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'Bates Motel' fan recap: You know the truth; don't make me say it

Season 3 | Episode 9 | “Crazy” | Aired May 4, 2015

Hoo boy, things are really coming to a head on Bates Motel this week! We start where we ended last week; Norman has just discovered the undead Bradley Martin in the middle of the road. She’s tired of being on the run. Norman wonders why she showed up in the one place in the world she shouldn’t be, and she tells him she just wants to go home.

Norma goes to Bob’s house to tell him that she’ll surrender the flash drive, and oh, by the way, James totally made up that thing about Norman killing his dad, so don’t worry about it. Bob reminds Norma that Norman has a pattern of showing up in people’s lives just before they’re murdered.

Caleb shows up at Chick’s place to give him hell for almost getting Dylan killed in the botched gun deal. Chick is, as always, very blasé about the whole situation, and asks for his guns and money. Caleb tells him they’re gone, and demands payment for services rendered. Chick, being Chick, invites him to share a cocktail and talk things over. Caleb promptly Hulks out and beats Chick to within an inch of his life, because Caleb is not Chick, he is Caleb.

Dylan arrives at the farm to find a bloodied Caleb and a whole lot of cash. He immediately assumes that Caleb killed Chick, which, I guess I would, too. Caleb tells him that he stole $50k from Chick and only almost killed him, so he’ll be taking off for a while, and suggests that Dylan do the same.

Norman comes home to find Norma clearing out the taxidermy dungeon. She tells him that she’s concerned that his father’s case will be reopened, and they don’t need anyone finding out that he likes to play with dead things. Norman really likes his dead things, though, so he flips. He reminds Norma that he doesn’t remember anything from his blackouts, and wonders aloud if maybe she didn’t kill his father, after all.

Bradley and Norman are parked outside her mother’s house, preparing to tell her that her daughter is alive. Mom emerges with a new boyfriend, which Bradley does not appreciate. They leave, and Bradley insists on going inside. The house has been redecorated, and Bradley’s bedroom has been converted into a home gym. Rough.

Back at the police station, Romero meets with a Special Agent from the DEA, who notes that Romero’s mother was on the flash drive ledger. He casually explains that his father was once the sheriff, and also in the drug game, and used his deceased mother’s name in order to keep collecting illicit proceeds after he went to jail. No big whoop. The agent expresses surprise that Romero was elected sheriff after his father was imprisoned, and skepticism that Romero’s hands are clean when everyone knows that White Pine Bay is as crooked as a dog’s hind leg.

Dylan gives Mr. Decody the money, asking that he not tell Emma where the it came from. He then goes upstairs to visit Emma. Then they stare into each other’s eyes for about twenty minutes, and still do not kiss. This is my seventh grade life all over again.

Norman and Bradley, meanwhile, are staring at the ocean. Norman says he has to get back to his mother, and Bradley asks why Norma never wants him to leave the house. He tells her it’s because Norma thinks there’s something wrong with him. “Is there something wrong with you?” she asks, in a fun, flirty, playful way. “Yes,” he says, full stop. Take the hint, Bradley. Hell, that’s not even a hint; that’s a statement of fact and a pretty clear warning. Get out of there!

Romero comes home to find Norma looking for the flash drive. She’s worried Norman will go to jail if she doesn’t return it to Bob. Romero told her he’s given it to the DEA. Once again, he begs her to tell him the truth. First she claims that she did, then she claims that she killed her husband herself. Finally, she sort of tells the truth (see title), then has a classic Norma fit. She’s crying and screaming and hitting him, and he decides it’s an awesome time to try to kiss her. It is not. She leaves.

You and I both know it’s time for phase two of the classic Norma fit, fighting with an inanimate object. So what is it this week? The pit! She goes home and starts shoveling dirt into the 20-foot deep pit, while screaming about “sons of bitches.” Caleb stops by to tell her that he’s leaving town, and also, one time last year Norman came to his hotel room in a fugue state, thinking that he was Norma. Norma is unconcerned, because every teen boy goes through that “I think I’m my mother” phase.

Norman and Bradley are in her motel room. Bradley is leaving town, and invites him to come with her. They start getting hot and heavy, until Imaginary Norma in the Blue Dress shows up to spoil their fun. Norman tries to ignore her, but ultimately takes off. INitBD meets Norman in the parking lot to tell him that Bradley is a pain in the ass, then walks him home. We’re treated to a couple of neat shots where we can see Norman chatting with an invisible person, which ups the creepy factor.

Now, this is a departure from my normal format, but since tonight was the penultimate episode, I want to talk about the scenes we saw from next week’s episode. We see Norma and Bradley taking off together, Norma saying that Norman has “lost his mind,” and finally, Norman telling Bradley to pull over, because “Mother would like to talk to you.” I. Can’t. WAIT! Let’s go, superfans. Speculate wildly in the comments! Whoever can correctly predict the finale wins all the internet gold stars!

Bates Motel airs Mondays at 9/8C on A&E.

TV Families | EW.com
Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 AT 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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