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'New Girl' fan recap: Long live Jordan Catalano

Season 4 | Episode 16 | “Oregon” | Aired Feb 17, 2015

For the second week in a row, New Girl managed to knock it out of the park with their epic one-liner game. This episode showcased creative writing and impeccable comedic timing by the entire cast. And the fact that they managed to work in My So-Called Life is the reason why I still watch this show. I LOVE YOU, JORDAN.

It’s Bob Day’s wedding, and Jess is excited to cram in 18 nostalgic stops on a pedicab tour during the one and only morning Ryan will be joining her in Portland. Jess admits that long-distance relationships can be hard, but she focuses on the silver lining: She doesn’t have to shave her legs. You can imagine her disappointment when Ryan calls to cancel his trip. Nick jumps in to save the day, assuring Jess that the entire gang is busting at the seams to go on a tour of her childhood!

The next day, the girls hop in the two-seater pedicab, and the boys jog along as Jess recites fun facts about her adolescent days. Here’s what we learn:

  • The Italian Soda Shop is where Jess first discovered what a “not” joke was. NOT! She really learned it in the candle shop next door.
  • Jess shared her first kiss at a dance studio with the only boy in her jazz group. Then he came out of the closet as “supergay.”
  • The kids used to dab their napkins in the pizza cheese to soak up the grease. Then make this kid named Joey eat the napkin. Spoiler: Jess was Joey.

New Girl 2The next stop on Jess’ tour is her childhood home. She welcomes her friends into the kitchen, which has recently experienced a British invasion. Jess’ mom, Joan, has utilized every Union Jack Pinterest board, ready to meet her baby girl’s boyfriend.

Jess puts on a brave face and tells Joan that Ryan canceled. This is when the disappointment begins to snowball. Joan and Jess suppress their tears, eager to let everyone know that they are okay. Nick can’t stand the pressure and blows a gasket. Ryan bailing is NOT OKAY.

Jess runs to the sanctuary of her room and Nick follows. She laments that she is a hopeless romantic, and is convinced that she and Ryan are star-crossed lovers. Jess isn’t afraid of holding on. She uncovers her Jordan Catalano fan wall and admits that she held on strong for him to show up on his dirt bike in her driveway from 1994 to 2001. Oddly, I had the same fantasy. Nick explains that the problem with Jordan (other than his undiagnosed learning disability) is that he is fake. Jess needs a guy who will be there for her. Otherwise, she’s just dating a wall. Jess and I agree to hold out for love. My fingers are crossed that Jordan reads this recap.

Later at the wedding, Jess realizes that she has left the rings in her purse at her mom’s house. She must buy some time as Coach and Nick try and commandeer the rings from Joan and her friends who are tripping on acid. STAY STRONG, COACH! DO NOT FALL INTO THEIR WOMB.

New GirlJess sings an irritatingly slow version of “Ave Maria” in both English and as the Cookie Monster. Finally, Schmidt kills two birds with one stone by pulling the fire alarm. Jess is forced to stop singing, and Cece gets a chance to finally flirt like a normal person with her junior-high crush Jace Apex.

Looking all sorts of hot in his firefighting gear, Jace confesses that he always had a thing for Cece. Then he asks her out. Cece tells him she’s in love with someone else. Somewhere nearby, Winston’s head explodes with “I told you so!”

When Nick returns with the rings, Jess admits that she does need a man who is there for her. She decides to break up with Ryan. Then she takes her friends to “Crush Pond.” She instructs them to choose a rock, and think of a person on whom they have a crush. Once you throw the rock in the pond, your dreams will come true. By the way—this has never worked.

I’ll definitely miss Ryan, but I’m glad Jess and Nick are back to normal. And even though Cece didn’t go out with the hot firefighter, I’m glad she’s finally admitted that she’s in love with Schmidt. I think they are cute together. And to quote Nick, “Cute is mute.”

Yes, that’s a thing. Let’s make it happen.

New Girl Notables

“Friend to friend—am I wearing pants?” —Jess after Nick found her asleep in the hall waiting for Ryan to call

“I will say one thing about that man that I have only said about Ryan Gosling. Hot damn!” —Winston seeing Jace Apex for the first time

“This is very hard to watch. It’s like when Bob Costas had the eye infection at the Olympics.” —Schmidt watching Cece try to flirt with Jace Apex

Cece: What happened? Did I look cool?
Winston: Define cool.

“I’m going to help you. I’m Usher, you’re Bieber. Apex is all the hot tracks we’re going to make with each other.” —Schmidt convincing Cece that he will help her with her game

“He’s a firefighter? Seems pretty easy in Portland. What, the rain doesn’t work for you?” —Coach ragging on Jace Apex

“Should we take a straw pull on this whole Cosby thing?” —Winston trying to diffuse tension

New Girl airs Tuesdays at 9/8C on Fox.

TV Families | EW.com
Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 AT 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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