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'The Fosters' season 3 premiere fan recap: After the 'Wreckage'

Season 3 | Episode 1 | “Wreckage” | Aired June 8, 2015

How rude, The Fosters! After months of dangling the fates of Mariana, Jesus, and pregnant Ana post–car crash in our faces promo after promo, we learn, after an equally frustrating teaser, that everyone survived. I don’t mean to sound sad about that; I’m never really in favor of fictional teenage carnage. But come on—that was misleading. Truth be told, I trust in The Fosters enough to believe we’ll be feeling the ripple effects of the accident slowly but profoundly; intense experiences never get fully swept under the rug at the Adams Foster house.

“Wreckage” picks up three weeks after the crash, and with only a short look at the scene of the accident, we dive right back into life as we know it with our favorite family (minus Jesus, who has efficiently gone to boarding school off-screen). Some people are doing much better than others, and some are, well, Stef.

Stef & Lena: Stef is a wreck post-accident, suffering from bad dreams and breakdowns at high school beach parties. Poor Stef. She’s made it her mission to track down the driver who almost killed her children. Lena is wary of Stef’s intensity, but Stef was the one at the scene of the accident, and she can’t shake those few seconds when she thought she had lost the twins.

By the by, Teri Polo had me crying within one minute of this episode. Welcome back to The Fosters, people—that special hour every week when adult humans lose all control of their emotions; it’s super-fun.

While Stef is out barely holding it together and interrogating hit-and-run leads that go nowhere, Lena has to deal with that pesky little kiss from Principal Monte. Monte swears she’s straight and the kiss meant nothing. Lena agrees, but still attempts to put some distance between them by declining an offer to join Monte on a “teacher’s conference” in D.C. Smart decision, Lena. So, how long until Monte makes another move on our Mama?

Callie: Callie is doing really well, you guys. She’s working for Rafael (Alberto De Diego) at the drop-in center and she is thriving. She even SMILES and makes CUTESY SMALL TALK. Callie has summer plans to work at the center in order to graduate on time, attend high school–sponsored parties, and not make out with her foster sibling: It’s the Summer of Callie!

Alas, Callie can never have it too good, can she? She befriends AJ (Tom Williamson), a foster kid she discovers sleeping at the center—a big no-no—and promises to help him out. She’ll let him secretly sleep there until they find better placement, as long as he doesn’t mess around with anything … especially those spray-paint cans you kids love to huff. Definitely DO NOT touch those. So, of course, Callie comes back the next morning to discover the spray paint has been stolen (but not the computers?). Rafael has no choice but to fire her. Adios, timely graduation!

Brandon: B arrives at the Idyllwild summer music program only to discover that he’s been enrolled as a composer, not a performer. He’s out of sorts about it, and things are not made any better when he meets the pianist he’ll be teamed up with all summer long: Kat (Katherine McNamara). Kat wears giant sunglasses and very short shorts, and pronounces amateur in the most pretentious way possible—she is THE WORST. She tries to squirm her way out of a partnership with Brandon, but they’re stuck with one another.

After a nice pep talk from Lou before she heads out on tour and an all-night writing session, B is a new man. He returns to Idyllwild to inform Kat that she can throw tantrums all she wants; he doesn’t scare easily. Then he drops the mic and does the Naomi Campbell Walk right on out of there. I’m excited for Idyllwild Brandon. He’s very saucy.

jonnor

Jude: If anyone should be having a great summer, it’s little Judicorn. After all the angst and pinky holding, he and Connor are officially a couple. But something is not right with Jude. While Connor is excited to take their relationship status public, Jude wants to keep it a secret.

A confused Connor (sweet Connor!) has a heart-to-heart with his guy, and Jude confesses he’s tired of being labeled. He’s been the foster kid, he’s been the kid with the dead mom, and now he’ll be the gay kid. He wants to be just Jude for once. Thankfully, this has nothing to do with his feelings for Connor. Jonnor is so on.

Mariana: Mariana doesn’t even mention the accident, but it’s obvious the near-death experience is taking a toll. She’s thrown herself into helping Ana and her new baby sister, Isabella, until Ana is forced to spell it out: She doesn’t need Mariana’s help. Go be a teenager and just generally butt out, please.

Mariana is hurt, but throws herself into a new obsession: losing her virginity to Mat before he goes on tour. Mat is having none of it—he doesn’t want their first time together to be rushed, or on a lifeguard stand. I guess this is “mature” of him, but also, dude, you’re leaving. Take it where you can get it.

Speaking of taking it where you can get it, who should stroll up to Mariana’s Lifeguard Tower of Lust but the hair, the myth, the legend: WYATT (Alex Saxon). It’s as if all of my prayers have been answered and I didn’t even know I was asking them. After a few beers, Mariana, like all hot-blooded women, cannot resist that beautiful mane. She grabs his hair and then she grabs his face. A tale as old as time.

So it turns out, Mariana does lose her virginity—just not to her boyfriend. Who will be more upset by this coupling, Mat or Callie? Also, who cares? WYATT IS BACK, PEOPLE.

The Fosters airs Mondays at 8/7C on ABC Family.

TV Families | EW.com
Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 AT 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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