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'New Girl' fan recap: The seduction of a musical fable

Season 4 | Episode 18 | “Walk of Shame” | Aired Mar 3, 2015

Any New Girl episode featuring Josh Gad as the unforgettable Bearclaw is going to be good. The same goes for Justin Long’s lovable Genzlinger. Put one on either side of Zooey Deschanel performing an original musical, and you have an episode of epic proportions. Take a bow, New Girl!

Our story begins at the bar with Jess and Cece primping their new hairstyles. Schmidt warns the women that a fresh blowout can give a girl too much confidence. It turns out Schmidt is right. Bearclaw approaches and invites Jess and “Sessy” to a party at his place. His roommate, the hot ex-football player standing behind him, will be there too. Knowing that you can’t waste a good blowout, Jess challenges Cece to see where this journey may lead!

Sadly, it leads to Jess waking up in Bearclaw’s bed with her head on the pillow he usually reserves for between his legs at bedtime. Jess manages to escape Bearclaw’s clutches long enough to find Cece in the hallway. Touch up that smudged mascara, ladies. It’s time for the walk of shame.

Unfortunately, Jess’ car was towed in the middle of the night. With no transportation, no money, and dead phones, they turn to two young girls for help. Cece can offer them a condom and some cheese in exchange for a few minutes of cell service. Jess calls everyone’s number she knows by heart. No one answers. Trudge on, ladies.

New GirlAfter a failed attempt to secure a pair of tennis shoes hanging from a telephone wire, the girls notice a water guy delivering a huge bottle to a house. Dehydration can make a person think that rolling the water down the sidewalk is a good idea. That is, until a swarm of elementary-school children screams out of the house to celebrate a birthday party. Can we get a Capri Sun pouch over here?

Cece and Jess hide in the bushes, held captive by the birthday boy’s inability to unwrap presents in a timely manner. Jess admits that she didn’t sleep with Bearclaw the night before. They made up a musical about woodland creatures. Her walk of shame is a scam. Cece also comes clean. While making out with Football Ken, she called him Schmidt four times. She’s in love with her ex-boyfriend who currently has a girlfriend. Who’s the bigger loser now?

All signs point to Jess when Ginzlinger walks up. BEST TIMING EVER! Jess kisses him on the forehead in a moment of sheer panic. She touts her vice principal status, praises her adventurous, single-girl hair, applauds her musical fable abilities, and finally owns her walk of shame.

Poor Ginz is shell-shocked. This is neither his house nor his daddy diaper bag. He doesn’t have an adorable half-Asian kid, because Jen left him. He’s there as a party clown. Of all the shaming going on, he deserves the blue-ribbon prize. Jess refuses to let him wallow and convinces him to own his squeaky clown shoes. Take back the morning, Ginz!

New GirlMeanwhile, Coach is working really hard to impress May. Especially when Schmidt seems to get all her smart jokes. When May invites the boys to a musical event, Coach and Schmidt worry that Winston and Nick will embarrass them. They have every reason to be concerned, especially when Nick duct-tapes the sole of his shoe back together.

Coach produces a two-for-one coupon to the water park. He pretends that he doesn’t want to go to the stupid music thing, but he has to go to impress May. Schmidt agrees to take one for the team as Coach’s wingman. Nick knows a serpent when he sees one, even though he can’t officially hiss like one.

At the party, Schmidt walks Coach through the motions of being a refined person, including placing the toothpick from the passed hors d’oeuvres in his pocket. When Coach spies Nick and Winston chatting up a fancy man and drinking champagne, he tries to intervene. After crashing into a a guy playing the flute, he limps to the bathroom with a toothpick protruding from his thigh. Stupid pigs in a blanket.

The guys rally around Coach, convincing him that he doesn’t need to pretend to be someone else other than a sexy, sweats-wearing man. Coach strolls up to May and tells her that he hates classical music. Then they kiss after she plays the Monday Night Football opening riff on her cello. If this isn’t love, I don’t know what is.

As the guys drive away from the museum, they discover Cece, Jess, and Ginzlinger clocking in the last steps of their walk of shame. When they finally make it to the loft, Bearclaw is waiting. The next thing you know, Bearclaw, Jess, and a ukulele-toting Ginzlinger are performing the original musical, with May accompanying on the cello.

Josh Gad may be famous for being a snowman, but he’s certainly talented as a gay wolf, too. It may not take off like Frozen, but there’s definitely a market for a woodland creature musical, don’t you think?

New Girl Notables

Jess: What did Charisma say when he was washing your hair?
Cece: He said he was worried about Taylor Swift living in New York all alone.
Jess: Yeah, we all are.

“Why are you talking like I’m your dad and you’re high?” —Nick, wondering why Coach is speaking like a fancy man

“If that South African runner who killed his girlfriend can run with no legs, we can walk in heels.” —Jess, encouraging Cece to suck it up on their walk of shame

“My eyes react poorly to children’s urine. Don’t ask me how I know that. Come on, Coach! Let’s go put on our most scrotum-crushing trousers.” —Schmidt, convincing Nick and Winston that the party will be dull

“We run in different circles. My circle is more of a swirling mass of idiots.” —Coach, explaining to May how they are different

New Girl airs Tuesdays at 9/8C on Fox.

TV Families | EW.com
Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 AT 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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