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The 'UnReal' all-star of the week: Blame and indignation

This week’s UnReal all-star—in true reality-show fashion—is the weirdest, craziest, most ridiculous person capturing our very short attention spans. Maybe she’s sweet or endearing and makes us fall in love with her, or maybe she reveals the depths of her depravity and proves herself worthy of ultimate guilty-pleasure status. Either way, the all-star is always the star of the show.

Except that this week, it’s not an actual person. It’s all the scathing accusations and blame being tossed around. Everybody has an opinion about Mary’s death, and whose fault it is, but no one thinks it’s theirs. There is also a fair amount of indignation floating around; it’s the default reaction, apparently.

Here’s a blame hierarchy to help you sort out who you should be pointing your finger at:

Rachel blames the collective we: “This is on us. This is our fault”

Obviously. Duh. We are all acutely familiar with the gutter tactics of Enchanted and its producers. It’s no secret what sorts of manipulation is happening behind the scenes. Why else would an unstable woman fling herself off the roof of a castle?

Quinn tries to talk Rachel out of her guilt on

Of course it’s because the sneaky producers arrange for her abusive ex-husband to surprise her and confront her new boyfriend … AFTER they’ve secretly been switching out her anti-psychotic meds.

In a general sense, it totally is the show’s fault.

Rachel blames Shia: “Kirk didn’t kill her. You did.”

Yeah, Shia is mostly likely the reason for Mary’s suicide. She is the one, after all, who was sneaking around, emptying capsules, and refilling Mary’s glass.

Rachel, naturally, gets angry and comes at Shia hard. But Shia seems remorseful, so it’s hard to share in Rachel’s indignation when we all know she’s at least fractionally responsible as well.

The network blames Rachel and Quinn: “… And you were aware Ms. Newhouse was on a cocktail of antidepressant and anti-psychotic meds?”

The lawyers are looking to blame someone, and Rachel is the natural target. But her righteous indignation at the possibility of Kirk getting paid off is enough to get Quinn on her side. It also motivates Quinn to keep Rachel out of trouble … for now.

Rachel tries to make herself feel better

The network rep is a giant douche and calls Quinn a “surly old bitch” at one point. But in her defense, only two out of those three things are accurate.

Shia blames herself: “I think I need a lawyer.”

Again: Duh! Shia does seem like she feels bad, and her sad tears make it hard to hate her (which is sort of the beauty of this show). I am actually rooting for the would-be murderer.

Her sad-kitty routine prompts Quinn to charge Jay with babysitting duty, in case her guilt prompts her to confess something to the press or, worse, the police. Shia has to stew on her troubles all night, cut off from everyone else, while Quinn and Rachel shift into fixer mode.

Adam blames Rachel: “Face it. You’re a monster.”

Adam has his moments when he’s not a complete pile of winking smarm, but tonight is not one of them. Turning on Rachel is gross, and just goes to show that not everyone can pull off righteous indignation—or a pullover sweater.

Apparently blame is an aphrodisiac for Adam (or else he has a thing for involuntary manslaughterers), because he and Rachel wind up in bed together. But joke’s on him: Jeremy was there first.

Quinn blames Mary: “Mary took her own life. End of story.”

This could have been Quinn’s thesis statement for the episode. She works very hard at trying to convince everyone that Mary made this decision outside of their conniving and sketchy manipulations.

Rachel is even drinking the Kool-Aid by now, and fabricates a suicide note from Mary. As Mary’s sister reads the note, knowing it’s a complete lie, UnReal officially descends into the world’s most morally bankrupt show. And I love the hell out of it.

Where else can you totally invest in and root for a pack of degenerate sociopaths? Keep up the good work, UnReal!

UnReal airs Mondays at 10/9C on Lifetime.

TV Families | EW.com
Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 AT 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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