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'Parenthood' nostalgia recap: An abundance of riches

Season 1 | Episode 4 | “Whassup” | Aired Mar 23, 2010

There are three things I was reminded of from watching this old episode of Parenthood. Crosby was a total playah pre-Jasmine and Jabbar; Zeek—in his healthier days—was funny (like, really funny); and Adam and Kristina used to acknowledge Haddie. But before I get to Crosby’s hidden panties and Zeek’s masturbation expertise (but really), let’s do something no one ever did in the second half of this series. Let’s talk about Haddie.

Adam and Kristina are shocked to learn that Haddie has racked up a phone bill of over $200 to one phone number (remember when you paid for each call?). After calling the number and getting a voicemail that says nothing more than “Yo, yo, yo,” they decide to snoop around their good-girl-turned-bad’s room (don’t forget, she did confess to that baggie of weed in an earlier episode) and hack into her Facebook account. Discovering that she’s “Facebook official” with a boy named Steve—and has been for awhile—they freak out.

“Freak out” is putting Haddie’s reaction to their invasion of her privacy lightly. She is incensed that her parents hacked into her computer. (Time out: What kind of parents don’t monitor their teenager’s Facebook page? I mean, at the very least, you friend them so you can creep on their pages. Duh. Seems very out of character for helicopter parents Adam and Kristina, but I suppose since Haddie has always been a model daughter, they were comfortable in their trust of her.) Although grounded, Haddie sneaks out, but Max spies her dashing across the backyard. Busted.

Trying to track her down at Steve’s house, they are greeted by his overenthusiastic parents, who seem to know everything about their family, as well as about Haddie and Steve’s relationship. Obviously they have developed a relationship themselves with the little delinquent. Haddie isn’t at Steve’s, however. She’s with Amber, getting very un–Adam and Kristina–approved advice on how to deal with her parents.

When Adam shows up, Sarah gives him very un-Haddie-approved advice on how to handle his daughter. “You have to shut her down,” she tells him. And if that doesn’t work? You move. “Welcome to my world, little brother!” Sarah tells him, a little too happily.

Feeling guilty for taking her phone away and coming down so hard on her, Adam is a bit dispirited about Haddie’s sudden 180. What happened to his little girl? Kristina reassures him that he’s still number one to her (because it’s always about her, isn’t it?), and later tells Haddie that her dad isn’t mad; he’s just scared of losing her. (Time out, TIME OUT: Since when did this become Adam’s issue? Haddie has been lying to them for months. Why is Haddie suddenly the victim in this scenario?)

But enough about Haddie; I promised you masturbation. Sort of. It seems Drew has been spending a lot of time in the shower lately, and as Amber points out, he’s getting “spankin’ clean” as a result. Sarah, worried that Drew doesn’t have a father figure to talk to about man stuff, calls on Adam to talk to him. Showing up while Drew is washing Zeek’s truck, Adam awkwardly tries to bring it up (no pun intended). “I hated washing the truck when I was your age, but there was something I did enjoy doing.” Then he throws out a Woody Allen quote about masturbating. It’s brilliant. Drew is obviously mortified, and brushes off Adam’s continued attempts to be the cool uncle-slash-dad figure to him. “You know about rubbers?” Adam throws out.

Zeek, who had begged Sarah to be the one to talk to Drew about his, uh, handiwork (and had been abruptly denied), ends up bursting into the bathroom when Drew is showering and sits right down on the closed toilet and regales him of his good ol’ masturbation days. “Braverman men are blessed with an abundance of riches …” he begins, while poor Drew is trapped in the shower. I miss that Zeek (not the masturbating one, the full-of-life one).

You’re still waiting to hear about Crosby’s panties, aren’t you? They’re not really his—they’re Kristina’s. Kidding. When Adam is helping Crosby childproof his houseboat for Jabbar’s first sleepover, he finds a pair of black lacy panties in the couch.

Adam: Do you even know whose these are?
Crosby: Yeah, I think Kristina left them over here.

Hold on, let me enjoy that one for another minute.

Jabbar’s sleepover doesn’t go without hitch, however (you didn’t think it would, did you?). The boy somehow gets his thumb stuck in a soda can. Calling Julia away from her date night to meet him at the hospital (not really sure why, except for the fact that she squeezes lotion onto his bleeding, open wound to release his thumb from the can), he is forced to let her in on his daddy news and introduce her to his son. Later, Crosby and Julia share a sweet moment where he recognizes what a great mom she is, apparently because she carries lotion and knows how to use it.

The episode ends, as many of them in the early years did, in Zeek and Camille’s wonderful backyard, where the Bravermans have gathered for an evening BBQ and a game of hoops. Out of the blue, Haddie shows up with Steve (not intimidating at all). “Whassup,” Adam greets him, effectively squashing his intent on being the “cool” dad. Hey, at least it wasn’t “Yo, yo, yo.”

Join me back here next Friday, Team B, when we meet Mr. Cyr for the first time!

TV Families | EW.com
Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 AT 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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