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Hot for Teacher: Soaps go back to school

‘Tis the season for American kids to go back to school—but you wouldn’t know it from watching soaps.

Doctors, the genre has plenty of. Also, lawyers and multimillionaires and cops and mobsters. But teachers? Not so much.

Even Loving, a show set in a college town, declined to focus on the backstabbing and drama of high-level academia in favor of the university’s married president sleeping with the local news anchor, and a dean who terrorized his wife and raped his daughter.

And when we do meet a representative of the profession, they’re not exactly portrayed in the most positive light; see the aforementioned college president and dean. (Before this devolves into a flame war over whether teachers are the unappreciated saints of America’s educational system or the cause of everything that’s wrong with it, I just want to say that my husband is a teacher. As a result, I know that there are excellent teachers, and horrible teachers, and everything in between, just like with any other field.)

So, which soap-opera teachers made the grade and which ones flunked out? Report card below!

Days of Our Lives

Frankie was a high school valedictorian (after living on the streets for several years; obviously skipping school didn’t affect him much) whose girlfriend, Jennifer, broke up with him for no reason. (Well, she had a reason. She thought she would one day go crazy like her mother.)

A heartbroken Frankie had an affair with Paula, who ran the college teen help line. (She was very helpful.) One night, while at Paula’s apartment, Frankie witnessed what he thought was a crime happening across the street. Because Paula (sensibly) didn’t want it known she was sleeping with a student, she claimed to be the witness, not Frankie. This storyline took place in 1988. In 1987, the movie The Bedroom Window came out. I’m sure it was a total coincidence.

Especially since the story ended up going pretty much nowhere. Eve found out about Frankie and Paula, then exposed them. Jen was sad. Though it’s unlikely she called Paula’s help line. (Whether Paula lost her job and/or her pension has never been addressed. Maybe she was just an adjunct and never had them to begin with.)

One Life to Live

When OLTL made the move from ABC to The OnLine Network in 2013, the original plan was to air four episodes a week. However, after a few broadcasts, the schedule was changed to only two episodes a week. Which meant that story took twice as long to be told. Which meant that 17-year-old Jack only found out he’d flunked and would need to attend summer school in July.

But Jack ended up having a heck of a first day. An older woman in a coffee shop lured him to her apartment so they could have sex (twice!). Then Jack found out she was his new teacher. Kate felt a little awkward about it. But not so awkward that she broke off the affair. (For those who are wondering, the age of consent is 17 in Pennsylvania, where OLTL took place. For those also wondering, no, that doesn’t mean teachers are allowed to have sex with their students.)

The Young and the Restless

Shy, insecure, overweight Traci had an affair with her college English professor, Tim. When she caught Tim in bed with another student (What? She really thought she was the only one? Make that shy, insecure, overweight and naïve), Traci tried to commit suicide. A friend saved her, but then Traci learned she was pregnant. Danny, the rock star Traci had had a crush on since high school but who only saw Traci as a friend, married her out of sympathy.

So let’s review the valuable lessons learned here (we are discussing education): When an older woman seduces a teen-]age boy she’s teaching, it’s all in good fun. When an older man seduces a teenage girl he’s teaching, it’s a tragedy. Nope, no double standard there.

And for extra credit, there’s the part where trying to kill yourself and getting pregnant by accident also lands you the heartthrob of your adolescent dreams! There is absolutely nothing wrong with sending this message to teenagers.

There’s even a happy ending! Traci loses the baby she never wanted in the first place, and gets accepted to Stanford University. As with DOOL‘s Frankie, the classes she must have missed by being in the hospital were obviously not too important.

Guiding Light

So did soaps ever show a male teacher who wasn’t a predator? Well, there was GL‘s Jim. When we first met him, he was the nice-guy widower who’d adopted Harley’s daughter, Susan, and raised her in a perfectly normal, wholesome environment prior to the death of his wife. Jim ended up moving to Springfield when Susan wanted to get to know her biological mother. Within a few months, we learned that this nice, average teacher was also a former Navy SEAL who could lead dangerous rescue missions in foreign countries. Guess a devoted husband, father and educator just isn’t sexy enough.

General Hospital

Liz obviously agreed with the image of male teacher as predator because, at one point, she thought her teacher was also her rapist. (She never saw him, but both used the same phrase, “Don’t say a word.”) Elizabeth confronted him, but her teacher revealed he was gay and introduced her to his partner, so Elizabeth realized he couldn’t possibly be her rapist. In other words, she used the same sterling logic to eliminate him as a suspect as she did to incriminate him, since no rapist in history ever led a double life.

All My Children

Michael was another high school teacher who was also a former Marine, and he was also gay (it’s two clichés in one!). After the obligatory storyline of Pine Valley hysteria over Michael “making” his students gay when one of them, inspired by Michael’s example, came out, Michael taught everybody a Very Valuable Lesson of tolerance. Following that, he promptly disappeared off the canvas with his boyfriend. Because a gay teacher is one thing. But a male teacher with an adult love life—male or female? Nah, we can’t have that.

Educate us! Tell us how you feel about teachers on soaps. Should they join the doctors and lawyers? And mobsters?

TV Families | EW.com
Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 AT 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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clearfix"> <div class="padded"> <h3 class="article__creative-work-title">000</h3> <dl id="article__creative-work-info" class="article__creative-work-info"> <dt>type</dt> <dd>Music</dd> <dt>Current Status</dt> <dd>In Season</dd> </dl> <div class="article__letter-grade"> <span class="article__letter-grade-shape channel__color--background-color"></span> <p aria-label="Letter grade">We gave it an <strong>B</strong></p> </div> <p>Being the Rolling Stones is a tough job, but someone’s gotta do it. Since the Stones themselves have turned into a joke, we’ll gladly take the Delta 72. Their earlier recordings were inspired by hard-driving ’60s soul, but now with <strong>000</strong> these Philly boys look back to the flamboyantly sweaty boogie Jagger & Co. played at their ’70s peak — and completely rejuvenate it. Though it doesn’t come close to the delirious energy of the band’s shows, <em>000</em> is a shot of put-your-hands-in-the-air party music. <strong>B</strong></p> </div> </div> <!-- Bottom Recirc --> <div class="bottom-recirc padded-mobile "> <div class="component outbrain clearfix " data-action="outbrain-component"> <div class="OUTBRAIN " data-src="http://ew.com//article/2000/04/14/000/" data-widget-id="AR_24" data-ob-template="ew" > </div> </div> <interaction data-token="59d54344f64720010063394c" data-context="true" data-tags="" data-fallback="true"></interaction> <div class="component feed clearfix bottom-recirc" data-endpoint="/element-api/content-proxy/documents"data-request-data="%7B%22count%22%3A6%2C%22crops%22%3A%22thumbnail%2Cmarquee_large_2x%2Capp_list_thumbnail_2x%22%2C%22page%22%3A2%2C%22types%22%3A%22article%2Cgallery%2Crecipe%22%7D"data-partial="tile"data-variation="bottom-recirc"data-flair-size="30"data-type="feed"data-title="You May 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