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'Bitten' fan recap: Tooth and claw

Season 2 | Episode 3 | “Hell’s Teeth” | Aired Apr 24, 2015

Tonight’s episode of Bitten kicks off with another flashback! A week ago in Boston, big-sister Paige was basically running rough on little-sis Savannah: Do your homework; don’t go outside because you’re grounded. Aleister makes his move. He breaks the house apart around Paige while, in a special bubble all their own, he quietly plays on Savannah’s frustrations with her witchy family and manipulates her into leaving with him with promises of unlocking her unmatched power that the other witches take for granted.

Because Savannah has never seen a Lifetime movie, she’s game. Aleister offers her a piece of candy, and when she swallows it, a worm slides down her arm, underneath her skin. “I am the lock,” Aleister intones. “And I am the key,” Savannah parrots. Did nobody tell this girl to never take candy from strangers?! There’s a blinding light, and Paige grabs the bracelet on her wrist and screams an incantation. Suddenly, the shake, rattle, and roll of the house stops, and Savannah and Aleister are gone.

Present day: The pack runs full tilt through the woods chasing the escaped Malcolm. Elena outpaces them all only to pull up to the road where she realizes Malcolm’s been picked up. Jeremy reminds us that all the doors at Stonehaven were opened, allowing Malcolm to escape (thanks to the witches), and Nick points out how screwed they are since Malcolm’s head was promised to the Alpha Council.

The witches come to call, eager to retrieve the ring Ruth left behind. Jeremy demands Malcolm’s return, but Paige smugly uses her powers to raise him from the ground and literally force his hand until the ring is released. Once back on his feet, Jeremy vows to tear out Paige’s throat if she tries that again. It’s startling to see the big bad alpha out of sorts against a power he can’t combat or understand. Even the returned Nick obediently steps back when Paige warns him not to get out of her eye line as if she swatted him on the nose with a newspaper.

Ruth lays it on thick about how poor, impressionable Savannah was kidnapped right from their home by the demon Aleister (all of which could have been avoided if they’d let her watch one Lifetime movie, say from the Tori Spelling oeuvre). The pack agrees to help the witches retrieve Savannah from Aleister and his human robots in exchange for Malcolm (who will be used to bait Aleister).

pack-and-witches-form-allianceBecause it’s apparently visiting day at Stonehaven, Rodrigo’s second-in-command, Eduardo, shows up seeking his missing alpha. While Jeremy protests innocence, Clay and Elena decamp to the cellar to frantically clean up after and get rid of Rodrigo’s body. They really know how to make good use of that dumbwaiter, don’t they? Jeremy indulges the Spanish puppy yapping away in his study and shows him the house, explaining away the stench of death downstairs as due to the mutt invasion.

Savannah wanders through Aleister’s office, where one of the human robots mindlessly chants about the key that unlocks the Undoing. She worries about the screaming Rachel, but Aleister assures her it’s only pregnancy complications. Savannah shares the vision she’s had of a man in a barn who was also a wolf. Smooth, kid. Oh—if only they knew where to find this special barn! Handily, Savannah saw a sign (and it opened up her mind and they are happy now) and she wrote it down. He asks if there’s anything else, and when Savannah says no, Aleister repeats the hypnotic prompt: “I am the lock.” Savannah parrots: “I am the key,” and then warns him not to go since Malcolm isn’t alone.

Out in the woods, Clay and Elena cut off Rodrigo’s fingers to keep him from being identified. Elena finally forces Clay to tell her what he discovered in Baton Rouge: that Malcolm slaughtered his mother and his father killed himself when he found out. Clay’s upset for not killing Malcolm when he had the chance and takes his frustration out on poor, dead Rodrigo with a sledgehammer.nick-reassures-logan

At a barn, Ruth works the spell to connect to Savannah—with Paige as the conduit—as Logan and Nick watch. They confirm that Savannah fed Aleister the information to get him to the barn without revealing she’s in communication with them. Savannah tells them about Rachel, and Logan freaks out, shaking Paige so hard that she convulses as the spell falls apart.

Clay and Elena share a tender moment by the fire (in which burns every vestige of Rodrigo’s presence at Stonehaven). Elena vows that Malcolm will die for all their lost loved ones.

Jeremy arrives at the barn to set up the ambush, even though Ruth is confident the witches’ power will contain Aleister. Paige sets the weather vane as a proximity alert. A third witch, Bridget, arrives with the captured Malcolm, and honestly, she should just wear a red shirt and be done with it. Malcolm pleads with Jeremy to get over his childhood drama and let him go—he prefers death to what’s coming for them. Jeremy’s response is to tie Malcolm up in a chair and let him bake in the sun.

Hours later, Aleister still hasn’t shown. Then the weather vane suddenly goes bonkers: Aleister strolls up through the brush like it’s all Sunday in the Park with George. The witches demand Savannah’s return. Aleister’s more interested in flirting with Malcolm about all the suffering they could show people together.

Aleister kills Bridget. Well, her shirt’s red now. Released from her spell, Malcolm runs. Logan and Elena break cover to pursue. With a wave of his hand, Aleister erupts the earth in front of them, the shock wave of which stuns all the pack to the ground, disoriented and ears ringing. Two vans of human robots arrive to join the fight. The guys take them on while Elena takes off after Malcolm.

SyFy/TumblrAleister confronts Ruth. Inside the barn, Bridget bleeds out. All that magic and no one has a “stop the bleeding” spell? When the chanting woman from Aleister’s office breaks into the barn, Nick defends Paige and Bridget, rather well too, but when crazy lady won’t stay down, Paige spells her into unconsciousness. She couldn’t have done that in the first place? Nick: “You couldn’t have done that two minutes ago?” Nicky, I *knew* we were connected. Call me.

Outside, Clay works out his family issues by beating down the human robots. Hey, therapy is different for everyone. Elena finally takes Malcolm down. He boasts that he won’t enjoy killing her given the high hopes he had. Honey, she rips the bottom jaw straight out of men’s faces. You might want to slow your roll there. It’s a nasty brawl and Elena gives as well as she gets, but being thrown into ceilings and walls eventually wears on a lady. Finally, Malcolm lifts her off her feet by the neck and strangles her. At the last minute, she transforms two fingers into claws and stabs him in the neck. Elena smugly tells Malcolm goodbye. He looks over her shoulder: “Run.”

Aleister knocks out ElenaAleister has arrived and now knows that Elena’s the strongest werewolf alive. She charges him, but he knocks her out with magic.

The human robots are loading their dead into the truck as Logan rouses. He stashes himself underneath the bodies just before the truck pulls away.

Clay and Jeremy find Malcolm’s body, but Elena is nowhere to be seen. After all the years of strife and rancor, Jeremy’s quiet and complicated grief at the sight of his dead father is more affecting than any of the sibilant taunts and threats that passed between them.

Safely back at Stonehaven, Nick takes pictures of Malcolm’s dead body as evidence for the Alpha Council. Outside, Paige prepares Bridget’s body for burial and cries over the loss of Bridget and Savannah, blaming herself. Nick comforts her and they bond.

elenda-tied-down-1Clay brought the robot human from the barn back to Stonehaven to get information on where Aleister took Elena, but she’s in full chant mode, and Ruth doesn’t know what kind of spell she’s under. “It’s like she’s on a loop!” They give the woman space as she keeps chanting: “The way we follow. The truth we follow. The light we follow to the gate. The key that unlocks us to the Great Undoing.” She spies a dagger, and before Clay or Jeremy can stop her, stabs herself. Clay orders Ruth to have Paige contact Savannah and find out if Elena is with her at the compound and rounds things out with a decent threat.”If we don’t get her back, then you’ll have more to worry about than your missing witch!”

Elena wakes up, wrists, feet, and face bound to a gurney somewhere in the compound.


Notable Quotables:

Jeremy: There’s a dead alpha in our war room.

Elena: Sorry was it witch or bitch?

Ruth: We asked for the pack’s help; we didn’t get it.
So we did what any decent witch would do: We helped ourselves.

Nick: It’s like witchy Skype call. Witch FaceTime.

Paige: It’s kind of like a gin hangover. Or worse: schnapps.

Ruth: We don’t like to harm. We don’t like to torture. We also don’t like having our girls kidnapped.

Bitten airs Fridays at 9/8C on Syfy.

TV Families | EW.com
Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 AT 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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