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'Law & Order: SVU' fan recap: We are all Jane

Season 16 | Episode 18 | “Devastating Story” | Aired Apr 1, 2015

Parents, I implore you. DO NOT let your high school senior apply to Hudson University. Hudson U. is fictional and serves as the stand-in for NYU on SVU. The fictional university has the highest occurrence of sex crimes of any university on this planet or any other. If I were a woman, I’d sooner have coffee with Bill Cosby than attend Hudson U.

We open with Olivia and Baby Benson watching America’s Worst Crimes. Is this suitable for children? Remember Rob Morrow from Northern Exposure? He’s host Skip Peterson, and tonight’s episode is about a horrible gang rape on Hudson University’s campus. As noted, rape at Hudson U. is about as common as skipping your 7:30.

The mayor’s wife saw the show and wants to know why “Jane’s” attackers were never caught and prosecuted back in December, which is when the crime occurred.

Rollins and Carisi interview a Professor Dylan at Hudson. She’s also a rape counselor and activist. Prof. Dylan finds CARISI’s language to be “phallocentric.” Carisi, despite attending Fordham Law, is confused about what that means. Taking advantage of his stupor, Rollins implies he’s a big, dumb lug (she’s not that far off), and finds out that “Jane” did report her assault to the school’s president.

President Roberts is basically the Anti-Grandma. This means that she looks like a nice old lady, but is probably the one putting the razors in apples at Halloween. She tells Liv that, yes, “Jane” did report the crime to her. But she admitted she was intoxicated and unsure of exactly what had happened. Roberts’ questions deterred “Jane” from seeking justice until Keith Morrison—I mean “Skip Peterson”—was available. Roberts is such a bitch that she makes a disgusted face at students protesting rape outside her window. I’m questioning her professionalism as well as that severe haircut.

As they leave the president’s office, Liv and Carisi resolve to discover “Jane’s” real name. They don’t have to dig very deeply. She just took the stage at the rally right in front of them. “Jane’s” real name is Heather Manning, and she’s ready to share her story.

Heather tells the detectives her sickening story. One of her rapists, Brian, led her up to his room at the frathouse after their date. When Heather got inside, three of his frat brahs awaited them. Heather claims she was raped and sodomized. (They used a hockey stick, and would you mind waiting while I go watch some sort of children’s programming on On Demand? ‘Cause no to the hockey stick detail.) To add insult to injury, the entire frat threw beer cans at her and called her a whore as she left. They sound like great guys.

Rollins and Carisi descend on Alpha Gamma Rape-A. Frat brahs are smirking, and try to keep playing Xbox around Rollins (you’re blocking the screen, lady!). Our rapists (Brian, Connor, and Lance) deny that anything happened besides consensual sex. The fourth frat douche, Zack, is currently in Cuba. I knew Castro had something to do with this.

Brian is wearing sensitive-guy glasses and sporting floppy bangs, so you know he’s a total rapist. Lance is a clueless hammerhead. Is he drooling? The acceptance department at Hudson needs to work on their screening and selection process. Connor is this episode’s sexual psychopath. He insists Heather is a dirty whore who dirty-whored her way into a dirty-whore fake rape allegation. Marriage material for sure, that’s Heather.

The boys are brought downtown, and everybody pins it on Heather being loosey-goosey and regretting it. To spur some confessions, pressure is put on the frat boys via a humiliating perp walk. I was totally hoping the escorting officer would slam the van’s door on Connor’s sexual psychopath fingers, but no such luck.

Heather’s panties (which were helpfully passed to her before class later that week by sexual psychopath and underwear delivery guy Connor) have Brian and Connor’s DNA on them. Lance’s DNA isn’t found. He probably doesn’t have DNA that shows up because, judging by his slack jaw and vacant stare, all of his chromosomes aren’t working.

Things take a turn for the untruthful when Heather is taped at a rally saying there were SIX rapists, and that a hockey stick was found with her DNA on it. Uh, where did the two other dudes come from, and what stick where?

Heather is called out on her lies. We find out that she is confused and unsure of what happened. She cops to being drunk, and sounds like this was some unfortunate fiction. However, she doesn’t care that she can’t get her story straight because she’s now “the face of a movement.” This is not the time for megalomania, Heather. Really.

Verification that Heather made it all up comes in the form of corpulent attorney Buchanan holding a press conference. Mysterious fourth frat boy Zach is with him. Zach couldn’t have been at Rape U. on the night Heather says he was involved, because here’s footage of him playing soccer in West Virginia.

SVU looks dumb, and everyone hates them for this bungled investigation, We learn that Heather was encouraged to fudge the details by Prof. Dylan in an attempt to “eradicate rape culture.” Much to Barba’s haughty-glared dismay, Alpha Kappa Assault-A goes free.

Heather tells Benson the truth. Zack and Lance weren’t there. She feels the sex with Brian was non-consensual because she was lit. After passing out, she awoke to Connor raping her. Unfortunately, there will be no justice for Heather due to her lies about the assault.

Liv and President Roberts commiserate about Heather, and Roberts admits she should have been more open to Heather’s story. Liv notes that Heather and Prof. Dylan, in their attempts to call attention to a serious issue, “set the clock back 30 years.” Hey, at least the hockey stick wasn’t real.

Law & Order: SVU airs Wednesdays at 9/8C on NBC.

TV Families | EW.com
Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 AT 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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