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'Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt' fan recap: Smoke and mirrors

Season 1 | Episode 5 | “Kimmy Kisses a Boy!” | Aired Mar 6, 2015

While out running her morning errands, Kimmy Schmidt gets catcalled by a construction worker who wishes he were her jeans. Sweet, naive Kimmy then makes a comment that she wishes she was his yellow hat. Kimmy’s comment makes the construction worker see the “big picture”—why does he speak to women like that?

Back at the apartment, Kimmy preps Titus for the arrival of Cyndee. Titus will NOT ask Cyndee any questions regarding the bunker. Kimmy acted like Cyndee’s big sister when the two were in the bunker and now feels like she may have abandoned her. Titus decides to get all his reactions out of his system now in case he hears any bunker secrets.

The relationship between Kimmy and Charles seems to be blooming before our eyes. Kimmy is sending him dick pics (because that is what people do now) and Charles is sending her duck pics (because he is super funny). Then the magic happens: Charles asks to kiss Kimmy. Ta-da! Kimmy Schmidt kisses a boy

Kimmy is on cloud nine when she heads back to her apartment to greet Cyndee. But when she sees Cyndee struggling with some man over bags, Kimmy’s flight or fight response kicks in. It turns out that Cyndee has a boyfriend: Brandon Yeagley (Brandon Jones). Her high school dream guy has a sports car, a job as a manger at a pet store, and a tattoo. Kimmy is thrilled; Cyndee is really living her life. Titus is not so thrilled; he finds their normal conversation to be so boring.

Just when Titus thinks Cyndee’s whole stay will be lame, in walks Brandon. Titus requests a sidebar with Kimmy to reveal that he thinks Brandon is gay. Titus knows small-town gay, and Brandon is it. Everything Brandon says is “smoke and mirror, two things gay men love!” To prove to Kimmy that Brandon is gay, Titus will try to seduce him.

While out to dinner with Cyndee and Brandon, Kimmy starts to pick up on some signs that Brandon might be gay. Things get weird when Cyndee admits to Kimmy that she uses that fact that she is a mole woman to get free stuff back at home. Cyndee leaves Kimmy and Brandon alone at the table, and the truth comes out.

Kimmy starts to believe that Brandon is only with Cyndee to get free stuff. Yes, Brandon is gay, but he isn’t using Cyndee. Brandon is part of the “stuff.” Brandon begs Kimmy not to tell Cyndee what is really happening. Everyone back home is trying to take care of Cyndee and make her happy. Kimmy agrees to keep her mouth shut.

With some help id from Lillian, who is distracting the girls outside, Titus goes ahead with his seduction plan, but Brandon does not fall for it. Titus freaks out and wonders if he isn’t a “pretty, young thing” anymore. Kimmy has no time for Titus’ dilemma; her best friend’s boyfriend is gay!

Things with Charles are going really well for Kimmy. Charles gives Kimmy a call and tells her that he wants to take it to the next level and that he loves her.

While walking in the park with Cyndee, Kimmy admits that she thinks Cyndee can do better than Brandon. Cyndee disagrees; Brandon takes care of her the way Kimmy used too. Kimmy seems to be okay with the situation until Brandon proposes to Cyndee. The whole thing has gone too far, and Kimmy tells Cyndee that Brandon is gay. But Cyndee isn’t a fool: She knows Brandon is gay but doesn’t care because she is happy and actually living the life she dreamed about in the bunker—unlike Kimmy, who wanted to see the world, get an education, and land a good job.

After her fight with Cyndee, Kimmy visits Charles at work and things get weird. Kimmy, who thinks Charles loves her, starts talking about matching tattoos while Charles sits in shock. Yep, it turns out Charles butt-dialed Kimmy. He was actually playing a video game with one of his friends. So, yeah, things are kind over between Kimmy and Charles.

GIF GiF

Titus is still walking around feeling old and unattractive. Then his gray sky turns to blue when a construction worker hits on him. Titus is back!

photo

Kimmy makes things right with Cyndee before she heads back to Indiana. They each get to live their lives they way they want. Kimmy is maybe a little jealous of Cyndee because she got everything she wanted. Cyndee used a shortcut, but Kimmy can’t do it that way.

Kimmy decides to take a step forward toward the life she has always wanted. Even though Billy Madison was able to do it, Kimmy cannot technically enroll in middle school—but she can sign up for a GED course.

Look out, would, here come Kimmy! Cue the ending to The Breakfast Club

photo

Season one of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt is now streaming on Netflix.

TV Families

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TV Families

TV Families — We compare various television clans through the years to see how they stack up, from ”The Brady Bunch” to ”The Flintstones”

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The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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aria-label="Posts by Elisabeth Vincentelli" class="author url fn" rel="author">Elisabeth Vincentelli</a></p><p class="article-header__timestamp">Posted on <time datetime="2000-04-14T04:00:00+00:00">April 14, 2000 at 4:00am EDT</time></p> <div class="article-header__share"> <div class="sharedaddy sd-sharing-enabled"><div class="robots-nocontent sd-block sd-social sd-social-icon-text sd-sharing"><div class="sd-content"><ul><li class="share-facebook"><a rel="nofollow" data-shared="sharing-facebook-588800" class="share-facebook sd-button share-icon" href="http://ew.com/article/2000/04/14/000/?share=facebook" target="_blank" title="Share"><span>Share</span></a></li><li class="share-twitter"><a rel="nofollow" data-shared="sharing-twitter-588800" class="share-twitter sd-button share-icon" href="http://ew.com/article/2000/04/14/000/?share=twitter" target="_blank" title="Tweet"><span>Tweet</span></a></li><li class="share-email"><a rel="nofollow" data-shared="" class="share-email sd-button 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<div class="article-body"> <div class="article__letter-grade"><span class="article__letter-grade-shape channel__color--background-color"></span><p aria-label="Letter grade">We gave it a <strong>B</strong></p></div> <div class="article-body__inner"> <div class="triangle-anchor"></div><p>Being the Rolling Stones is a tough job, but someone’s gotta do it. Since the Stones themselves have turned into a joke, we’ll gladly take the Delta 72. Their earlier recordings were inspired by hard-driving ’60s soul, but now with <strong>000</strong> these Philly boys look back to the flamboyantly sweaty boogie Jagger & Co. played at their ’70s peak — and completely rejuvenate it. Though it doesn’t come close to the delirious energy of the band’s shows, <em>000</em> is a shot of put-your-hands-in-the-air party music. <strong>B</strong></p> </div> <div class="article-body__show-full"> <button id="button--show-full" class="channel__color--background-color" type="button">Show Full Article</button> </div> </div> <!-- template: article-footer --> <footer class="article-footer"> <div class="articles-recirculation articles-recirculation--see-also channel__color--border-color"> <!-- template: article-footer-section-title --> <h2 class="article-footer__section-title channel__color--border-color article-footer__section-title--third-party"> <div class="article-footer__section-title-inner-wrap"> <span class="article-footer__section-title-span"> <span class="article-footer__section-title-more article-footer__section-title-more--" data-mobile-title=""> sponsored stories </span> </span> </div> </h2> <div class="ob-widget-wrapper " data-url-fragment="outbrain"> <div 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