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Sparks Notes: On depressing nursing homes and true love in 'The Notebook'

“Sparks Notes” is one hot-blooded woman’s deep dive into the Nicholas Sparks film oeuvre. Each week, we’ll journey through another movie based on a Sparks novel. Why? Because I’m a lover of romance and the gratuitous use of extremely well-made male forearms, and honestly, I have the time. So, if you’re a Sparks fan, join me as we feel the love, mourn the dying, ogle all the beautiful people who moved to North Carolina, and cry … a lot. Sounds fun, right? Needless to say: SPOILERS ABOUND.

We have arrived at The Notebook, loyal Sparks Notes readers. I’ll be upfront: I’m not a fanatic about this movie. Don’t get me wrong. I enjoy it, and it’s a solid movie that all subsequent Sparks films try to imitate—but it’ll never be my go-to Sparks. I remain unmoved by the whole “if you’re a bird, I’m a bird” thing. I mean, who wants to be a bird? Yes, flying is cool, but so are opposable thumbs.

The Notebook | Released June 25, 2004

Directed by Nick Cassavetes | Screenplay by Jeremy Leven, based on the novel by Nicholas Sparks

Starring Ryan Gosling, Rachel McAdams, Gena Rowlands, James Garner, Joan Allen, James Marsden

thenotebookgarnerrowlands

TO MAKE A LONG STORY SHORT-ISH: The Notebook is framed by James Garner reading a love story to Gena Rowlands, a woman with dementia and great scarf game who lives in his nursing home. I have no regrets in informing you up top that Garner and Rowlands are the present-day versions of Ryan Gosling’s Noah Calhoun and Rachel McAdams’ Allie Hamilton, and he is reading her the story of how they met in order to bring her out of the fog of her dementia.

Oh, does that sound depressing to you? Good, because it is. Old Noah sits and reads to his wife, who has no idea who he is, or any recollection of their beautiful life together, all for a few fleeting moments of clarity in which they dance to their song and cry together—until she snaps out of it and forgets him all over again. It is horrifying; please don’t make me relive it.

Okay, like Monica once said: For you, I will.

Noah and Allie meet at a carnival in the summer of 1940, where Noah basically stalks her and threatens to kill himself if she doesn’t go out with him. You think I’m exaggerating, but break those scenes down and IT IS ACCURATE. Oh, young love!

On their first date, Noah asks Allie to dance in the street and “I’ll Be Seeing You” plays in the background. It is totally the moment that every human person watching falls in love with Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams. So, okay, The Notebook, YOU GOT ME.

thenotebookdancing

They fall in love immediately, per usual, and spend the summer shoving ice cream in each other’s faces, reading Walt Whitman, and discussing the details of bird reincarnation.

One night, Noah takes Allie to an abandoned plantation house to finally get it on (cobwebs and slavery—sexy!), but are interrupted when E from Entourage (Eric Connolly) pops in and informs his pals that Allie’s parents have the police looking for her. At home, her parents, played by Joan Allen and a cartoon oil tycoon/old-timey boxer, demand she break it off with her poor (economically, not emotionally) boyfriend. Joan Allen actually calls Noah trash at one point, which, like—what’s in your garbage can, lady?

Noah realizes he’ll never be good enough for Allie, they break up, and Allie leaves town. Noah writes her one letter every day for a year, but, hearing nothing, enlists in the army. JOAN ALLEN KEEPS THE LETTERS FROM ALLIE.

Allie meets Lon Hammond (James Marsden), who is awesome. He’s in a full-body cast when she meets him, yet still we’re all like, yeah, choose him! Funny, smart, heroic, handsome, and rich—Allie’s parents adore him, and the two get engaged.

Meanwhile, Noah returns from war and demolishes the abandoned sex house in order to build the dream house he promised Allie, in hopes of winning her back. Allie sees a photo of Noah and his gorgeous home in the newspaper and is moved so much, she has to go see him for some sex—er, closure.

It’s inevitable that these two will get back together. During a heated argument in the rain, Allie finds out about the letters Noah wrote. He declares that it was never over and it still isn’t and—oh my God, we’re all in love with each other now.

They go back to The House That Gosling’s Forearms Built and have a lot of sex. Allie wears her pearls the whole time, which, if we’re all being honest, is every true lady’s dream. Allie’s mom shows up and takes her daughter on a trip down memory lane about lost love, but Allie is still torn, because Lon is perfect but love is weird.

She confesses the situation to Lon, and he remains perfect and classy and makes it easy for her to follow her heart. Even though on the inside, he must be confused. We’re all confused, Lon. Seriously, she turns this down:

thenotebookjamesmarsden

Anyway, Allie and Noah live happily ever after—until Allie gets Alzheimer’s and Noah spends all of his days in a nursing home reliving his past. Swoon!

In the end, Allie remembers Noah again and they talk about their love doing great things and then they die holding one another in their sleep. The greatest love story of our time, everybody.

AND WHAT DID WE LEARN ABOUT LOVE IN CLASS TODAY? Sometimes love makes you do crazy things, like decide to spend the rest of your life with an obsessed, taciturn carpenter who makes you feel things instead of that very charming war hero who organizes horse-riding excursions on the beach.

BUT HOW DID IT MAKE YOU FEEL? Old Allie says, “This story makes me feel sad,” and I have to agree. I think we’re supposed to feel like love conquers all, but I just ended up feeling depressed about beautiful people getting old and dying in a nursing home. I will forever have the image of Rowlands sedated in a wheelchair in a room that is basically a farm of old comatose people burned in my brain. LOVE CANNOT CONQUER THAT, NOAH.

THE SPARKS RUNDOWN

  • Are the two main characters from different worlds? Old Noah spells it out in voiceover: She’s city, he’s country. She’s rich, he’s poor. HOW WILL THEY EVER OVERCOME THIS, YOU GUYS? Oh, right—love.
  • Are there parents who don’t approve? The Hamiltons are the quintessential “Parents who disapprove of their daughter’s romance with a sexy street urchin.”
  • Is there time spent palling around in some type of water-based location? Fun fact: All of the romantic water scenes also include birds, this is technically known as “hydrated avian foreplay.”
  • Does someone die? Yeah, yeah, Allie and Noah die together. More important, Fin gets got in WWII. Fin is basically an extra from Oliver! So it’s not a huge loss.
  • Is there a wise older person? Old Noah pontificates on the power of love for two hours, but I think Mrs. Hamilton is pretty smart too. She does NOT marry Dan Scott from One Tree Hill and she’s #TeamLon.
  • Do the men perform activities that require well-developed forearms? The Notebook brings us back to the basics, and uses forearms the way God intended: Holding a woman up whilst making out against a wall, and building your soul mate’s dream home in order to lure her away from her perfect Ken-doll fiancé.

Break out the butterfly tattoos, because next week we dive into my favorite of the Sparks collection: A Walk to Remember. Wait, I just started crying. This should be great and not at all embarrassing!

TV Families

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TV Families

TV Families — We compare various television clans through the years to see how they stack up, from ”The Brady Bunch” to ”The Flintstones”

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The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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aria-label="Posts by Elisabeth Vincentelli" class="author url fn" rel="author">Elisabeth Vincentelli</a></p><p class="article-header__timestamp">Posted on <time datetime="2000-04-14T04:00:00+00:00">April 14, 2000 at 4:00am EDT</time></p> <div class="article-header__share"> <div class="sharedaddy sd-sharing-enabled"><div class="robots-nocontent sd-block sd-social sd-social-icon-text sd-sharing"><div class="sd-content"><ul><li class="share-facebook"><a rel="nofollow" data-shared="sharing-facebook-588800" class="share-facebook sd-button share-icon" href="http://ew.com/article/2000/04/14/000/?share=facebook" target="_blank" title="Share"><span>Share</span></a></li><li class="share-twitter"><a rel="nofollow" data-shared="sharing-twitter-588800" class="share-twitter sd-button share-icon" href="http://ew.com/article/2000/04/14/000/?share=twitter" target="_blank" title="Tweet"><span>Tweet</span></a></li><li class="share-email"><a rel="nofollow" data-shared="" class="share-email sd-button 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<div class="article-body"> <div class="article__letter-grade"><span class="article__letter-grade-shape channel__color--background-color"></span><p aria-label="Letter grade">We gave it a <strong>B</strong></p></div> <div class="article-body__inner"> <div class="triangle-anchor"></div><p>Being the Rolling Stones is a tough job, but someone’s gotta do it. Since the Stones themselves have turned into a joke, we’ll gladly take the Delta 72. Their earlier recordings were inspired by hard-driving ’60s soul, but now with <strong>000</strong> these Philly boys look back to the flamboyantly sweaty boogie Jagger & Co. played at their ’70s peak — and completely rejuvenate it. 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