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'General Hospital' fan recap: A hit and a miss

Season 53 | Episodes 34-38 | Aired May 18-22, 2015

Shawn Butler is clearly to the mob what the Keystone Cops where to law enforcement. Has the General Hospital enforcer ever hit his mark? Even now, when he looks to be facing actual prison time, he’s guilty of nothing more than a botched attempt. Instead, he’s unknowingly one-upped by a prince.

Hayden tries for Jakeson and Sam’s rapt attention with her claim of knowing Jakeson’s true identity, but her credibility is fairly damaged by her previous con. Jakeson is dismissive, wondering the point of the reveal if, due to his brain damage, he wouldn’t even know his family. But all of the wondering is for naught, as a split screen reveals Shawn, outside, poised to take Jakeson out in retribution for Duke’s death. Shawn raises his gun, but just as he fires at Jakeson, Jordan arrives, grabs his arm and redirects the shot. Jakeson and Sam are fine, but Hayden is down, having been shot in the head.

Fallout is swift, as Jordan (finally!) reveals herself as undercover and arrests Shawn for the shooting. Jordan reiterates that she loves Shawn, but he scoffs, telling her she doesn’t know the meaning of the word. Are viewers really supposed to be empathetic to a hit man? Apparently so, as when Jordan admits to T.J. that she’s been undercover all along, her son condemns her for being disloyal to Shawn. T.J. continues his rant against his mother while visiting Shawn in jail, but Shawn puts a pin in the Jordan-bashing. Jordan visits, complete with a probation-only plea deal offer for turning on Sonny. Shawn is dismissive, but Jordan pleads that T.J. needs Shawn free and in his life… because Shawn is T.J.’s father. Is anyone surprised?

Hayden is rushed to the hospital, where Patrick quickly operates to save her life. But afterwards, she remains in a coma, with the secret of Jakeson’s identity safe for now. Patrick, sounding a lot like he did when Robin and Jason were friends, expresses concerns for Sam’s safety around Jakeson. And while Elizabeth is shifty eyed and nervous about Hayden’s possible reveal, she wastes no time in returning Jakeson to her home. Jakeson tells Elizabeth about his deal with Sloane and that he’s quitting, prepared to face the charges stemming from the attempted Haunted Star bombing. Realizing Jakeson might go to jail, Elizabeth reminds him that they still have this time together. Jakeson informing Sloane that he is done with their deal doesn’t go over well, though. Sloane, almost comically, thinks it’s no big deal since Jake wasn’t actually shot, and is determined to keep his undercover operative in the Jerome organization.

But all the Jakeson-blaming is a smokescreen—Nikolas actually ordered the hit on Hayden. Apparently, Nikolas has access to more efficient gunmen, as his shooter hit his intended target. So Nikolas has gone from being coerced by his aunt Helena to facilitating murder? All in the name of taking charge of his life and taking over ELQ? There have been strange character developments over the years, but seeing Nikolas turn into a full-fledged evil Cassadine seemingly defies logic.

Also defying logic, at least to Franco, is Nina and Ric’s sudden nuptials. The twosome weaves a tail about meeting at the floating rib and commiserating in their shared loneliness, but Franco is floored. Despite his pleadings for Nina to marry him, Nina ties the knot with Ric. The true meaning behind the relationship will surely be clear in time, but for now it’s a big “huh?”

Carly, learning of Sonny’s plans, begs him to call off the hit on Jakeson. Having been in prison for the bulk of Carly’s friendship with the amnesiac, Sonny is baffled by her loyalty. Carly tells Sonny that killing Jakeson would cross a line that couldn’t be uncrossed between the two of them. As opposed to, oh let’s see, shooting her in the head? And while Sonny wants to take down the Jeromes, Morgan ends up reuniting the two families to a degree, by rekindling the flame with Kiki. Morgan and Kiki go from yelling at each other to the bedroom in record time, while viewers roll their eyes at the pairing nobody is invested in.

Working their way up to “cute couple” is Sabrina and Michael. While Sabrina waits for news on Carlos, she and Michael bond over dinner, with Michael being mindful of Sabrina’s desire to take things slowly. Of course, what Sabrina doesn’t know is that Carlos is literally fish food at the moment. After Anna shoots Carlos in the chest, with more rounds to ensure his demise, Sloane comes across the scene. Anna is aware that after years of telling people not to take the law into their own hands, she has now done exactly that. Sloane, showing surprising tenderness towards Anna, takes over, disposing of the body, the gun, and cleaning up the blood. After a near discovery by Elizabeth, he takes Anna back to her room and helps her settle onto the couch.

Anna awakes the next morning and seals Finola Hughes’ Emmy reel as she breaks down under the weight of her actions. Taunted by a vision of Carlos, Anna sobs, feeling the emotions of Duke’s death and branding herself a murderer. Sabrina arrives to inquire to Carlos’ whereabouts, and Anna (with an imagined Carlos whispering in her ear) lies and says Carlos attacked her and escaped. It was certainly an interesting week for actor Jeffrey Vincent Parise, from helping Don Draper find inner peace on Mad Men to becoming Anna’s inner demon on General Hospital.

Speaking of the hospital, Ned and Olivia inform Julian the baby died. Anyone who has ever seen a soap opera instantly knew they were lying, furthering their plan to keep the baby safe from Julian’s business dealings. Julian accuses the pair of just that, but Obrecht is on hand to confirm their story, complete with alleging that the baby has been accidentally cremated. Julian is left with the baby’s ID bracelet, while Olivia fills Dante in on the plan to leave town with the newborn (who is tucked away at another hospital).

Julian is crushed, and when he returns home he finds Alexis there, bag packed, ready to make good on her vow to walk away from Julian and his criminal dealings. But Julian says he is ready to leave the business behind, knowing that he was denied a chance to know his son because of the mob. Alexis, having heard it before, is skeptical, but Julian’s emotions win her over. Alexis spends the night, promising to stick by Julian as he extricates himself from the mob. The next day, family trickles in, learning of the baby’s “death.” First Lucas arrives bearing blue balloons, but learning of the tragedy, he summons Sam and Kiki to his father’s side. They’re all present when a knock on the door and a surprise visitor stuns them all… as a gum-chewing, black-haired, New-“Yawk” accented woman, looking exactly like Ava, strolls through the door.

TV Families | EW.com
February 23, 1990 at 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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