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The 'UnReal' all-star of the week: Chet's crazy eyes

This week’s UnReal all-star—in true reality-show fashion—is the weirdest, craziest, most ridiculous person capturing our very short attention spans. Maybe he’s sweet or endearing and makes us fall in love with him, or maybe he reveals the depths of his depravity and proves himself worthy of ultimate guilty-pleasure status. Either way, the all-star is always the star of the show.

The winner this week is … Chet’s crazy eyes, with an honorable mention going to his manic moodpigpen swings. His particular brand of bananas has been building for weeks, but this episode, “Wife,” really gave Craig Bierko a chance to show his stuff. Besides, anybody who has the confidence to walk around looking like Pig-Pen from Peanuts and has my vote.

You have to give it to Chet for his range of emotions. Quinn tries to end it with him, but he can’t accept it, so he tries a little romance, Chet-style. He says, “We’re special. We have a thing,” but it comes off a little sad and pleading—especially since you can see it dawning on him that she might be serious this time. The crazy eyes turn to sad-clown eyes, and it’s kinda hard to watch.


Naturally, Chet turns to drugs and hookers to self-soothe, and he tasks Jay with making it happen. He slaps a bill in Jay’s hand and gives him the orders, “Get a limo. A couple of Thai massages. We’ll make a day of it. Happy ending, rong time.”

Jay’s blank stare and startled demeanor mirror ours as we try to process what is happening—racist humor included. Even with his “health thing,” he has to feel better—even if that involves questionable decisions with an underling.

Part of what makes Chet the all-star of the week is his ability to rally. Even as he ponders the possible breakup with Quinn, he still finds time for his employees. As Rachel approaches him about a favor, he offers a warm, “Crazy Ray. What up, girl?”


Favors aren’t for free, however, and Chet lets Rachel know, in no uncertain terms (and a weird mob-related gesture) that she’ll owe him. He tells her as much: “No need to thank me. We’ll find a way for you to pay me back.”  Leave it to Chet make it feel creepy and gross.

Blame it on the mania, but Chet gives pretty good advice. In between pulls on the weed pipe and a handy from the Thai hooker, Chet drops some knowledge on Jay.


He tells Jay, “You have to take what life offers. Look it in the eye and embrace it.” Jay takes it to heart and pitches his show, Family Blender. I’ll spare you the details, but it’s every bit as smarmy as Enchanted.

As if Asian prostitutes weren’t enough to make Quinn jealous, Chet lets her know wifey will be joining them in Napa. “That’s right, Napa. Cynthia’s really looking forward to that. Maybe we can double-date.”


Ouch, Chet. But he’s not the all-star for nothing.

When Quinn shows up with Bill (whose dreamy bedroom eyes were a close runner-up for all-star this week), Chet goes HAM. He delivers the line that clinched his place as winner this week: “If you ever show up on my set again, I’ll punch you so hard, you’ll be crapping teeth.”


Damn! Chet isn’t messing around, even if his pregnant wife is within earshot of his jealous threats.


Chet is no quitter either. Even after that ugliness with Bill, he goes to see Quinn again. I wouldn’t call what he says to her “begging,” but it comes pretty close. He tells her, “We’re the same, me and you.” But that was the wrong tactic, and when Quinn doesn’t give in, he gets petulant.


Even though Chet is the all-star, I have to side with Quinn on this one. She does deserve a life, and now that his wife is in on the affair, the yuck is almost too much to manage.

He’s no stranger to yuck, and Chet proves that you can be both an all-star and a degenerate. Rachel actually catches him watching Adam … er … service his friend Kelly. That’s right, Kelly and Adam are having sexy time while both Chet and her husband, Brooks, watch. *shudder*


Chet pimps Adam out to Brooks’ wife in exchange for financial backing for the new Enchanted Resort and Spa. But before you get all indignant, don’t bother. It doesn’t seem like Adam minds it, and Kelly is definitely enjoying herself.

But now that Rachel is privy to the world’s weirdest four-way, Chet is probably going to call in Rachel’s debt.

Oh, and here’s a shot of Chet celebrating his new (stolen) idea, and looking every bit the all-star that he is. Because Cabbage Patch.


UnReal airs Mondays at 10/9C on Lifetime. 

TV Families | EW.com
Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 AT 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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