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'Vanderpump Rules' season finale fan recap: Rebels without a cause

Season 3 | Episode 18 | “Dethroned” | Aired Mar 2, 2015

“Kristen burns through friends like Jax burns through condoms.” —Tom Sandoval

Weary watchers, time to rest your eyes, because our journey through season three of Vanderpump Rules has come to an end. (Except for the three weeks of reunion specials, natch.)

It’s the end of a year, and that means a photo shoot for the Sur staff. What purpose do these photo shoots serve, aside from stirring up drama? Does Lisa Vanderpump get drunk on wine and sort through the pics, cackling?

This year, she goes with a theme other than “BIKINIS AND SKIN!” and leases the Pink Motel, a groovy ’50s throwback on a sad highway somewhere in L.A. They go full-on greaser and pinup, and I cannot stress enough how amazing this crew looks. Which is really the crux of the show; these are stunning people. Jax really rocks the jeans and white-tee look, informing us that his Botox really looks great. Ariana really hits it out of the park with her leather “Sandy after slutty makeover” from Grease look.

But there’s drama! Tom Sandoval pouts in his shoot with Jax, but it’s not for the character. Scheana has informed both him and Ariana about Jax confirming Tom slept with Miami girl. And here is why Scheana is the least garbage of all of them. She tells them because she is their friend, but then backs off if they don’t want her to bring it up again. Ariana tells her she’s not worried, because she’s never been blindsided, and she’s “smarter than 100 percent” of the people she’s ever met. Which is true, considering she was born and raised inside Sur.

Jax and Tom lean up against the pink Cadillac and Tom asks him why Jax can’t keep his trap shut. Jax, floundering and sputtering, starts to deny it and then Ariana joins them, saying she heard them talking, so now she’s involved. Unable to handle the proactive, adult conversation Tom and Ariana offer him, Jax stomps off in a huff.

Vanerpump Rules

Later, the gang reassembles at the Sur 10-year anniversary party. Which gives Stassi and Kristen an opportunity to attend to create some good footage for the show.

Jax, Kristen, and the Toms finally fight it out, and Jax sticks steadfastly to his lies. Yes, we know he is lying, because the show quickly flashes back to the times he is caught in a lie. Kristen gives up, and says that she has done all she can, so “Ariana wins.” She stomps up to Ariana and tells her “good luck” with Tom because he’s a cheater, and Ariana and Tom Sandoval celebrate the exorcism of Kristen from their lives and decide to move in together. The joke is on Ariana, because now she has to live in Tom’s horrendously messy apartment.

Stassi arrives, looking fantastic in a simple black dress, hair in a bun, and a dramatic red lip. She pulls Katie aside for a talk and it is one of the more cringeworthy moments of this season, because Stassi is such an asshole about it.

Katie tries to tell her that she just wants peace with everyone and Stassi was the one who started ignoring her, and all Stassi can do is say, “But you switched sides!” In an interview, Stassi lambastes Katie for sucking up to Scheana. “[Katie] is a host body for some Scheana-loving parasite.” It is so obvious that Stassi is just mad she’s no longer queen bee and has lost control of the friend group.

Finally, Jax arrives and Stassi freaks out and leaves. “Stop being such a baby,” Lisa tells Stassi. The gang celebrates Stassi’s defeat by listing everything they hate about her, including her chunky statement necklaces, which—hey! Lay off those. That’s going to far. Those statement necklaces are all Stassi has!

Stassi storms out and her henchwoman Kristina comforts her. “I just hate being somewhere where everyone is so fake,” she mopes. No, Stassi, these people are being the opposite of fake because they are telling you how they really feel about you.

Tom Schwartz, sadly not part of the photo shoot because how cute would he have been as a greaser, sees a therapist because he is afraid of marriage. Later, at the party, Katie gives him an ultimatum of six months: He needs to propose by then or she’s out. Ultimatums ALWAYS work out, right? Tom cries a single, adorable tear.

Lisa shows a slide show of the photo shoot, so everyone can admire their own hotness. Was this the whole purpose of that expensive photo shoot? For a PowerPoint slide show at the Sur party? And so we, the viewers, can remember the hotness of these people over the break before the next season? The show ends with Jax getting his car towed, which is hilarious because the producers probably could have stopped it but let the cameras roll instead.

Ultimately, Jax and Stassi are exiled from the social group. Wouldn’t it be funny if they got back together and season four was about them trying to run a bed and breakfast?

And that concludes the third chapter of the lives of the Sur staff. Thanks to everyone who took this journey with me. There’s been no announcement, but I can’t imagine there NOT being a fourth season. Also, hold those tears, because according to Jax’s Twitter, the reunion will be in three parts shown over the next three weeks. Just like Giggy the dog, we are all trapped under the reign of Lisa Vanderpump.

Vanderpump Rules

Vanderpump Rules airs Mondays at 9/8C on Bravo.

TV Families | EW.com
Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 AT 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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