“Sparks Notes” is one hot-blooded woman’s deep dive into the Nicholas Sparks film oeuvre . Each week, we’ll journey through another movie based on a Sparks novel. Why? Because I’m a lover of romance, the gratuitous use of extremely well-made male forearms, and honestly, I have the time. So, if you’re a Sparks fan, join me as we feel the love, mourn the dying, ogle all the beautiful people who moved to North Carolina, and cry … a lot. Sounds fun, right? Needless to say: SPOILERS ABOUND.
Oh, Sparks fans, I am sad. Upon “researching” The Last Song for this post (by “researching,” I of course mean “watching it while crying into a plate of nachos”), I discovered that it is such a mess, not even Liam Hemsworth having mud hosed off his bare chest could save it. I know that sounds impossible, but I would never lie about the power of pecs— especially not to you. Let’s get through this together, for the sake of forearms.
The Last Song | Released Mar 31, 2010
Directed by Julie Anne Robinson | Written by Nicholas Sparks and Jeff Van Wie, based on the novel by Nicholas Sparks
Starring Miley Cyrus, Liam Hemsworth, Greg Kinnear, Kelly Preston
TO MAKE A LONG STORY SHORT-ISH: Miley Cyrus stars as Ronnie Miller, who, when we first meet her, is being dragged to Wilmington, N.C., with littler brother Jonah (Bobby Coleman) to spend some quality time with her dad, Steve Miller (Greg Kinnear), after his messy divorce from their mother (Kelly Preston). Ronnie is sulky and wears combat boots on the beach, because SHE JUST DOESN’T FIT IN HERE.
Steve Miller knows how to build stained-glass windows, plays the piano, and can put up with his moody teenager. GREG KINNEAR IS A DREAMBOAT. Why is this movie not about him?
Anyway, Ronnie meets cute volleyball player/mechanic/aquarium volunteer/Tolstoy aficionado (seriously) Will (Liam Hemsworth), who at first she totally hates because he’s nice to her. But then, after an evening sitting on the beach guarding a nest of sea-turtle eggs from local raccoons (SERIOUSLY), she is totally into him.
While on a date, Will’s truck gets stuck, and the two have an impromptu mud fight there in the road. I guess it’s supposed to be flirty and cute, but what of the upholstery in your truck, Will? THINK OF THE UPHOLSTERY. Instead of just taking Ronnie home, Will chooses this moment to take her to his family’s estate to get cleaned up—and Will comes from Scrooge McDuck levels of money.
It’s clear that Will’s parents don’t want their son hanging out with a brunette who has no college plans, and Ronnie wants to end the relationship right there because she is prejudiced against people with money. Will wins her back, though, by revealing his Sob Story: His brother died in a car accident and the family hasn’t recovered. Miley Cyrus digs Will’s suffering and lets him in on her secret: She’s a genius pianist, but stopped playing when her parents divorced. It’s a match made in heaven.
IT’S SERIOUSLY BEEN LIKE SIX DAYS AND THEY ARE COMPLETELY IN LOVE. This makes no sense and I’m so angry about it. Let’s move on to something else equally anger-inducing: Greg Kinnear has cancer and is DYING. He wanted this summer to spend with his kids before he bites it and Miley Cyrus realizes she has been the WORST.
There’s also this whole storyline about a mysterious church fire where everyone in the town, including Greg Kinnear, thinks that Greg Kinnear accidentally set the church on fire when he fell asleep in it (he was playing the piano there— it doesn’t matter), but it turns out Will and his friend were at the church that night and his friend is the one to blame. What I want to know is: WHO CARES?
When the boys finally tell Greg Kinnear the truth, he’s very kind about it and promises to keep the secret. In the end, it just serves as a way to have Ronnie push Will away AND it makes Greg Kinnear even more dreamy. IF THAT IS POSSIBLE.
In the end: Ronnie takes care of her sickly dad, he composes a song for her (THE LAST SONG, GET IT?), she plays it, he dies. That’s right— Miley Cyrus kills Greg Kinnear with her music. Or maybe it was the cancer. Who can really tell?
Oh, and don’t worry: Will shows up for Steve’s funeral, and Miley Cyrus realizes Gale Hawthorne is pretty great, even if he does blow up The Nut, and they reconcile. Also, he’ll be at Columbia and she’s going to Juilliard! Everybody wins— except for Steve Miller, who is still dead.
AND WHAT DID WE LEARN ABOUT LOVE IN CLASS TODAY? Love, like music, brings you true joy and happiness. Also, becoming obsessed with a nest full of sea-turtle eggs is a great way to bag a man.
BUT HOW DID IT MAKE YOU FEEL? Like all I really want in this world is a Nicholas Sparks movie that stars Greg Kinnear as the forearm-clad hero. He was on the right track, what with the stained-glass window making, piano playing, and dying. Let’s give him the ol’ James Marsden treatment and bring him back as the leading man. It should be our reward for dealing with this travesty.
THE SPARKS RUNDOWN
Are the two main characters from different worlds? At one point, Miley Cyrus literally says that Will should be with someone “who fits his lifestyle.” Is love strong enough to overcome a difference in tax brackets?! Unfortunately, yes.Are there parents who don’t approve? Will’s mom (Kate Vernon) doesn’t want her Ivy League–bound son mingling with the swamp monster that is Ronnie Miller. Good instincts, Mom!Is there time spent palling around in some type of water-based location? SCUBA DIVING AT THE LOCAL AQUARIUM. In a related note, deep-water diving, in any form, is not inherently sexy. Unless you’re Bill Paxton in Titanic or something. But that was mostly due to his ear piercing—let’s all be honest with ourselves.Does someone die? Yes: Steve Miller, and any interest I had in ever watching this movie again.Is there a wise older person? Though I hate calling Steve Miller the “old” person, as I identify more with him than with the teen lovebirds, he does offer little Miley lots of advice about music and love bringing her joy and blah, blah, blah. JUST SHOW US YOUR FOREARMS, KINNEAR.Do the men perform activities that require well-developed forearms? The Last Song knows forearms are the true moneymaker in this biz, and it defines Will by giving him three forearm-heavy jobs: He’s a mechanic (greasy forearms!), he plays volleyball (forearms hitting balls!), and he’s an aquarium volunteer (his forearms help guide baby turtles to the ocean, for Chrissakes!).
The Chan Man himself joins us in the next edition of Sparks Notes! Channing Tatum, Amanda Seyfried, and that kid from E.T. star in Dear John . GIRD. YOUR. LOINS.
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000
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<p>Being the Rolling Stones is a tough job, but someone’s gotta do it. Since the Stones themselves have turned into a joke, we’ll gladly take the Delta 72. Their earlier recordings were inspired by hard-driving ’60s soul, but now with <strong>000</strong> these Philly boys look back to the flamboyantly sweaty boogie Jagger & Co. played at their ’70s peak — and completely rejuvenate it. Though it doesn’t come close to the delirious energy of the band’s shows, <em>000</em> is a shot of put-your-hands-in-the-air party music. <strong>B</strong></p>
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Sparks Notes: No, Zac Efron, I'm 'The Lucky One' 
Sparks Notes: 'Safe Haven,' or 'The Sixth Sense: Part Deux' 
Sparks Notes: When 'The Best of Me' is actually my organ donation 
