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'Vanderpump Rules' fan recap: Cheers to crop tops

Season 3 | Episode 16 | “Ring on a String” | Aired Feb 16, 2015

This is the nicest wedding I’ve ever been to. It’s also the first wedding I’ve ever been to.” —Jax

I never thought I’d say this, but I’m having a bit of Vanderpump Rules fatigue. I suppose I expected Scheana’s wedding to be the finale, but it looks like there’s more stories to tell. I can already imagine that we will see more and more of the Kristen drama, which says more about how Kristen is able to play the reality show game than how much her story matters.

In last week’s dramatic cliffhanger, we were left with Scheana and Shay getting married after overcoming such difficult obstacles such as the music cues starting on time. Scheana, Bridezilla is not a good look for you. She keeps going on as if “her perfect wedding plans were ruined.” I wouldn’t worry too much, Scheana, because there’s an entire production team from the show there, so I am sure things will go fine.

This episode chronicles the exciting adventures of her wedding reception, in which, of course, things go not the way she wanted. She and Shay are supposed to do some sort of choreographed dance, which turns out to be jumping up and down while waving. Not only that, but she was supposed to have something called a “dollar dance.” Her breakdown is worth a look, so I’ve captured it here.

Kristen and Lisa finally have an awkward conversation after Kristen’s firing from SUR, and Kristen says such dumb things as, “I know it wasn’t personal.” Uh, yeah, it was personal. Lisa holds her own and is disgusted when Kristen hugs her. Kristen promises to let Scheana have the spotlight and not take away from it. For you non-English-lit experts: That’s called foreshadowing.

Jax, desperate for Carmen to validate him by hooking up with him, tries many techniques, including insulting Carmen and begging her to spend the night with him by swearing up and down that she promised to stay with him. The editors even included a flashback to her saying the opposite; even they are tired of Jax’s bullshit. Desperate for anyone to hook up with, he sets his sights on Lisa, getting her drinks and flirting. Lisa, killing it with the one-liners, interviews: “Jax has a better chance of becoming a Rhodes Scholar than making it with me.” Have I mentioned how stunning she looks at the wedding?

Vail, SURver and possible love interest of Jax, makes a brief appearance in a flesh-colored dress doing her no favors, only to make Carmen uncomfortable. I believe Vail is annoyed that Jax isn’t giving her any attention, so she flirts with Peter, knowing she’ll get the attention. “There’s only flirting. No coming.” Ugh, TMI.

Katie and Tom Schwartz (still dressed like he’s starring in Les Miz) seem to be having a great time. Until he gives her a ring on a necklace as a token of his love. Katie immediately starts crying about it. Because when she got a ring from Tom, she wanted it to be a real engagement ring? I don’t know; I’m tired of her kvetching about Tom not proposing to her. She either has to wait until he’s ready or (here’s a novel thought) propose to him herself. I’d like to note that Katie is wearing a one-piece jumpsuit to the wedding, but really pulling it off. It allowed her to frolic in the fountain with ease.

Tom Sandoval says something corny and cheesy about Ariana that I can barely repeat it, but here goes: “When I need to take a vacation, I just stare into Ariana’s eyes.” Or, he goes to San Diego and listens to Jax rail a girl in the bathroom all night.

Vanderpump RulesI suppose it’s now time to discuss Kristen and James. James gets super blitzed at the reception, probably because he’s only been able to drink legally for a year. That, coupled with his building resentment for Kristen still obsessing over her ex, Tom Sandoval, is bad news. James unloads all his anger toward Kristen, and Kristen just leaves with another guy to avoid him. Unnamed other guy has a “stupid face and a stupid beard,” according to James.

James follows Kristen out to the parking lot, yelling, “You’re [sic] immangeable! You’re thirty-one. Who is ever going to want to marry you?” which is a low blow. He gets into her personal space, so she pops him in the eye, and I can’t say he doesn’t deserve it. Although it happened nowhere near Scheana’s precious wedding reception, she’s mad the next day about it.

Vanderpump Rules

Stassi, back in L.A. with new henchwoman Kristina, predictably hates on the wedding. She sees the crop-top wedding dress, saying it looks like a “skanky girl’s quinceañera.” Later, Kristina and Stassi sit alone in Stassi’s apartment, drinking and bitching about how they are so glad they are not at the wedding. Stassi whispers, “We sound pathetic.” Well. admitting it is the first step.

The gang wakes up the next day and Scheana marvels that she got married the night before. Uh, yeah, we’re very aware. She orders everyone to clean up after the reception. Katie, rightfully, complains that since Scheana went all-out on a wedding, why didn’t she spring for a cleanup crew? Well, why should she? That’s what bridal parties are for, right?

Vanderpump Rules airs Mondays at 9/8C on Bravo.

TV Families | EW.com
Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 AT 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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