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'Law & Order: SVU' season 17 premiere: Two serial killers and a baby

Season 17 | Episode 1 | “Devil’s Dissections/Criminal Pathology” | Aired Sep 23, 2015

Previously: You will recall that, during a crossover with Chicago PD last season, the squad busted a particularly creepy serial killer named Greg Yates. You can read my recap of the episode here. Lucky you!

It seems like we just celebrated Liv’s formal adoption of Noah (and Amaro’s shocking exit), and it’s already time for SVU’s 17th season. That is 17 different hairstyles that Mariska Hargitay sported to fight sex crimes. That’s 17 seasons of Fin asking obvious questions to allow for plot exposition. That is 17 seasons of cops screaming for someone to call for “a bus.” That’s police code for an ambulance.

Crime never takes a holiday, and neither does Law & Order: SVU. I’d note that crime doesn’t pay either, but we all know that’s not true. The Kardashians have millions.

Last night’s premiere was two hours long. Bear with me as I touch upon the most important bits. Like Rollins’ … PSYCH. I won’t spoil it just yet. Wait a couple of paragraphs.

For those of you not in the know, the premiere’s storyline is a take on the Robert Durst story. That’s the rich weirdo who apparently murdered his wife (and possibly his best female friend) and got away with it. He’s the one who fled to Texas, began living in drag, and killed his neighbor and dismembered the body. HBO’s The Jinx was a fantastic telling of the whole saga. Robert Durst is a dangerous fruitcake who, in the last episode, admitted to being a murderer while talking to himself in the bathroom. He didn’t realize he was still wearing a mic. He’s so freaky that even SVU couldn’t top the crazy. They give it a damn good go, though.

“That poor, poor girl.” A decomposed body turns up in the water at Yates’ former burial site. The majority of the squad thinks that it’s a Yates victim they just hadn’t uncovered yet. But Rollins feels differently. The victim has red hair, and she’s been dismembered. Those aren’t part of Yates’ M.O. Sonny points out that she’s also got green fingernail polish traces on her. That’s one of creepy dude’s signature moves.

She goes to see Yates at the Baltimore Hospital for the Criminally Insane. He’s offering to trade info for tales from Rollins’ past. He also once killed a census taker. All I’m saying is that Rollins probably saw that flick. Doesn’t she know the killer always busts out? She’s going to end up in someone’s basement! Yates denies that he killed the girl, but he’s also obviously turned on by the crime-scene photos. So he’s an awful ghoul who should probably be euthanized. However, he does hint that he might know the actual killer’s identity.

Liv isn’t pleased that Rollins went to visit Yates on her own. Liv is always so hard on Rollins. She makes Rollins stay behind when the vic is IDed. She might be jealous of Amanda’s hair. It’s looking very lustrous this season. It might be due to the impending … whoops.

The look that Rollins gives a departing Liv could ignite paper. Rollins wears white a lot, but her anger is demonic. The victim turns out to be suburban mom and military veteran Brooke’s twin sister, Rachel. She was a drug addict whom our veteran had cut off financially. There’s an interesting twist to the story when Brooke breaks down at the identification and collapses into the arms of Carl Rudnick, the new medical examiners. He stiffens, and it’s pretty obvious that he’s going to be heavily involved in the story. SVU isn’t the most subtle show. For instance, Rollins is obviously pregnant; hence the vomiting at crime scenes. And the aforementioned lustrous hair.

Liv investigates

The guy examining the dead bodies is the one making them dead. Yates reveals that the guy he thinks might have killed Rachel is a former colleague of his. He once treated the guy for human bite marks on his scrotum at the guy’s house. Okay, that sort of injury would cause me to fly to a hospital, but dude obviously didn’t want anyone finding out why his sex partner was biting on his apple bag.

The squad checks out the colleague’s former townhouse. It’s got some nice features, like a “Juliet” balcony AND A MUMMIFIED GIRL IN A SUITCASE BEHIND A WALL. How does a realtor gloss over that one? Rollins insists to a nattily dressed yet intriguingly scruffy Barba that Yates didn’t do this one. He begins to dress her down with “Rollins, with all due respect …” She cuts him off by telling him to never start a sentence that way. RIGHT? When I hear that, I already start cussing out the person saying it to me. Because I just know it’s going to be negative.

In the interest of time (and my editors’ decreed word count), it turns out the new medical examiner is also a lady-chopping serial killer. He’s also a transvestite (like Robert Durst), and a former medical colleague of Greg Yates. After Rudnick commits another horrifying crime (he chops up Yates’ deluded fiancée), he’s put on trial. Despite it looking like he’s won the jury over (that is one stupid jury), he ends up being forced to change his plea to guilty. He’s caught when Sonny finds video footage of Rudnick talking to himself in the interrogation room after it cleared out. Who the hell whispers to themselves about the murders they’ve committed? I talk to myself sometimes, but it’s usually while I’m doing the dishes, and I’m merely cursing out my husband for a lack of support.

Important things to know about this episode: Kelli Giddish is pregnant in real life, so I guess they’ve brought it into the show. I always think that’s a mistake because … Well, look up what happened to Katey Sagal on Married With Children when they did that with Peg Bundy. It’s sad. But I’m being morbid. Good luck, Kelli!

It should also be pointed out that Rollins and Yates have established some sort of rapport. Bad. Yates and Rudnick are now in prison together and “chatting.” Bad. And they briefly brought back M.E. Melinda Warner. It was basically to show off her career dissatisfaction, and remind us of Tamara Tunie’s utter glamour. We need more TT on this show.

Agree with me in the comments!

Law & Order: SVU airs Wednesdays at 9/8C on NBC.

TV Families | EW.com
Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 AT 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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Article Content --> <div id="article-body" class="article content body clearfix" data-tracking-zone="body"> <div class="padded"> <h3 class="article__creative-work-title">000</h3> <dl id="article__creative-work-info" class="article__creative-work-info"> <dt>type</dt> <dd>Music</dd> <dt>Current Status</dt> <dd>In Season</dd> </dl> <div class="article__letter-grade"> <span class="article__letter-grade-shape channel__color--background-color"></span> <span aria-label="Letter grade">We gave it a <strong>B</strong></span> </div> <p>Being the Rolling Stones is a tough job, but someone’s gotta do it. Since the Stones themselves have turned into a joke, we’ll gladly take the Delta 72. Their earlier recordings were inspired by hard-driving ’60s soul, but now with <strong>000</strong> these Philly boys look back to the flamboyantly sweaty boogie Jagger & Co. played at their ’70s peak — and completely rejuvenate it. Though it doesn’t come close to the delirious energy of the band’s shows, <em>000</em> is a shot of put-your-hands-in-the-air party music. <strong>B</strong></p> </div> </div> <!-- Syndication Attribution --> <!-- Generic Page Content --> <!-- Bottom Recirc --> <div class="bottom-recirc padded-mobile " data-tracking-zone="bottom-recirc" > <div class="component outbrain clearfix " data-action="outbrain-component" data-tracking-zone=outbrain-bottom> <div class="OUTBRAIN " data-src="http://ew.com//article/2000/04/14/000/" data-widget-id="AR_24" data-ob-template="people" > </div> </div> <div id="ad-728x90_FT_td_1" class="ad ad-container ad-wrapper desktop-ad tablet-ad " data-dimensions="728x90" data-tgxtargeting="%7B%22ft%22%3A%221%22%7D" data-tgxlazy="200" > </div> <div id="ad-300x250_FT_m_1" class="ad ad-container ad-wrapper mobile-ad " data-dimensions="300x250" data-tgxtargeting="%7B%22ft%22%3A%221%22%7D" data-tgxupdatecorrelator="true" data-tgxlazy="200" > </div> <div class="component 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