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'House of Lies' fan recap: Revenge porn

Season 4 | Episode 8 | “He Didn’t Mean That, Natalie Portman” | Aired Feb 8, 2015

This week’s episode of House of Lies is brought to you by our old friends, Revenge Porn and Greed. All signs pointed toward sponsorship by Extortion, but no! Revenge’s offer came in at approximately $10 million higher, which of course meant that Greed simply couldn’t help itself and jumped right on board. Extortion will simply have to wait for the next opportunity. But don’t worry, Extortion, your day always comes on House of Lies.

The episode opens with Marty pantsless and smoking a joint with Denna, but obsessed with Ellis’ betrayal. Business before pleasure, as always. Or simultaneously, but Marty is much too far gone over the whole $12 million thing for Denna to even make a dent. Luckily, Denna is just as malicious and ethically challenged as Marty (probably even more so), so her feelings are irrelevant. Shades of Monica? Sure, she has a LOT of ground to cover to come close to Monica’s level of crazy—Monica’s crazy is on an almost untouchable pedestal—but dear gawd, please let the show take it there.

Clyde is still cozied up with his dear old dad at his apartment, along with Harvey Oberholt’s cat, Natalie Portman. Harvey is a real piece of work (he quotes Descartes as saying that “comedy is the refuge of the simple-minded, and blacks”). His sudden appearance makes Clyde seem like the most sympathetic and self-made person on the planet. Which is an incredible feat! He guilts Clyde into “hanging out” after work that day, which involves going to a dark, clubby bar and lying to very young ladies (“dim-witted, tight-assed hotties,” in Harvey’s words) about a variety of things, but closing the deal with his cancer diagnosis (a real thing?). Clyde can’t stand his father’s version of “bonding,” or his father, for that matter, and leaves pretty quickly.

At the K&A offices, The Pod is brainstorming ways to keep the company afloat. Marty has a moment of inspiration and leaves the conference room to put his plan into motion. Jeannie mentions that she wants a doughnut as she stands up to leave, then proceeds to go into a magnificently vicious, hormone-infused rant at Clyde. Poor Clyde just wanted a doughnut, not to make fun of Jeannie’s weight. This is definitely poor Clyde’s episode. Poor, poor Clyde.

Doug goes to Marty for advice about Kelsey, because he feels he’s betrayed Clyde by sleeping with her. Marty stares at him like he’s insane, because duh, he doesn’t care. At all. He negative-cares. Oh, Doug. Sweet, bizarrely out-of-touch Doug. If only Sarah would come back! (Okay, maybe that would be better for us than for Doug, but c’mon, Jenny Slate! We miss you sooooo much. Naked-stalk Doug. Or even just call him. ANYTHING—WE ARE BEGGING YOU.)

Doug tells Kelsey that he can’t let things continue between them because Clyde has feelings for her. He even goes so far as to sell her on Clyde. He says that “Clyde is a good guy.” Which … really, this is Clyde’s episode for some reason! Is he a good guy? I can’t even remember anymore!

Harvey Oberholt shows up to the K&A offices out of nowhere, and before Clyde can shuffle him into the elevator, he has a chance to meet Marty and Jeannie on their way out. They’re thrilled to meet Clyde’s dad. Thrilled! Poor Clyde.

Marty and Jeannie are on their way out to meet Denna Altshuler because Marty has obtained security footage of Ellis’ temper tantrum preceding Gage’s Town Hall a few episodes back. (Just to jog your memory, he pissed all over a prototype vehicle, then took an axe to it.) Revenge porn, everyone! Denna’s response to putting the tape out there is that she has “never considered a threesome until this very moment.” Short-sell a ton of Gage Motors stock, take the footage to the airwaves, and watch the share value plummet. Not just drop, but fall to its death. Then, in a “completely unrelated” move, invest $22 million into K&A (in exchange for a controlling interest in K&A—yikes). This, friends, is the porniest of porn to everyone involved. More porny than actual porn. Like “porn and Shark Week combined,” as Marty says.

Clyde returns to the office after his failed attempt to merely tolerate his father for an evening, and Kelsey is the only person still there. He vents to Kelsey about Harvey’s deadbeat past and his difficult childhood. He doesn’t have an angle, for once. And as such, Kelsey takes him seriously for the first time. And they have sex in Marty’s office! Kelsey is a little rascal! Just like everyone in The Pod. Clyde can’t help but brag the next day, along with declaring how into Kelsey he is. Doug doesn’t take the news very well and confronts Kelsey, who makes it clear that she’s not looking for a monogamous relationship with either of them. She’s looking for what she’s already gotten from both of them.

This unhappy development for Doug is interrupted by a slightly more immediate concern: Ellis shows up with a blowtorch, lights a couch on fire (the same couch Kelsey and Clyde had sex on!), and throws a destructive fit all over the office. The Pod basically laughs and leaves the office (most of the stuff in the office isn’t even theirs, after all). Poor wittle Ellis.

When all is said and done, Marty and Denna are back in bed together, blissfully happy with all of the revenge they’ve wrought, not to mention the fortune they’ve both made in the process. In this blissful state, Denna cuddles up to Marty and says, “It’s a new day, Marty Kaan. … It’s nice when things work out, huh? You wanted me to own you, and now I do.” Oh my! What treasured words of heartfelt emotion will she say next? You’re a lucky guy, Marty. You definitely know how to pick ’em.

House of Lies airs Sundays at 10/9C on Showtime.

TV Families | EW.com
Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 AT 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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