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'General Hospital' fan recap: Not going to end well

Season 52 | Episodes 240-244 | Aired Mar 16-20, 2015

It’s a toss-up to decide who was the most imbecilic and infuriating this week on General Hospital. Was it the men literally duking it out for the heart of Maxie Jones? Or was it Kiki Jerome and Morgan Corinthos? Both had equally inept motives for their actions, but it seems as though the prize must go to Kiki and Morgan.

Kiki is outraged that Michael dare let Sabrina, the woman who failed to induce early labor in Ava, anywhere near baby Avery. Kiki views Sabrina as a deranged psychopath who tried to kill her baby sister. And while, yes, Sabrina did the act, viewers know it was a temporary mental break and Sabrina, unlike so many others, is truly sorry for her actions. Heck, Sabrina even faced the consequence of losing her nursing job at GH! But wait … Kiki is all for Sonny having custody of Avery. You know, the man who repeated told a pregnant Ava that he was only waiting for the baby’s birth before he killed her! In the immortal words of every Grey’s Anatomy character ever, SERIOUSLY? Let’s not even start on her shade toward Rosalie for sleeping with Michael after the Haunted Star non-wedding. Uh, Kiki, he may not have said you were dumped prior to his hookup, but you were SO dumped.

Morgan, who had a loving relationship with his brother before he opted not to tell Michael that Sonny killed A.J., is also determined to get his baby sister away from Michael. Michael, per Morgan, is this out-of-control monster who must be stopped. Now, whether viewers believe Michael was right or wrong to game the court system to get custody, it isn’t like he is actively harming the baby. After all, Sonny hasn’t really left the mob. He’s still plotting with Duke to take down Julian. Sonny hasn’t actually changed his ways for Avery. But Morgan decides they need to get Avery away from Michael by proving Michael an unfit guardian. Morgan’s big plan is to drug Michael and make him appear like a legacy Quartermaine drunk. He’s only a meat hook away from truly turning into his parents, isn’t he?

The runners-up for idiocy weren’t much brighter this week. When Spinelli left Port Charles, he was prone to grandiose and gibberish speech, but he wasn’t this much of a cad. Despite Maxie’s repeated statements that she wants to be with Nathan, Spinelli keeps pursuing her. Nathan feels as though he might be tearing apart a family, even though Maxie and Spinelli haven’t been a couple since before conception. Rather than let Maxie be the decision maker, the two buffoons decide to duke it out in the boxing ring for her affections, with the loser leaving town. Spinelli, with some coaching from Sonny, hops around the ring like a jackrabbit, wearing down (shirtless) Nathan’s energy, but we all know who the dominating physical force in this fight is. Maxie arrives in time to see Spinelli taken down by the one punch Nathan actually lands. Truthfully, it would serve them both right if she pulled a Kelly Taylor and walked away.

Besides helping Spinelli learn to “box,” Sonny also finally made Jakeson’s acquaintance this week. The unknown besties do not hit it off, with Jakeson crashing at Carly’s and his new employment with Julian. Until Jakeson’s true identity comes out, it’s safe to say that these two aren’t going to be rekindling their friendship anytime soon.

Elizabeth, fresh off her breakup with Ric, lets Cameron know that Ric won’t be coming around anymore. Cameron panics, not because he adores Ric, but because he fears he needs legal representation. Cameron learns the Cassadine fire started near the swag table and remembers he knocked something over. Elizabeth assures him that he won’t go to jail for an accident, but when Jakeson arrives, she frets over Cameron’s history of arson (better known as “playing with matches”). But mothering concerns take a backseat when Elizabeth and Jakeson finally discuss their long-simmering feelings for one another. Unable to deny their mutual attraction, the twosome embrace in a steamy kiss sure to enlighten the #Liason/#Lake/#Jiz fan bases and enrage the #Jasam crowd. They are just about to head upstairs when the doorbell rings. And there we find Rebecca (played by All My Children‘s Rebecca Budig), who introduces herself as Jake’s wife.

Jordan finds her undercover-mole status as shaky as ever when Duke gives her the ultimate test. Duke orders her to kill Julian Jerome to prove her loyalty, despite having no knowledge if she has actually killed before or can fire a gun. It’s all based on Shawn’s (correct) assumption that Jordan is working for law enforcement, but it’s enough to send Jordan packing. Realizing that Duke is truly calling the shots (still with his ear to Sonny’s guidance, though), Anna surmises that she has to take Duke down regardless of her lingering emotions. Anna informs Olivia that she believes the tea box at the Metro Court is being used as drop point. Olivia, very pregnant for a New Year’s eve conception, thanks her lucky stars at Ned being the (fake) father of her baby.

We check back in on Spencer at Shriners Children’s Hospital, where he is still bandaged from his burns. Ever the dramatic, Spencer takes a page from Phantom of the Opera, declaring himself a hideous monster. A visit from Sam, Patrick, and Emma moderately boosts his spirits, but when Spencer learns of Cameron’s possible involvement in the fire, he demands an arrest. Nicolas takes a moment from rolling his eyes to once again not tell Sam that Jake is Jason. And even without Helena visibly pulling his strings, Nicolas continues his plan to gain control of ELQ, using Rosalie (she exists!) for insider information. For some reason, Rosalie and Sabrina are also giving each other massive side-eye. Might this be a new love triangle for Michael?

Tracy and Lulu finally get an address for Patricia Spencer, but are surprised when a young woman (played by Brytni Sarpy) answers the door. She introduces herself as Valerie Spencer, Patricia’s daughter. But she is no help to her aunt and cousin’s quest for information, as Valeria informs them that Patricia is dead. And while Patricia might or might not be deceased, what Lulu and Tracy don’t know is that Luke is hiding behind the door with a gun aimed at Valerie.

Elsewhere, Ava learns that her cancer is worse and that treatments thus far have failed to slow its progression. Realizing that she may soon go from presumed dead to actually dead anyway, Ava asks Silas to end her life. Nina and Franco learn that their make-believe time in Shadybrook is coming to an end—if either continues the charade, they will stay in the sanitarium indefinitely. Nina admits to Alexis that she is faking, and Franco reveals the same to Scott. Alexis councils Nina to get out now, while Scott admits that Shadybrook is preferable to Pentonville for his son. But Franco was right on one thing for certain … Scott does look like Monchichi!

TV Families | EW.com
Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 AT 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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class="article content body clearfix"> <div class="padded"> <h3 class="article__creative-work-title">000</h3> <dl id="article__creative-work-info" class="article__creative-work-info"> <dt>type</dt> <dd>Music</dd> <dt>Current Status</dt> <dd>In Season</dd> </dl> <div class="article__letter-grade"> <span class="article__letter-grade-shape channel__color--background-color"></span> <p aria-label="Letter grade">We gave it a <strong>B</strong></p> </div> <p>Being the Rolling Stones is a tough job, but someone’s gotta do it. Since the Stones themselves have turned into a joke, we’ll gladly take the Delta 72. Their earlier recordings were inspired by hard-driving ’60s soul, but now with <strong>000</strong> these Philly boys look back to the flamboyantly sweaty boogie Jagger & Co. played at their ’70s peak — and completely rejuvenate it. Though it doesn’t come close to the delirious energy of the band’s shows, <em>000</em> is a shot of put-your-hands-in-the-air party music. <strong>B</strong></p> </div> </div> <!-- Bottom Recirc --> <div class="bottom-recirc padded-mobile " data-tracking-zone="bottom-recirc" > <div class="component outbrain clearfix " data-action="outbrain-component" data-tracking-zone=outbrain-bottom> <div class="OUTBRAIN " data-src="http://ew.com//article/2000/04/14/000/" data-widget-id="AR_24" data-ob-template="ew" > </div> </div> <div id="ad-728x90_FT_td_1" class="ad ad-container ad-wrapper desktop-ad tablet-ad " data-dimensions="728x90" data-tgxtargeting="%7B%22ft%22%3A%221%22%7D" data-tgxlazy="200" > </div> <div id="ad-300x250_FT_m_1" class="ad ad-container ad-wrapper mobile-ad " data-dimensions="300x250" data-tgxtargeting="%7B%22ft%22%3A%221%22%7D" data-tgxupdatecorrelator="true" data-tgxlazy="200" > </div> <div class="component feed clearfix bottom-recirc" 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