scheana and her mother (who is turning 50, and is about one step away from appearing in the open credits whilst throwing champagne in slow motion). Mrs. Jax delights the table with a story of how Jax, at age 12, inappropriately touched his bus driver. Laughs all around.

Katie’s hombre hair extensions are back with a vengeance, and they are still kvetching about that ring on a string, and warning us all that Tom Schwartz has six months left to propose. I wonder if he ever will? Just kidding, they show it in the season previews.

Scheana has gone from 4 inches of makeup and fake lashes down to 2 inches. I guess because she’s a married woman now. She’s also turning 30, and so she decides that only a few months after her wedding, it’s time to rent out the ballroom of the Marriott Glendale to have her “decades” party. She goes as “Like A Virgin” era Madonna and looks pretty adorable. Her husband continues to shrink away from the cameras and, oh, I wonder if that is going to be an issue. (It is. The season previews are not at all withholding.)

Vanderpump Rules

James got a lot of the airtime this episode and a major boost because he’s now been promoted to the main credits, throwing a liquid in slow motion. He’s still with Kristen, mostly because he is terrified of her and she keeps leaving severed horse heads on his bed. She keeps showing up at Pump bar when he is DJing, and it’s distracting!. See, DJing is his life’s passion. “Girls may come and go, but dreams are forever,” he says, while pulling a piece of metal out of his car that he will hook up to a laptop and then slide buttons up and down.

He dresses as a “modern-day ’60s Woodstock rock star” because that makes complete logical sense. He wears a bob wig which makes him look more like Snow White than rock star, but he is not going to let Kristen crashing the party harsh his vibe. His vibe apparently involves pouring some brown alcohol on his face and the front of his shirt and then hit on someone while Kristen is right there. Speaking of …

Vanderpump Rules

She has a new apartment, which looks conveniently like her old one. She has her own t-shirt line now, so she’s over SUR. Except that she keeps showing up there. She’s not thrilled with James, who does horrible things like express his desire not to fight with her nor allow her to purposely get him fired from his job. The monster! Kristen crashes the decades party by going as a “consumer of double-sided tape” for her top.


The Toms
I think that we as a society overuse the word “literally.” However, I mean it in every sense of the world when I say that I literally screamed when I saw Tom Schwartz’s mutton-chop sideburns. This precious, sensitive, delicate angel of a boy has decided to also get a perm, because he is fully committed to his ’70s costume for Scheana’s decades party. In the end, his hair isn’t really permed, but no one has the heart to break his beautiful sensitive soul. He and Tom Sandoval go dressed as ’70s mustachioed roller-skating gay boyfriends and are the life of the party.


Ariana may still be the one who is likable, and not in an ironic way. She attends the decades party as, I think, someone from Andy Warhol’s Factory, but ends up looking like Velma from Scooby Doo. Still, she looks smokin’. Although she tells Tom Sandoval she feels like Scheana’s being a fake friend, because how can she be friends with Kristen when Kristen has expressed the desire to literally murder her? She has a point. Tom tells her that he is behind her 100 percent and that she deserves to be treated like the amazing person she is. I actually like Tom and Ariana together because they express actual emotions to each other and I don’t know … enjoy being together? It’s amazing how low my standards for humanity have become. She’s also supportive of Tom jumping into the pool in nothing but his skates and tiny briefs.

I’m so glad that this show is back that if it were a person, I would kiss it as awkwardly as Lisa kisses Ken.

Vanderpump Rules airs Mondays at 9/8c on Bravo.

TV Families | EW.com
Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 AT 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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