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'New Girl' fan recap: The seduction of a musical fable

Season 4 | Episode 18 | “Walk of Shame” | Aired Mar 3, 2015

Any New Girl episode featuring Josh Gad as the unforgettable Bearclaw is going to be good. The same goes for Justin Long’s lovable Genzlinger. Put one on either side of Zooey Deschanel performing an original musical, and you have an episode of epic proportions. Take a bow, New Girl!

Our story begins at the bar with Jess and Cece primping their new hairstyles. Schmidt warns the women that a fresh blowout can give a girl too much confidence. It turns out Schmidt is right. Bearclaw approaches and invites Jess and “Sessy” to a party at his place. His roommate, the hot ex-football player standing behind him, will be there too. Knowing that you can’t waste a good blowout, Jess challenges Cece to see where this journey may lead!

Sadly, it leads to Jess waking up in Bearclaw’s bed with her head on the pillow he usually reserves for between his legs at bedtime. Jess manages to escape Bearclaw’s clutches long enough to find Cece in the hallway. Touch up that smudged mascara, ladies. It’s time for the walk of shame.

Unfortunately, Jess’ car was towed in the middle of the night. With no transportation, no money, and dead phones, they turn to two young girls for help. Cece can offer them a condom and some cheese in exchange for a few minutes of cell service. Jess calls everyone’s number she knows by heart. No one answers. Trudge on, ladies.

New GirlAfter a failed attempt to secure a pair of tennis shoes hanging from a telephone wire, the girls notice a water guy delivering a huge bottle to a house. Dehydration can make a person think that rolling the water down the sidewalk is a good idea. That is, until a swarm of elementary-school children screams out of the house to celebrate a birthday party. Can we get a Capri Sun pouch over here?

Cece and Jess hide in the bushes, held captive by the birthday boy’s inability to unwrap presents in a timely manner. Jess admits that she didn’t sleep with Bearclaw the night before. They made up a musical about woodland creatures. Her walk of shame is a scam. Cece also comes clean. While making out with Football Ken, she called him Schmidt four times. She’s in love with her ex-boyfriend who currently has a girlfriend. Who’s the bigger loser now?

All signs point to Jess when Ginzlinger walks up. BEST TIMING EVER! Jess kisses him on the forehead in a moment of sheer panic. She touts her vice principal status, praises her adventurous, single-girl hair, applauds her musical fable abilities, and finally owns her walk of shame.

Poor Ginz is shell-shocked. This is neither his house nor his daddy diaper bag. He doesn’t have an adorable half-Asian kid, because Jen left him. He’s there as a party clown. Of all the shaming going on, he deserves the blue-ribbon prize. Jess refuses to let him wallow and convinces him to own his squeaky clown shoes. Take back the morning, Ginz!

New GirlMeanwhile, Coach is working really hard to impress May. Especially when Schmidt seems to get all her smart jokes. When May invites the boys to a musical event, Coach and Schmidt worry that Winston and Nick will embarrass them. They have every reason to be concerned, especially when Nick duct-tapes the sole of his shoe back together.

Coach produces a two-for-one coupon to the water park. He pretends that he doesn’t want to go to the stupid music thing, but he has to go to impress May. Schmidt agrees to take one for the team as Coach’s wingman. Nick knows a serpent when he sees one, even though he can’t officially hiss like one.

At the party, Schmidt walks Coach through the motions of being a refined person, including placing the toothpick from the passed hors d’oeuvres in his pocket. When Coach spies Nick and Winston chatting up a fancy man and drinking champagne, he tries to intervene. After crashing into a a guy playing the flute, he limps to the bathroom with a toothpick protruding from his thigh. Stupid pigs in a blanket.

The guys rally around Coach, convincing him that he doesn’t need to pretend to be someone else other than a sexy, sweats-wearing man. Coach strolls up to May and tells her that he hates classical music. Then they kiss after she plays the Monday Night Football opening riff on her cello. If this isn’t love, I don’t know what is.

As the guys drive away from the museum, they discover Cece, Jess, and Ginzlinger clocking in the last steps of their walk of shame. When they finally make it to the loft, Bearclaw is waiting. The next thing you know, Bearclaw, Jess, and a ukulele-toting Ginzlinger are performing the original musical, with May accompanying on the cello.

Josh Gad may be famous for being a snowman, but he’s certainly talented as a gay wolf, too. It may not take off like Frozen, but there’s definitely a market for a woodland creature musical, don’t you think?

New Girl Notables

Jess: What did Charisma say when he was washing your hair?
Cece: He said he was worried about Taylor Swift living in New York all alone.
Jess: Yeah, we all are.

“Why are you talking like I’m your dad and you’re high?” —Nick, wondering why Coach is speaking like a fancy man

“If that South African runner who killed his girlfriend can run with no legs, we can walk in heels.” —Jess, encouraging Cece to suck it up on their walk of shame

“My eyes react poorly to children’s urine. Don’t ask me how I know that. Come on, Coach! Let’s go put on our most scrotum-crushing trousers.” —Schmidt, convincing Nick and Winston that the party will be dull

“We run in different circles. My circle is more of a swirling mass of idiots.” —Coach, explaining to May how they are different

New Girl airs Tuesdays at 9/8C on Fox.